Monday, October 31, 2011

A Thing Bigger Than Life

Today my smile was so huge and powerful ,,,, Its power struck all of those who crossed me by ,,,,

I am truly glowing with a true kind of energy thats way bigger than life ,,,
I glow I glow I glow ,,, I am so strong , so strong that I scare me ,,,

I own the dance floor ,, the entire world ,,, I raise my head to the sky each time that smile strikes my face and I thank God...

Little people -as myself- can be that powerful after all

Blog Entry Number 1000!

I have expressed 1000 ideas ,,, throughout the last 4 years!! Wowwwww!!!
1000 is a big number ,,, I have almost 100 drafts that I will get back to as soon as possible Enshalla

Sunday, October 30, 2011

A Perfect Song

On Thursday , at 6 pm I was standing here waiting for my Dad to come pick me up. In my Mp5 I was listening to this song ''Like a Star'' by Corinne Bailey Rae ... It felt so perfect ,,,so perfect that It could have simply blown out my mind. It talked about me ,,, it hurts ,, sweetly hurts when she says ''Oh your love'' ,,, it feels like bleeding the blood that pressures your heart when you deeplu fall in love ,,,

The clip was as perfect. Three things made it perfect:

1-The Origami Cranes dangling from the ceiling. Origami cranes are a perfect dream ,,,a pursuit of perfection

2-The scene where she feels alone although she is among people in the club.

3-The singers smile at the end ,,, she is a true beauty ,,,,

Perfect Perfect song ,,,,

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Day that Changed My Life

A while ago I asked my students to write an exercise about a date that changed their lives. I only wanted them to practice using the numbers and practice their writing as they talk about things that really means something to me.

Today I collected the homework and there was that boy -the same boy always- who startled me with what he wrote. I totally expected something different, but as I read what he wrote I felt the urge to get off the bus - I was reading in the bus- and go ask for an explanation!!

I dont wanna talk much about it here , to keep the intimacy of what my student wrote ,,, but I wanna say two things: First: Some words are not words , they are compressed ideas , intellectual seeds that need water to flourish ,,, some words are an invitation t

o a big discussion.
Second: As my students wrote about the day that changed their lives , I would talk about mine.

December 27th , 2009

It was the day in which I went to the Mosque of Cordoba. I have lived my entire life on that hope ,,,, I learned Spanish to fulfil that dream , everything in my life went in that direction.
When I entered there I experienced that hardest , strongest , deepest and purest feeling I have ever had. It felt like all the defeats that were accumulated in my Arabic mind , they all erupted inside my brains and eyes. I could not stop crying ,,, I felt so helpless and vulnerable , I felt that my huge guilt towards my nation is just gonna kill me.

I felt that any other thought inside me was blocked away, and that I was abbreviated to the thought of ''my nation'' and I felt so earthy , so weak and so insignificant , and I felt that all the faces that I saw on TV of my people in Palestine and Iraq came hunting me , and I felt that I cant be possibly feeling all that at once ,,, It crushed , and I cried like I never cried in my entire life.

Since then I did not cry again ,,,, until last week ,,,
I cried because I am afraid that a story is my life is gonna end , and am not ready yet... I think I will never be.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Little Women: One Book Down

Today I finished reading Little Women of Luisa May Alcott.

Now with all due respect, If I was not obliged to read the novel as a part of my ''English Novel 1'' class I would not have kept going in the book.

I am a big big big -the biggest- bookworm , but this book bored me to death! Here -as I write- am fighting a huge sense of guilt, because every critic , reader or intellectual in the world thinks that this is a great book , and I dont wanna be snobbish and discard the opinion of all those smart people , but what shall I say!! It did not sound fun to me.

There are parts that I liked , especially the atmosphere of deep innocence that wraps the girls ,,, innocence that is missed everywhere in every aspect of our daily life. But as for the structure of a fine novel it is just boring ... there are no clear rising actions towards a clear -and attractive- plot!! I kept going through the chapters waiting for a ''problem'' a thing that needs solving or a thing that makes you hold your breath.

I dont know ,,, It gave me the feeling of being scratched with a knife ,that did not cut deep enough in the flesh of fiction.

