Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Saving the Old Letters

Ever since I was a child I was always terrified with my Mom's continuous eagerness towards arranging closets and drawers. She would them turn them over and start arranging everything inside them.

My little sins were always discovered in such events.

Today she decided to clean up the ruins of my library -and here it is not a metaphor , they are actually all my books that were left without shelter as she gave away the closet to my brothers house- and as always I felt that uneasiness towards the whole thing.

I felt totally naked while my Mom, aunt , brother and sister in law were arranging the books , because each page had in it a peace of paper that has things that I wrote many many years ago , or tree leaves and things that mean -or used to mean- something only to me , and would absolutely look ridiculous to anyone besides me.

In the midst of all that mess I found the file where I kept Ahmad's letters. I saved the file and left the scene because as I have this file then nothing else matters.

Ahmad was my first love. I dont know anything about him now , and he has changed in my perspective now that he is not a person anymore, he is more of a symbol to my enlightment.

I stopped loving him a long long time ago , but his letters were filled with wisdom , philosophy and literature and every time I read them I see something new in them. Mostly I see what he saw in me meanwhile I was a 15 years old distracted teenager.

For what its worth, I dont recall ever having a solid and durable feeling as this one. This gratitude to this guy who came into my life for 5 simple months and transformed me from a close minded child to a young lady with so much potential.

For what its worth ,,,, I wanna say: Thank you :)

Today was a different day ,,,,

Today , and after a long while of not reading Quran nor being able to concentrate in it ,I went down to the library's oratorio an I read a page from Surat Maryam. After only one recital I memorized the page!!! I read it again and again from my memory and I was stunned by me tone! I never read Quran with this tone. I have always kept the same tone ever since I was a kid , but today I sounded so different and so ,,, so in touch with the words.

Then I went to my Oud class. I sucked!! I was not prepared because I did not get to practice this week and my teacher got me! He was like : We are gonna send you over to the mice room (I wish he would , then I will HAVE to practice) then for the last 45 minute of class we sang songs on the Maqam we studied today.

Today we studied Maqam Ajam , and he asked us to think of songs that were composed on this Maqam. I started saying names of songs and I was right! They were Ajam , and I felt like singing so I started singing and my teacher played the Oud.

It was so amazing that I forgot about the rest of the class and I was hung over the music all alone. God it was amazing!!

I have always wanted to sing out loud , never actually did it - dont know why- but today I flied with the words,,, I was so happy!!

God am so happy .

Today a friend - Hakeem- saw me in the Deanship's Cafeteria and he said that my eyes are glowing with happiness,,,, How accurate was that!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

مغازلة طويلة ،تُفضي إلى مصارحة موجعة

اليوم التقطت صديقتي آلاء هذه الصورة لي في حصة العود. دخلت كالريح ، التقطت الصورة و خرجت. و عندما عدت في المساء و وجدت
الصورة على صفحتي على الفيس بوك شعرت بالنعمة.. قلة هم اولئك الذين يتسنى لهم أن يسجل لهم أحدٌ ما أعلى لحظاتِ حياتهم.

هذه اللحظة كانت لحظة نشوة ...اليوم تعلمنا عن المقامات الموسيقية ، و بعد كل الحصص الماضية التي كانت حافلة بتمارين الأصابع و الاوتار و التي لم ترتقِ إلى ما كنا نتخيله عن ''حصة العود'' جاءت حصة اليوم كالسلوى، لنتكلم فيها عن الفكرة التي تحوك بخاطر الموسيقى عندما تتنقل من مقام إلى آخر.

مرة أخرى خنقني العود ...
مرة أخرى شعرت بأجيال البكاء التاريخي تتدافع داخل رأسي و تبلل تفكيري ، و شعرت بأن العود و بعد مغازلة طويلة صرّح لي بأنه قادمٌ إليّ ليمحو كل ما قبله... قادمٌ ليبكيني و يضحكني و يغرقني بالوجل و الشوق و النشوة و الأسى و الوجد و كل الأشياء الأخرى التي لا أسماء لها.

