Saturday, July 31, 2010

Friday, July 30, 2010

Non-automatic Countdown

25 Days to Granada

The problem with blogging, facebook and twitter

The problem is so simple: That I can be posting in any psychological circumstances and the words would just look like ''words'' , this is not easy at all , it breaks my heart actually.

I am actually writing this post after crying in the shower for an hour - never did that before- and now the words look innocent in the page as if they are telling any other normal story.

This is just pointless ,,, this is really sadder.

I was talking to my Mom and she was making some real questions about ''his'' situation and I ran out of answers. She was trying to convince me that its no big deal so I started yelling and asking her not to say that and things got out of my hand and I started crying and then I saw my aunt entering our front yard so I was like: We always have company , we dont even have the time to fight ,,, and I went to the shower and started crying.

I was so sad , hopeless , helpless but relieved , I always had hard time trying to cry ,,, I dont cry and when I do my tears fall cold!! this time they had little heat in them and I thought to myslef: Ok , maybe I started feeling things normally!!

It was not only about him , its about a rare weakness that I feel when I crave something and cant get it because I am too well raised to ask for it. I can write a thousand words blog entry but never get to describe those minutes under the cold water of our shower.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Non-automatic Countdown

26 Days to Granada

Mom and Dad: 27 years

Today Mom and Dad have survived their 27th year together!! Mashalla although 27 is o much time :)

Dropped the next YEAR: something about letting go

Today I gathered my courage and went to Registration and dropped the next year. I just decided that although it hurts me so much to leave Jordan , University of Jordan , my people and friends but I am going to Spain and staying the entire year.

I am not freaking out anymore , I know what I want to do : I want to speak perfect Spanish and tis comes with hard work , hard work needs sacrifices so am sacrificing.

I am gonna miss a lot of things , and gonna be homesick for a while. I am gonna cry in the airport this time , I am gonna miss my parents but when this emotional roller coaster pulls over i will be many many steps closer to my dream ,, so its worth it.

Bye Bye University of Jordan ,, see you next summer semester :)

Spending the saddest morning with the best poet: Dr Khaled El Karaki

This morning I was so sad.
Not the ''pamper me'' sad , but the ''leave me alone and let me think'' kind of sadness. I sat outside for a while maybe smoke a cigarette or two and then I felt that I should read poetry ,, you know to heal my soul.
I am banned from taking books from the library because I was late in returning the last things I borrowed so I had to stay in with the book ,,, I sat reading ''Rajaa Assaheel'' by Dr. Khaled Al Karaki ,,,
I was looking at the world through the book , listening to the pain in my heart , feeling the vast emptiness this Bedouin has left in my heart , and the great gap of silence that nothing fells but the voice of Dr Khaled and his magical words,,,

و أنا
هذا السكون يحز روحي
و المدى
و الحلم أن يأتوا بعيدٌ لا يرام

Those were some original moments in my life , after which I went to my patrol spot and did not see him ,,, yeah thats sad ,, thats beyond words

Crack of Light in the Library

My other Birthday: July 29th 2007

In a day like today three years ago I attended my first Spanish class in el Instituto Cervantes of Amman. In a morning like this one I did not know anything about the best thing that ever happened to me.

This picture was taken by me , using my mobile in the centers cafeteria few minutes before my first class started ,,, who ever thought that that linguistic crush would turn into the best love story my heart has ever felt!!!

All thanks are due to Allah ,,, may the years that come bring me more knowledge and a better grip of language and translation.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Its so big ,,, Crush crash

Today it ended ,,, well not inside me but on the ground
After all : who cares about the ground?

Non-automatic Countdown

27 Days for Granada

Today I called Lujain freaking out and asked her to remeber what things did we have to do when we went to Spain last year , and she satrted thinking ,arranging my ideas ,telling me stuff and giving me things to do.

Thank you lulu san :)

Calling Dad

Today I called Dad while I was in the University ... I told him that I want to pray Estikhara and then i will start the process of the visa to Spain becuase I have a feeling that I dont want to go.