I am really sorry for all of those who think that this is a good book , but this is what I truly think and am happy anyway that this one book down from my ''to read'' list.

An Episode as Great as a Movie

Yesterday I watched Episode 17 of Season 2 of Grey's Anatomy.

I just need to say that that was an episode as fine as a great movie! They managed to build a great story in 45 minutes and get us attached to the deepest point.

The music and the scene when Grey falls after the explosion , the way in which her hands are spread helplessly , and the music ,,,, God the music!! It was perfect.

Most of all I loved how the dream Meredith had the night before was interpreted in her reality but with different characters and a very similar scene. This happens to me , I see dreams with characters that I dont know , but they happen to be actual people or concepts that I live ,,, Its like a call from inside in order to liberate something clogged inside the soul....

That was a great great episode of a great great show ....

Saturday, October 22, 2011

When November Comes

Vocabulary I learned Today: DNR

Is not that sad? I know sometimes life is sad when a person is so so sick , but does that mean we can deny him/here one extra chance?

Monday, October 17, 2011

Back to Russian Class: 10 Years Younger

Today I went back to Russian Class ...

It is not that I am happy ,,, no ,,, I am Revived ,,,
I feel 10 years younger , and sorry for all that time without my amazing amazing Roski YAzik

Sunday, October 16, 2011

A page from my paper Diary

هنالك شيءٌ في الأبواب الخلفيّة يبعث على الأسى ..

اليوم أدخلتني دانة إلى المستشفى من باب خلفي، أفضى إلى ممرٍّ رماديّ ،بأرضيّة غير مبلّطة، و على طول الممر أسرّة حديديّة قديمة و فرشات مهترئة و مكوّمة بعبثية.

فجاجة المشهد ليست مهمّة حيال أن ''الباب الخلفي '' هو السرّ الذي يكشفه المكان لأولئك الذين يعيشون أنصاف حياتهم فيه.

"الباب الخلفي" الذي يعرفه معه المرء خبايا مكانٍ ما ، حياةٍ ما ..
عمري اثنان و عشرون عاماً ، و ما زلت أجلس على مداخل الأفكار و الأشياء و التجارب ...
ما زلتُ لا أملك علاّقة مفاتيح ،ليس لدي عبورٌ خاص نحو أي شيء ، و لي نصيبٌ من حياةٍ في كل مكان و لكن ليس لي "حياة كاملة" إلا داخل رأسي.

أريد أن أخرج من رأسي لمدّة أسبوع واحدٍ فقط ... أنا بخير ، والله أنا بخير، و لكنني اليوم و أنا أهبط درَجَ السماء (الدرج بين مستشفى الجامعة و كشك القهوة في الأسفل) شعرت بالنهاية تمرمر حلقي.

أفكرّ بسطر كتبته تقى هلال على الفيس بوك ، قالت: ان الواقع هو الشيء الذي يبقى موجوداً عندما تكفُّ عن الإيمان. أكان هذا هو ما قالته بالضبط؟ لعلّه ما أود أن أقول أنا.

مؤسفٌ هذا الصباح...
الصباح الذي أستيقظ فيه و أجد أن تلك النقطة من روحي، التي كانت ترغب بقوة، ترغب بقوة مؤمنةً أنها ستغير سيناريو القدر .. أن أجدَ تلك النقطة ممعنةً في الخدر ..

يا الله ... هذه هي البراءة ، أن أجلس كل ليلة إلى دفتري و أن اكتب عنك ... أنت .. يا أنت .. أكتب عنك و أصلّي بخشوع أيقونة من كنيسة قديمة ، و بصمت راهب بوذي حليق الرأس ، و ببياص لحية شيخ صوفي .. أن أرغب بكل ما أوتيت من يقين ، أن أرغب بك ، و أن أؤمن أن ال cosmo
، أن الكون سيتوقّف لحظة عند صوتي. ..

صوتي الذي يتأرجح بين نحيب لا يأتي و قهقهة لا تكتمل .. صوتي...صوتي له جسد، لا يمكن للكون أن يتعثّر به دون أن يغيّر مساره قليلاً لأجلي ..