أنا اليوم أشعر بنوع نادر من راحة البال . باليقين بأن الدهشة التي كانت تغمرني عندما كنت طفلة ما تزال ممكنة ، وبأن شهقة الانبهار بالأشياء ما تزال ممكنة ... اليوم أشعر أنني لم أرَ كل شيء و لم أعتدْ كل شيء و أنني ما أزال صغيرة جداً ، و أن دنيا الربّ ما تزال حافلة بالتفاصيل الصغيرة ، و الأفراح العظيمة ... كفرحتي بالمقامات .. المقامات على سبيل المثال لا الحصر.




Saturday, January 28, 2012

Life After Megaupolad


It has been almost 10 days since Megavideo was shut down and ever since I have not seen not one episode of anything! Not in English nor in Spanish.

I came back from Spain 7 months ago , and ever since I have not watched an actual TV holding the remote in my hand. Its just impossible in my house and all the other houses of my family because people are watching the news all the time. I know its so shallow and self abosrbed to worry about my TV shows while people are being killed everywhere, but this is almost my only time alone and it has been taken away.

I miss Megaupload and the infinite streaming ,,, If I know I would lose it I would have never complained the 72 minutes restriction.

Efffffft ,,, I dont know what else to say really! Why the freaking LAW now?!! We have used those copyrights for so long that they belong to no one anymore God Damn it!

Lluvia - Por Federico Garcia Lorca





La lluvia tiene un vago secreto de ternura,
algo de soñolencia resignada y amable,
una música humilde se despierta con ella
que hace vibrar el alma dormida del paisaje.

Es un besar azul que recibe la Tierra,
el mito primitivo que vuelve a realizarse.
El contacto ya frío de cielo y tierra viejos
con una mansedumbre de atardecer constante.

Es la aurora del fruto. La que nos trae las flores
y nos unge de espíritu santo de los mares.
La que derrama vida sobre las sementeras
y en el alma tristeza de lo que no se sabe.

La nostalgia terrible de una vida perdida,
el fatal sentimiento de haber nacido tarde,
o la ilusión inquieta de un mañana imposible
con la inquietud cercana del color de la carne.

El amor se despierta en el gris de su ritmo,
nuestro cielo interior tiene un triunfo de sangre,
pero nuestro optimismo se convierte en tristeza
al contemplar las gotas muertas en los cristales.

Y son las gotas: ojos de infinito que miran
al infinito blanco que les sirvió de madre.

Cada gota de lluvia tiembla en el cristal turbio
y le dejan divinas heridas de diamante.
Son poetas del agua que han visto y que meditan
lo que la muchedumbre de los ríos no sabe.

¡Oh lluvia silenciosa, sin tormentas ni vientos,
lluvia mansa y serena de esquila y luz suave,
lluvia buena y pacifica que eres la verdadera,
la que llorosa y triste sobre las cosas caes!

¡Oh lluvia franciscana que llevas a tus gotas
almas de fuentes claras y humildes manantiales!
Cuando sobre los campos desciendes lentamente
las rosas de mi pecho con tus sonidos abres.

El canto primitivo que dices al silencio
y la historia sonora que cuentas al ramaje
los comenta llorando mi corazón desierto
en un negro y profundo pentagrama sin clave.

Mi alma tiene tristeza de la lluvia serena,
tristeza resignada de cosa irrealizable,
tengo en el horizonte un lucero encendido
y el corazón me impide que corra a contemplarte.

¡Oh lluvia silenciosa que los árboles aman
y eres sobre el piano dulzura emocionante;
das al alma las mismas nieblas y resonancias
que pones en el alma dormida del paisaje!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

iTeach: A course in the University


Today I finished teaching the second course in my life. I have not talked about it earlier because it was a very short course , 5 classes of 3 hours each.