He was so supporting!!! He did not intrude , he made me understand that its entirely my decision and whatever it is he agrees on it... he did not even ask many bugging question ''why not? why now? what are your plans , intentions or feelings?'' he just made me feel great ...

Just opening that gap in the wall of waiting makes me feel better , way much better

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Monday, July 26, 2010

Non-automatic Countdown

29 Days to Granada

Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God
I am totally freaking out , I am not ready for this, i have nothing ready , not my suitcase , my visa , my passport , my study plan , my clothes , my room , my books my heart

Sunday, July 25, 2010

New Banner

For a moment like this some people wait a lifetime

The moment in which I saw Mosque of Cordoba my life reached its peak , it was and will always be the biggest moment in my life

Non-automatic Countdown

30 Days for Granada

Friday, July 23, 2010

Something I should say for the days to come

Ok ...
I might think that I should not be writing this , for the traditional reasons: Its just a phase. It will pass . There is no point of having a written record of each crush , feeling or even mere stupidity.
But now I went back to last years posts and I loved reading the roller coaster of feelings I had about everything , Russia , Spain and some guy.
Its so healthy to have a record of those ups and downs , it reminds a person o f whom he truly is, and how he/she got to where they are standing now and today.

I owe this to myself ,,,

So ...
Here I am gonna write all what I feel about this issue ...At first its funny that Sara and I who are university wide known for there ability to make nicknames that stick for ever for everybody, we did not come up with any name for him, we suggested Señor Tren ... which is spanish for Mr Hot (literally it is Mr Train>>> His charm hits you like a train) then I thought why not Mr Kangaroo ,,, Senor Honesto and many other things.

But at the end I thought: Nothing fits him more than his own name,, it rings when he says it (he did it a couple of times) or when I say it. Or when somebody says it ,,,, (there is a phrase that I wanted to put here but I am just not going to put it ,, I dont want it to make me sad later on) .

I love my life always , I wake up happy everyday ,,

Nice Song by Mohammad Fuad

I just came across this song on facebook ,,, its so nice and it touches the heart ...
I dont miss the days when I was young - I am still young and I cant remeber things accuartely heheheh - but this song has nice meanings and good music

نص من دفتري :أنشره لحاجة في نفس يعقوب

مضى وقت طويلٌ منذ آخر مرة شعرت فيها بهذا الشعور.

شعور أنني أوشك على الموت!!

سيكون ضرباً من البياخة أن أموت في إسبانيا . ستتبهدل السفارة الأردنية في إجرءات نقل جثتي ، و لن أتسامح مع فكرة أن أدفن في مكانٍ سوى الأردن. ضع جانباً فكرة أن أهلي سيحزنون كثيراً إذا ما متّ و انا بعيدة.

هنالك سيناريوهان (صيغة المثنى من سيناريو) مقترحان لتفسير الحالة: الأول أنني لا أرى المستقبل. في العادة لدي القدرة على التخطيط لعشرين سنة إلى الأمام. و لكنني منذ فترة أعجز عن التخطيط و لا حتى للعشرة دقائق القادمة. و خاصة عندما أفكر بأن إسبانيا قادمة، أجد قلبي في حالة هدوء غريبة!! للحظات (باتت عديدة الآن) أفكّر بأنني لا أريد أن أذهب. أراجع دوافعي و رغباتي و حماسي و أولوياتي

بالأمس مررت بدقيقة كآبة مستديرة. مستديرة بحيث أشعر أنها بلانهاية و لا بداية، شعرتُ فيها بالرغبة بأن أنسى كل اللغة الإسبانية الموجودة داخل رأسي. لا أعرف لماذا.

أنا أعرف أنني أحب اللغة الإسبانية أكثر من أي شيء في حياتي. أكاد أجزم أنها الشيء الوحيد الحقيقي. الشيء الوحيد الذي أستيقظ سعيدةً كل يوم لمجرّد أنه موجود. الشيء الذي يبرر وجودي و يجعل معركتي جديرة بأن تخاض، حياتي جديرة بأن تُعاش.