الله .. مالك الملك.. يسمع صوتي ، يراني و أنا متأكدة من أنه يبتسم .. كم أنا ضئيلة أمام علمه الكاشف .. ما أنا إلا نقطة على مخطط الكون الشاسع ، مع ذلك أؤمن أنني إذا رغبت بشيء بشدة فإنني قادرة على جعله يحصل فعلاً..

و لكنني اليوم مهزوزة...
قلبي الواقع بين اصبعين من اصابع الرحمن، هذا القلب ذاته وقف صامتاً أمام دهشة الصباح ...

كم هي مدهشةٌ الصباحات ...
كم هي حبلى بالاحتمالات، مع ذلك لا أحسّ أنّ في هذا البريد الكوني رسالةً لي. إنني أتصفح وجوه كل العابرين، و عندما أدرك أن الوجه الي أبحث عنه بالرغم من قربه بعيد .. أنه بالرغم من وجوده غائب .. و انّ كل شيء ممكن سواه ، أشعر باليتم و بالترمُّل و بالحداد دفعةً واحدةً.

ما أشدّ وطأة كل شيء على كل شيء، و ما أشدّ وطأتك على حكايتي ..ما أشدّ وطأتك "يا أنت" .

صباح الخير
مستشفى الجامعة

I cant make it stop

Today I was silently reading in the Reading Hall of the Faculty of Education.
It was so quiet , and for a vague vague reason I could not stop weeping inside my head and it broke free ,,, I cried ,,, It went out and the tears were there for everyone to see ,,,

I cant stop it ,, I cant stop it ,, Its getting the best of me and I cant control it ,,,

In a quiet empty hall for a vague reason I cried because of a person who has no clue.
It feels as bad as being hit by a racing train ,,, and I go on weeping inside my head

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Dr Burke Quote

The way you are feeling right now its why I have to believe in something bigger than me , because If I did not then this powerlessness would eat me alive.

Pulling Out My Old Treasures

As i went back to talking to Dana , I started remembering old things and thinking about old thoughts. So today I opened a bag that I brought closed from Spain , where I had put all the little things , that I was so anguished to classify or to consider.

From that bag I pulled my wallet's hangers and my silver bracelets .

My Wallet hangers:
An Owl Sara got me when we were freshmen or so ,,, I love owls , they are wise and they bring bad luck to everyone but good luck to me.
A tiny Castañuela that I brought from Spain the first time ,,, Castanuelas are an instrument used while dancing Flamenco ,,,, It reminds me of Spain , my Spain , the Spain of my little dreams.

And the Bracelets
One of them Says: Congratulations . Ruba brought it to me when I published my novel ,,, It always reminded me of the people in my life who are proud of me ,,,
The other Bracelet says: Hayat with a big space , and on the other side: / /
This is a bracelet I made for my daughter , when I have one , I will name her Hayat and in the space am gonna write her fathers name , and between the slashes I am gonna write her birthday.

Those are my treasures ,,,, I pull them now to make the future more appealing , to feel like i wanna go on.

First Time on Skype Ever Since

I dont know why , and although I am the talkative person I am but I get sooooo weird on Skype. I avoid it , I actually avoid talking to a lot of people , although I love them!!

So yesterday I had a moment of courage and I went and opened my Skype for the first time ever since I came back from Spain , and I was ready to talk to anybody who is online ,,,Whoever would it be , it must be someone I love and have not talked to in a long time ,,,,

First I talked to Sara , then To Wafa in Morocco , to Ana Martinez in Spain , to Najeeb in KSA and to Samura in USA.

I did it!! I did it!!! I talked to the ones I love in Spite of my creepy awkward dull relationship with technology :)))

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Mohammad Tommaleh: One Gone Icon

Today is the third anniversary of Mohammad Tommaleh ,,,, It has been three years already!

God how much I missed him. I dont miss him the way we miss writers , poets or celebrities ... But I miss him in the most personal way as if he was my friend , or my neighbour , or the guy who sat opposite me in a boring office.

It hurts me how , with the flow of days, we will run out of things to say about Mohammad ,,, we will run out of his texts ''that we have never read before'' ,,,, Mohammad is entirely between our hands and its a matter of how we administrate his memory ,,,

I miss him I miss him so bad , he used to say something , that little thing that always got clogged inside our minds as we tried to utter it ,,, he said it for us , he even said the dirty words for us because he knew we were so neutral to say them.

Please Rest in Peace Mohammad ,,, for once in your life , or better said: "for once in your existence".

سيارة اسعاف

تمر قربي سيارة اسعاف مسرعة جدا, وزعيقها يخيفني: جريمة. شجار أسفر عن كدمات ورضوض استوجبت تدخل الاطباء. سقطة عن الطابق الثاني نجم عنها جروح قطعية. تسمم بعد وجبة.

زعيق سيارة الاسعاف يخيفني: ما الذي يحدث في هذه اللحظة؟ انفجرت جرة غاز عند الجيران. سيارة دعست ولدا كان في الطريق الى الدكان. عجوز لم ينم ليلة البارحة من فرط السعال. جلطة اصابتني في مقتل. رصاصة طائشة. حجر طائش. موت طائش.

زعيق سيارة الاسعاف يشعرني بأنني ضعيف: ترى رجلا وقورا ومهيبا, ولكن انظر اليه اذا لسعته نحلة.

واذا اصابه زكام, واذا هرول في الطريق للحاق الباص, أين الهيبة؟ أين الوقار والوجاهة؟ اللعنة... ما أتفهني, أموت لأي سبب. هكذا:

"محمد طمليه" مات البارحة, هل دفنوه؟ لقد حملوه الى المقبرة, ولوحظ اثناء غسله قبل التكفين انه ضئيل جداً, وبائس جداً. هل كان حزينا؟ لم ندقق في وجهه, كنا على عجل من أمرنا, فأمامنا جثمان آخر وقبر مفتوح على الدوام.

اسمع زعيق سيارة الاسعاف, وأتساءل متى يحين دوري؟.

محمد طمليه بتاريخ 17-9-2008

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Stepping on New Land

Today -and after a very long and tiring effort to get the group together- we got our long awaited Conversation class .

God , how happy I am!!! I thought it would be a cool class , but I also kept in mind that it might be a tremendous failure as I struggled making the games. Its haaaaard to make conversation games for Level 1!!! Each word I put looked horrifying and extremely hard.

But as the groups got together the performance of the boys astonished me!! I knew they had it in them but when I actually saw them having a Proper conversation mostly in Spanish with the Spaniards I was flying in joy inside me.

Today is the day 12 of October ,,, Dia de la Hispanidad , which is the day in which Columbus discovered America , he stepped on a new land. And so did I!!

Estoy super Orgullosa de mis niños , tengo fe en ellos y me siento muy satisfecha ... Alhamdulillah

I love my Board :))))

And I love my Board ,,, it reminded me of my first board ,,, God I was shaking in that far far day , and now am as confident as ''Confident Mothers"

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

October Blue Cafe: Finally Something that Respects The Taste

Ala took us today to a new Restaurant close to the University , and the Sandwich tasted as good as it looked in the Menu ,,,, I am just gonna cry in emotion!!! It has been sooooo long since I last ate something thats worth the calories ,,,, I love October Blue :)))

Monday, October 10, 2011

Those who give a meaning to our simple existence

A couple of days ago I had my morning coffee with Rashati . When I went back home I found this picture on Facebook.

I have always said: Those who truly love you are the ones who take pictures of you while you are not looking , because for them your existence is worthy of a celebration.

Thank You Rashati ,,, You are the best Coffee Mate Ever :)

Sunday, October 9, 2011

My Mp5 Is Back: I am The Queen of The Road

For a week I had to go down the streets without my Mp5!!! It was soooo hard ,,, streets were so long and boring , and the University!! Oh the University!! So Loud and annoying with all kinds of peoples trash-conversation pouring through my ears ,,, Boys thinking they are so funny making you hear their craaaaaaaaaaaaaap ,,, God I cant believe that my Mp5 is Back ,,,,

Am so sorry for all the times that I pulled you from the computer without ''safely remove hardware" option ,,, Please forgive me ,,,

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Something I wrote a while ago

Sometimes I find things that I wrote and I get surprised by my sudden honesty. Sometimes I write eloquent things just because I love writing , but sometimes I feel that some eloquent texts do Write me ,,, they dictate my true feelings on me and the liberate me from the heaviness of unuttered words.