هذا الحب كاملٌ كاملُ كاملٌ تماماً. يملأ الحاضر بالشعاع و الماضي بالذكريات الجميلة و المستقبل بالخطط و الواضحة المعالم.

أحياناً لا أصدّق أنني أنا من تعيش هذه السعادة كلها. أنني أنا من تغرق في بحر الرضا هذا.

أريد أن أنفذ إلى أعماق الفكرة فعلاً . أريد أن أعرف لماذا فكرت و لو لثانية أنني أريد أن أعود بحياتي إلى صباح 29-7-2007 ، ذلك الصباح الذي لم أكن أعرف فيه أي كلمة إسبانية.


ربما لأن هذا الحب يجعل حياتي أعجوبة، و لأن العيش على مستوى أعجوبة يكون مرهقاً أحياناً.

إن ما حصل من تطوري السريع في اللغة الإسبانية خلال سنتين فقط ، و بعد ذلك سفري إلى قلب الأندلس، أدخل قلبي في فوضى عارمة. إن انتقال الأندلس من مجرد صور جامدة و أسطورية في مجلة العربي إلى واقع رأيته بعيني و لمسته بيدي و اجتاح عليّ وعيي، و عاث فساداً بذاكرتي على مستوى الصوت و الطعم و الرائحة و اللون و التجربة و الموسيقى.. كلّ هذا أثقل قلبي.

إن الأسطورة مسألة مسطّحة و بسيطة يحتفظ بها الإنسان داخل أفكاره ، و يحتفل فيها بمشاعره. أما أن تعيش الأسطورة كما يعيش الناس حياتهم، فإن هذا ... دعنا نقول: إن هذا "محيَر".

لا أريد أن أقول أن إسبانيا صدمتني. لأن هذا ليس دقيقاً و لكنني أشعر بخيبة. بالضبط كما قالت "أبييانيدا" في رواية "الهدنة"، أن المغارة الزرقاء لم تكن في النهاية ،إلا مغارة فيها نبع ماء، عندما تضع يديك فيه فإنهما تبدوان زرقاوين و مضيئتين بعض الشيء.

أنا وضعت يدي في ماء هذا النبع و ما زلتُ أنتظر معجزة. الحياة ليست معجزة. الحياة حياة. يمكننا أن نراها بفرح. أن نحتفي بها ، و لمنها لن ترقَ إلى مستوى كرنفال الفرح و المفاجآت الذي ننفخه داخل رؤوسنا.

ربما أردت أن أرجع إلى نقطة الجهل تلك ، لأستعيد ألق ذلك الحب ، عندما كان مجرّد مغازلة ...

مضى بين السطر الماضي و هذا السطر دقيقة. جلست فيها سارحة الذهن أتنهد. إنني أشعر بانزياحٍ حمل كبير عن قلبي. لقد احتجت لأن أقول هذا عن إسبانيا و الإسبانية منذ وقت طويل ، و لكنني لم أفعل لأنني لم أشأ أن أنال أو انتقص من قدر هذه المعجزة .. إنها في النهاية: معجزتي الشخصية.

ما أزال مؤمنة أن هذا الحب كامل كامل كامل

كمال صوت فيروز في الصباحات الباردة المورقة .

كمال مشهد عصفور و هو يلتقط كسرة خبز و يطير.

هذا الحب كامل لا ينقص منه شيء إن قلت أنني أخشى من الالتزام، و أخاف من طول الأمد، و اخاف ألا اكون بحجم الأسطورة.


ربما أشعر بأنني على وشك الموت لأنني أكتب. لن أتكلم كثيرا عن الأمر، و لكنه واحدٌ من عدة مشاعر درامية جنائزية تنتابني عندما أكتب، أستدر بها شفقتي على نفسي ، و احزن على الدنيا ، و أتلذذ بالكآبة ، و عندها فقط أكتب شيئا جميلاً .