His soul is so warm ,,, his existence is thick and deep , you can penetrate his horizon with a huge sigh. He is a person ,, he is even a Persona ... Good enough for a novel or a poem ,,, He says cheesy things in a manly tune ,,, he is TRUE ,,, God I wanna cry infinitely ,,, I cant believe that there is a chance that I might read this after a while and look at myself without him ,,, I will hate it then ,,, I already hate everything ,,, I feel so so so weak ,,, so impotent towards fate , towards not having control over the things that mean the most.

Friday, October 7, 2011

New Facebook Profile Picture: I Am Too Young For This

So this is my new Facebook Profile Picture ,,, I did not write anything under it and have not given it much of a thought. This is why -as its facebookly proven- the things least thought are the things that get most ''likes'' and comments!!!

As I looked at the picture I thought its misleading. I look ''Astute" ,, I look as if I own the dance-floor and I know where exactly to put me feet. But that is not me ... I am mainly the ''Clumsy'' girl who drops things , pumps into tables , drops coffee on her clothes , falls in love and out of love in a couple of days , never gets the hints and laughs on the least funny jokes.

Lately I got into a conversation with an old friend concerning some unresolved topics,,,I was told things that made me ''universally distracted'' as I got to fill the gaps of an old story. I was startled with my ability to ignore the signs, my ability to not bring the parts together ,,, mainly I was startled with how naive I am and how I can be simply fooled by crusts.

I am too young for all of this ,,, I always run to my Mama's wisdom , but now I cant ask her because I still need time to figure out what to share with her because I dont want to go ''breaking her icons'' I want her to keep respecting the people who confuse me , until my confusion is over.

I am so young for all of this ,,, I still need an other life added to mine to be able to believe that ''evil slutty bitches'' look just like any simple standard girl.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

So I had to take that street?

So this Thursday , after I was done with my classes and was left alone in peace I wandered down the university looking for a place to pray. I thought I wanna go pray in a new faculty in which I have never prayed before. I tried to enter the IT faculty but it was closed, so I asked two girls who were leaving Biologu building if there were a close oratory , they said IT ,I said its closed so they said: Then go to the library.

I have prayed in the library many many times , and I could have simply kept walking towards the south but I went to the library taking the ''Students Deanship" street , and as I passed by I saw a group of 7 boys and girls and each of them had a Oud on their backs , so I flew the staris to ask them were do they rehearse and who teaches them.

So there he was a fine young man who presented himself as the Ex-president of Arts Club of the Deanship , he runs a project called Bait Al-Oud and he said that he is running for next weeks clubs' election and that if he wins then the project will go on and he will be able to take me in the group.

I got listed for the elections and am going to vote next week. This Oud thing has not worked for the last 4 years in spite of all my enthusiasm towards it .. I am just thinking that maybe I wandered around , asked the girls and took the same old street just to be there on time to find the group and feel immediately good about it.

I Hope it works this time and I get to play the Andalusi art that I have always wanted to play ,,, Ya Rabb :)))

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Yesternight I had a dream

Yesternight I had a dream ,,,,

I need to mention that I woke up so upset. Efffftttttt ,,, what is it now!!! ...

So the dream goes like this: Am sitting on the top of a staircase in a place that looks like King Hussein Cancer Centre - but its so big and perfect- and the busy street -where I almost got run over by a car the day before- was so calm in the dream.

One of my students -the one whom I used to hate- comes to me and gives me his car keys and he says that he is gonna go in , do some work and then he will come back so we will take the class.

The silence in this dream had a Body!! It was so silent , and I was sitting on the stais watching a florescent light for I dont know how long ,when a far door opened and all my stuedntes came out running. They were racing to the car. So I stood overlooking them ad I jiggled the keys ,,,, I wanted them to remember that I had the keys and that there is no point of running towards the car but they raced anyway.

Emad was the first to give up the race and he gently stopped and moved away , then Tareq stopped ... as for Khaled and Matt they almost got there together but Matt got to the car one step before Khaled. Then they started looking for the jiggling sound ... we laughed a little then Matt came up to me and I gave him his keys , he said: yalla we will see in class. And they all went.

I tried to get to the class but I could not ,,, My hair grew so thick , long and heavy and each time I tried to wrap my Hijab I just could not . After trying and trying I just gave up and I did not go to class!!

What the hell does that mean!!!

I woke up grumpy and even worried , I even felt the urge to call Emad. The way he gave up on the race worried me , I thought it might have something to do with their applications to USA hospitals or something .... But then I was like , it will go away ,,, it will go away ,, Besm allah Erahman Eraheem ,,,, what does that mean

A page from my paper Diary

ما أضيق العيش .. و دعوني من فسحة الأمل، لا أريد أن أشغل نفسي بها. الأمل يُضجرني ، كلّ شيء يضجرني ، و الشيء الوحيد الذي أرغب في عمله هو النوم.

النوم مُذْهِب للعقل و حلال و أنا متعبة جداً جداً جداً، مجرّد فكرة الاستمرار في اليقظة ترهقني .. يرهقني التواصل الاجتماعي بكل أشكاله، بدءاً من التعايش مع والديّ في البيت و انتهاءً بآليّة التقاء عيوني مع عيون الغرباء عندما أمشي في الشارع.

بالأمس نمتُ كما لم أنم منذ زمن. ذلك النوع من النوم كالبحر الذي له ظُلل. طبقاتٌ و طبقاتٌ من اللاوعي، و ذلك التعب الذي كان متجمعاً في أطرافي أخذ ينسحب مني كمصرفٍ فُتِحَ فجأة.

أعرف أن هذا ليس التشبيه الأكثر توفيقاً و لكنه الأقرب إلى تجمُّع النعاس و التعب و القرف و الاستياء، الذي كنت أحس به عمليّاً و فيزيائياً في أول خط في جسدي بعد الجلد مباشرة.

مع ذلك عندما استيقظت، شعرت بأمواج النعاس تطوّحني في عالم اليقظة. أهنالك بشرٌ غيري ممّن ينزلقون على الموكيت و يرتطمون بالأثاث بشكل يومي؟ و بعد ذلك هنالك طابور الموج الذي يرتطم بأغشية أذني من الداخل .. الدّوار .. الدّوار يأتي واضحاً واضحاً لا شية فيه، يسحب الأرض من تحت قدميّ و يلصقها على الجدران ، لا شيء في مكانه سواي ...

أراني ضعيفة، ضئيلة وسط دوّامة لحمي و دمي ، هرموناتي و إنزيماتي التي تنهش معدتي شخصياً.. أمشي في بيت أهلي كروحٍ قديمة ، أرى الصالون شاسعاً و الممر ممطوطاً لانهائياً ،و الحمام بعيد جداً جداً,,,

يؤسفني أن أقول هذا بعد كل هذا العمر ، و لكنني أشعر بالـ
حيال المكان بكل تفاصيله، و لا أسميه إلا بيت أهلي .. ما عاد بإمكاني أن أسمّيه "دارنا" كما كان دائماً .. ما عاد كذلك! ما عاد كذلك ، و أشعر بالتشرّد ، و بشي ءمن الأسى ... و الكثير الكثير من النعاس.

كنت أنام إلى جوار جدّتي عند باب السطح . كنت انام سعيدة جداً جداً بالقرب منها ، و من حرارة جسمها ، و من رائحتها التي تتداخل مع الريحان و القرفة. و لكننا الآن ننام متفرقين في الطابق السفلي منذ انشغل طابقنا بالضيوف.

توقفت للحظة لأتذكر لماذا قلت كل هذا؟

كنت أريد أن أقول أنني ضجرة من الأمل ، ضجرة من ملامح وجهي، و من عدم إخلاصي لاستيائي ... من انتقالي الأوتماتيكي من مزاج إلى مزاج لأتجنّب المقالب الاجتماعيّة و الحوارات التي قد تأخذ منحىً عميقاً قد يؤدي في التالي إلى قلب معدتي.