الوقت الآن مساء. نحن الآن في حديقة الحارة. ما زلت أشعر بأنني على وشك الموت ، و بأن الأيام تمرّ بطريقة عبثيّة ، و بأن الأشياء الجميلة تنتهي ، و بأنني حيادية جداً ، و في نفس الوقت قادرةٌ جداً على إطلاق الأحكام باطمئنان.

ما زلت أشعر بشيء في جسدي يثقل و يثقل و ينتزع كل رغباتي في الحركة ، ثم ينقلب هذا الشيء كله إلى خفة تجعل المسافات و المساحات مسألة بلا قيمة.

ما زلت أشعر بالرغبة في البكاء، بالسور السميك الذي يفصل قلبي عن عيوني ، و قنواتي الدمعية عن قنوات المنطق فيّ ، أو بشكل أوضح: بالسور الذي يفصل بين التقوات العديدات الموجودات بداخلي.

ما زلتُ أشتاق إلى أشياء مبهمة ، و أشعر بالرقة في لحظات لا صفات لها ، و بينما أمشي تدهمني لحظة أحتاج عندها إلى التوقف التام و النظر حولي . و بينما أتكلّم ينقطع حبل أفكاري المشدود فلا اكاد أجد طرفيه.

ما زلت أبحث عن أغنية محددة مفصلة على قياس ما أشعر به. ما زلت أقص صورة كاظم الساهر من الجريدة باعتباره المفهوم المطلق و البرزخي و الأبدي للرجولة.

يبدو أنني مصابة بنزلة حب عنيفة تسلبني الرغبة في الحياة من حيث تمنحني إياها.

محبتي 21- 7-2010

I am Invited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I - FINALLY- received the invitation letter from Universidad de Granada ....
I knew that I have a scholarship in May , and until yesterday I did not have any actual papers indicating that the scholarship is a fat... after a sequence of stupid emails constantly replied by automatic replies telling me ''we are out of office''.
So an emal that was not supposed to be sent to my friend Mays , was sent to her,, she asked me: did you receive anything from Erasmus? I saw your gmail mail in the list!!

Where the hell did they get my Gmail!!

Anyway I now have it and next week I am going to the embassy to get STARTED :)

An Islamic center on Ground Zero: So What?

A muslim group is trying to establish an Islamic center in Ground Zero - the former site of World Trade Centers twin towers- to enhance the religious diversity and enrich the american society. It started by american muslims but its being strongly opposed for the same reasons of always that I can write a song that has them all :)

This whole thing looks too ridiculous - its really funny how people who have no evidence are using the idea that '' muslims are the ones responsible for 911'' as a FACT- I wonder what the definition of FACT is. It funny that people can be ignorant in a way that makes them believe that Caida exists , moderates itself and it can hit the heart of america without anybody knowing. The funniest thing of all is - assuming that Caida exists- that people believe that Osama Bin Laden represents Islam , and they - the people who never cared to read a proper book - think that what one individual does represents an entire idea as deep and elaborate as Islam.

In spite of that I was reading an article written by an american minister and I am glad to publish it here ,,, at least SOMEBODY is reasonable!!

God Bless you father Welton :)

A good day with language partners :)

Today Sara and I spent the day with our language partners Elise and Elizabeth in Saras place.

It was so nice ,,, Sara and I always tend to freak out before spending time with people but it always turns out just fine :)

Saturday, July 17, 2010

The Dream of all Dreams

Last night I prayed Estikhara - which is a muslim prayer that a person does in order to decide on a matter that he is reluctant about- I was not sure about the matter I am consulting God about, but I just felt the need to talk to him about ''him''. So I prayed and slept and I dreamed of this:

I was in a shop with him and Dad . They did not talk to each other , they just directed the speech to me as it they were intentionally ignoring each other.

Dad gave me a thread and a needle. I kept them in a tissue and then he gave me a button that was wrapped in a lucid plastic bag and said that I can keep it. Then he left , i said something stupid to my dad - I did not want dad to know that i am going after him - i followed him and asked him not to be mad at dad , he may has not recognized you ,,, he said it was ok , smiled and then left.