أريد أن انام حقاً على سرير يريحني في غرفة أحبها و على وسادة حقيقية، لعدد لانهائي من الساعات ، و دون ان تفتح أمي الباب كل قليل لتنظر إليّ بقرف و استياء يطرد ملائكة النوم...

و أريد أن أستيقظ لأجلس على طاولة تريحني في غرفة أحبها و أدرس كما ينبغي ، و أريد ألّا يكلمني أحد..

أنا ، تقوى ناجح مساعدة أقول و أنا بكامل قواي العقلية أنني لا أريد أن يكلمني أحد و لا أريد أن أكلم انا أحداً.

قلت كل شيء ، استهلكت اللغات .. اهترأ الكلام يا جماعة، و لا أجد بداخلي -مهما نقّبت- لا الرغبة و لا القدرة على أن أقول شيئا بعد.

خلص. قلت كل شيء. كتبت كل شيء .. أصلاً لو كانت اللغات رجلاً لقتلتْنِي ... أرهقتها و أنا أهرطق ، عن كل شيء و عن كل أحد ... عن أكبر التجارب و عن أبسط المشاعر ، عن المدن الكبرى و عن أصغر الزقاقات و عن أتفه المقاهي و حتى عن كرة القدم.

لقد قُلت كل شيء، و رغم إيماني بأن الطاقة لا تفنى و لا تستحدث و إنما تنتقل من شكل إلى آخر، إلا أن كل تلك الطاقة التي وضعتها في الكلام ضاعت في الفراغ ... ضاعت .. ضاعت...أنا لا أتكلم لغة أحد.

أنا ...
تلك الطفلة ذات الشعر المنشور المتشابك ، الحافية التي تدور في الحواكير لتعذّب الجنادب و تقطع لكل عنكبوت قدمه السابعة و الثامنة لتلحقه بمجموعة "الحشرات " ... تلك الطفلة هي أنا بلا زيادة و لا نقصان ، و كلّ ما تعلمته منذ ذلك الحين حتى الآن لم يقربني ولا خطوة واحدة من "الآخرين" .

كلُّ الآخرين معاً ، و أنا "معي" ، و يقتلني الضجر ... الضجر ... الضجر و النعاس .


Tara Lynn is Fluffy Too , she Stands for me ...

An article I received on Facebook ... It stands for me:

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)

You are Nobody

Years ago , I would have opposed the discourse of this song. I would have opposed the mere idea of considering one's self anything based on what others consider him/her. But now , actually today I feel so deeply deeply deeply ''nobody''.

I happen to be a smart funny interesting person , but apparently it is not enough.
This is how those things work,,,,They happen , you cant make them ,,,so no skills nor powers are useful , its just a turn on fate's line , and it did turn my way.

It just did not :)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

You Dont Know My Name

Will you ever know? This is a good question indeed
But for Now : It feels so Oooooo Ooooooo

Monday, October 3, 2011

At whatever Age: A Balloon always makes you happy

Today Orange were distributing balloons for their new campaign ,,, The street was all Orange and everyone were happy with their balloons. I took one , and gave it to Sara ,,,, It was weird in Gardens street though.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

One Fine Day

Today I had what we can call ''One Fine Day'' . It was so simple yet so surprising.
This year I was prepared to be BORED to death. Everyone said so , and I thought so as my friends have graduated and nobody my age is left but Mays , and Ala who happens to work in the university.

But suddenly those friends to whom I only used to say ''Hi/Bye'' to , come to the spot of light and astonish me with the great potential of ''humanity'' they have in them!! Maybe I did not see that before , maybe I was so absorbed into my own ''group'' that I did not give others a chance!

I had my morning cofe -my for ever LONELY activity- with Sasha ,,, we had a great conversation , she is sooo smart and pure ,,, I never knew that!! Then came Mays and Fatimah , and I wanted to eat breakfast in JUs Tables Restaurant -this is how we call it- but we got there late , so Fatima was like: Why not go to the 3amade Cafeteria? and I was like: Does 3amade even have a Cafeteria? ,,,, 5 years in Ju and I did not know that -not even thought about eating somewhere else!- .