When I woke up I looked up the meanings of the dream symbols from Ibn Sereen's book. It said that a button is marriage for the single dreamer , and it symblises the unity of a man and a woman.

I was shocked ,,, really shocked ,,, tomorrow I am asking a colleague who knows better in dreams interpretation ,,,, i just wanna make sure about this , its so big , so important and totally unexpected!!!

I cant deny that I am happy ,,, happy ,, happy ,, happy

I cant say much ,, i am afraid that if i say much i might regret my words , or they may make me feel sad later on ,,,,

Dear God , as always : I trust you :)

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Yesternight I had a dream ...

Yesternight I had a dream ...
I had an exam on Thursday - in real life- and although in the dream i was so sure that it was Wednesday, but I went anyway to the exam.

The buildings were nothing like university of Jordan , they were so geometrical and neat. All buildings looked the same and the computer lab looked like a science fiction movie.

I started writing the exam , and while I was half way through he came in and he head immediately to where I was sitting , he had a very firm look , and he pressed on his tooth and lips.

When he reached me he hit my hand with his!! He was so strong , so sure !!! The reluctance that one might have while hitting another did not exist at all , he was sur that it was my hand what he was looking for ... he stared at me for a second with his read eyes and then he asked for a pencil to check the absence list!!

That was a tricky moment in the dream ...
There is a set of feelings that it does not make sense to have actually felt them in a DREAM!! In a dream you cant smell , you cant feel liquids or tastes and: you cant feel skin. But I felt his hand , it was so dense , so thick , so present. His human warmness ,and his blood circulation behind the thin skin ,,, I felt it as if he was actually there,,,

I know I was hit , which is bad , but for some reason it felt so good in the dream ,,, I passed through that specific type of fear that I like ... The extreme respect that makes you give voluntarily an extra level of obedience ,,,, a fear that you dont practice in your heart but in your senses and mind.

It felt so good ,,, it felt perfect ,,, I cant explain that not even to myself ,,,, but maybe i was happy that at least I am seeing him after many days without having a glimpse of him ,,,,

His hand was there,,, the blood in his veins really passed above my skin ,,,,

Later, i gave him a pencil , he gave it back to me and I tried to write my name but I was too nervous that I misspelled it and then the pencils head broke!!

At the end of the dream I was hanging in the air from a swirl formed by a stair case , a girl was telling me that I can jump and that the place where I was hanging is not that high ,,, when I looked it was 4 floors high!!

I cant recall more form the dream but I was in no where when it ended , was I happy that it ended?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Spain did it ,,, yes She did it

Espana has just won the World Cup ,,,, When Iker Casillas left it up my heart flew ,,,, I was on tears ,,, I cant describe that feeling , its just way too big , too nice , too wonderful ....

Enhorabuean Espana ,,,,, Enhorabuena the biggest piece of my heart :)

Thursday, July 8, 2010

School Time Feeling: Never again!!

I dont know if I ever mentioned in this blog how much I hate school , but yes: No one will ever hate school as much as I did. Mostly I hated it because of the bus that used to come way too early , that for 12 years I thought I loved to sleep . University taught me something about myself: I dont love to sleep I just hated waking up because I hated school !!

Today I overslept I dont know why , and as I was putting on my socks I heard the ugly beeping sound of a school bus and I started screaming!! My mom was startled , I was too ....

As i walked down the street I felt the infinite happiness that grows in my heart everyday: School Is behind and I am going Ahead :)

Oh my God Spain!! You did it!!!

I cant believe that has Just happened!!! Spain kicked the thick German ass and moved to the final!!!
That was amazing and it made me proud ,,,, I cant find words , i just wish that we will kick the Netherlands ass on Sunday and then Spain would go home with ''La Copa del Mundo"

please Dear God Please Pease Please

Crossroad: 5 months or 9 months?