We went to the 3amade and met some cute friends of Fatima's ,,, they are all writers -you could actually hear people reciting poetry in the background while eating in the cafeteria- painters , musicians or actors. (I am gonna write SOMETHING , one big thing about why and how I isolated myself from anything culture related and ended up blogging and writing diaries , this is an important topic) ... The ambient was good!! Surprisingly.

Then Fatimah took us to the Painting Hall to show us her paintings.
When we entered -Mays and I- we remembered when we were freshmen and came to the same place to learn to draw!! (How arrogant , or Dreamy was that!!) ... We hung around there for like 3 months and then we stopped going. Being back there brought me back to those days , when I used to draw and listen to Yazan Erousan and gaze infinitely in the existence!! How Pure was my soul by then!!

Even the Hall's director remembered us , she said: you were here 3 years ago! She told us we can come anytime and pick up from where we left ,,,, (Am so coming back!!!)

Look at our pictures :))))

Fatimah with her paintings
Mays is just a Beauty!!! Mashalla !!!

Afterwards we went to a Linguistics Symposium in Language Centre and there we assisted a lecture about translation , that was presented by Dr Luis Miguel Canada who is the Director of ''La Escuela de Traductores de Toledo'' ... A very very prestigious and fine school related to La Universidad de Castilla La Mancha which has a good program for translators between Arabic and Spanish.

The lecture was just great , ad the ambient was soooooooo SMART ,,,, there were 4 -not 1 not not 2 not 3 but 4 - interpretation booths as they were translating the symposium to English , Arabic , Spanish , German and French.

I was so proud of my faculty ,,, It was so amazingly special!!! Dr Hussien presented a paper about the translation of the word ''Sheikh'' in Arabic English and Spanish. You know those little mind notes you put aside while reading a translation? Those are the things that make a very great paper on translation!!!

Afterwards I talked to Dr Hussein on the stairs of Language Centre and I showed him some of my questions on the interpretations. He asked me about the conference - the one in Prince Hamza Hospital- and I told him: Everybody was thrilled about my translation, but I was not satisfied. So he said: Hija mia, en el trabajo de un traductor nunca se llega a la satisfaccion , siempre hay algo mejor. (Oh daughter, in a translators work , you will never reach satisfaction , there is always something better) .


Afterwards Mays and I went to have a cup of coffee in the Milk Bar , and as I was sitting on the pavement I saw Rose. Rose is an old school friend whom I have been trying to meet for the last two months but never really got to fix a date. I ran to her and we went on yelling , jumping , hugging and talking for very nice 15 minutes ,,,, I love this picture ,,, I dont look good but I look happy as I used to be when I was a child ,,, I am blessed to have the friends I have,,,

Actually today as I was wandering around with Mays I told her: We were deprived one ENTIRE JU YEAR ,,, I know that we were in Spain , but our Jordanian University experience is one years shorter than everybody else's , and that we are now getting a new chance to retrieve everything we missed.

I am so blessed ,,, blessed to the deepest point of my Existence ,,, Alhamdullilah

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Adele is Fluffy!!!

I have never seen a picture of Adele although I have been a big fan of her great voice and perfect choice of words.

I never thought that the world of ''celebrities'' would welcome a girl my size in it. I know hiw this might sound , but anyway am happy , happy that a fluffy person gets a chance in this anorexic world.

I feel so represented and proud,,,, I love you Adele

A Quote from My Show: Grey's Anatomy

Although I loathe and detest both of them Derek and Meredith for their dull and unconvincing love story , but I loved this quote , he said this to her when she asked him why he did not sign his divorce papers to terminate his marriage with Addison:

I was married for eleven years , Adison is my family, that is 11 thanksgivings , 11 birthdays and 11 Christmases and in one day I am supposed to sign one piece of paper and end my family .. A person does not do that not without a little hesitation ... I am entitled to a little uncertainty here , just a moment to understand the magnitude of what it means to cut somebody out of my life, I am entitled to at least one moment of painful doubt and a little understanding from you would be nice.