Shall I go for the entire year? I am really wondering so hard ,,, I cant decide

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Players that are missed: Spices of a REAL World Cup

We are one football match away from the end of the world cup , and so far it had no Magic ,,,, it was just football.

I remember days of other championships that would fill the soul with some kind of a magical essence ,,, I am sorry but this time I did not exactly feel that.

Here are some names that I really miss ,,, i miss their abilities, their styles , their personalities and the variety they form being at once together:
Zaidan: The former French Captain ,,, the living legend of football
Sven Goran Eriksson: Former coach of England .... Classy
Louis Philip Scholari: Former coach of Brasil ... Kind
David Bechkam: Captain of the English team ,,, hardly found a picture of him with ACTUAL clothes on him , but he is a part of the game
Ronaldo >>>> Brasil >>>> Well here is an adjective for him: he is so Ronaldo!!!
And Ronaldinhio ,,,, The best smile on the dark face .,,, the pleasure of football on its best course

You are missed :)

MTN world cup commercials: Creativity

Crush Alert: !!!!

I dont know , I thought I should post something in my blog about this , although its stupid , but the main purpose of this blog is to make a back-up for my 128 mb memory.

I am having a crush!!! I have them all the time - actually I can remember very fews eras in my life when I was not having one- and this one is an intentional crush to go through the summer course, but suddenly its slipping from my hands!!!

Its not that I am falling in love - I formerly said that I never had fallen in love - but I just love the flood of adrenaline in my blood when I am about to see him , and that vast funny feeling in my stomach when he disappears ...

Mostly I love how serious I act around him that people are taking a horribly inaccurate impression about me,, they think that I am a HARD WORKER !! Is not that just funny ? ,,,,
I love Jordan Studies class ,,, its GREAT

Sunday, July 4, 2010

New Banner

How would a world cup be without a Messi?

Saturday, July 3, 2010

The Help is off tonight

Its late now and I am in bed. It was an ugly day . I can enjoy everything but today I was thinking about all the other women that wake up in the morning with plans and go to bed at night without accomplishing them , just because they were held hostages in their own kitchens.

Without Argentina!!! Are you kidding me?!!

ِArgentina has just lost!!!
Oh My God Oh My God!!! I cant really understand that ,,, and it is not some normal loss but 4 to ZERO!!!
I cant describe how I feel now , but I am frustrated , World Cup looks dumb now ,,, I have always thought of Messi as the protagonist of all time novels who comes out of the nothing and makes the ''good ones'' win a minute before the end , he always did it with Barcelona , always saved everyone , always made us gasp in admiration , sigh in relief ,,, but this is .. this is ... I cant find the vocabulary but it is!!!!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

6 secrets about my life

I was tagged here: to write to write 6 secrets about my life ,,, I first wondered if I have any , and this is what I came up with:

1- I have had in my life more than a hundred crushes. I get the heart beating and I blush , butterflies race in my stomach and Adrenaline goes in my veins river like,, after a while it just fades ,,, it fades in a funny way that I doubt I was ever in love.

2- Everytime a guy comes close to me I automatically - almost subconsciously- compare him to Kazem Al-saher , therefor I can decide if he is worth it or not.

3- I once was depressed and on medications , I tried to kill myself by then but I was so religious that I could not go through with it ... I am so happy that I did not die that day , it would have been stupid and a great loss of such a wonderful life. Though , I know that I still lack a specific chemical substance in my system that causes me unexplainable deep and dark sensation of sadness.

4- I have intentionally sabotaged all my friendships. Whenever me and my friend get close enough to becoming ''best friends'' I turn into a true Bitch!! I think its some kind of fear of intimacy or whatever but I hope I can get over it.

5- I was an atheist for a while in my life. I do not regret it , it helped me get to where I am standing now. I believe I am the happiest woman ever existed because my relation with God is special.

6- I was once truly in love and it hurt me badly. When I see him my heart goes blank and I feel that nothing in life means anything. I wish I can format him and just live with the idea that he does not love me and thats it!

Thats all :)