It was an important experience . My students enjoyed it way much than I did , but I could not help but be pressured with many factors. First of all that my students this time were my actual colleagues , which made it hard for me to be as strict as I tend to be usually (when it comes to things like arriving on time, taking notes of the piles of things that I am writing on the board and letting me decide what are we gonna discuss , when and how). It is not that I wanted to be a class dictator, but it bugged me that some of them could not tell the difference between Takwa the friend and colleague , and Takwa the teacher.

Another thing that pressured me was that I was -for the very first time- teaching in an actual room in the University of Jordan!! This is my plan for the future , to be a doctor who teaches Spanish in JU , so finding myself in the room TEACHING got into me the first few hours.

Besides that , it was a great course , I got to teach a lot of useful stuff and elaborate in many many aspects. Still I feel like I have a long long way to go until I can be half the teacher I wanna be.

Enshalla God will give me help and guidance to achieve that.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

It has Been a Year بحبك يا مصر 







كنا مش حاسين بقيمة والامل موضة قديمة
بس في ثانية افتكرنا ان بلادنا عظيمة
ارفع راسك انت مصري انت واحد من اللي نزلوا الميدان
إنت وقفت جمب جارك في اللجان انت رجعت المصري بتاع زمان
شايف الدنيا بشكل تاني السما صافية سامع اغاني
واللي اتيغر فيا هوا طعم الحرية في لساني
بيقولوا مصر هرم ونيل ونسيوا المصري الاصيل
اللي ساعد الجد دايماً يقدر يعمل المستحيل
ارفع راسك فوووق انت مصري



This song gives me the chills.

Hold Your Head High ,,, You are Egyptian ,,, You are one of those who stood in Tahrir.
You stood up for your country and for that -only for that- you are worthy of respect till the eternity.


Happy First Anniversary of the Egyptian Revolution

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

هراء خرائط


غرناظة في داخلي ما هي إلا كلمة واحدة: آه ...

يغيب اشتياقي إليها كحمّى، تهدر أحياناً على جوانب دماغي، و في أحيان أخرى تغيب كأنها لم تكن في حياتي يوماً.. بل تغيب و كأنها لم تكن يوماً في العالم.. تغيب تماماً كطفلٍ يلعب الغميضة، و يجلس في مخبئه كاتماً ضحكة خبيثة.

غرناطة .... غرناطة .....غرناطة و كل ما تبقّى في الدنيا هراء خرائط

أجلس الآن في زاويتي في الجامعة الأردنية ، و عندما أنظر إلى الوراء، أدرك أنني أملك الآن بهاء و كمال تلك الأيام. أملكه الآن كاملاً لا شية فيه. الحنين ليس لي ، فانا أدرك ..أنا أعرف .. أنا أضع كمال الذكرى في جيبي الصغير.

إن كانت تلك الأيام قد علمتني شيئاً فقد علمتني أن الحياة خلقت لنحياها على عجل، ثم لنرويها على مهل.

عرفت - حتى أعمق نقطة في تكويني - أنني لا أريد أن أدخل الجنة لمجرد أن أنجو من النار ، أو لأتنعم بالنعيم الأبدي .. بل أريد - و أعتزم- أن أدخل الجنة لكي أتحرر من مفهوم الزمن. أريد أن أكفّ عن نزف الدقائق و الساعات و الأيام، و أريد أن أمضي إلى الأمام دون أن أرى شظايا عمري تتناثر خلفي.

غرناطة أسكرتني بهذه الرغبة لأنها صغيرة و عميقة. شوارعها معدودة ، زواياها معدودة ، و طرق الضياع فيها محدودة ، و كلما مشيت في زقاقاتها كنت أرى بوضوح أكبر مظاهرةً من الدقائق التي تقفز في وجه الأبدية محاولةً أن تثبت وجهة نظر ، بينما الأبدية تزيحها كالغبار و تلقي بها إلى النهر ... إلى البحر .. إلى مزبلة التاريخ.

غرناطة الصغيرة تحبني و أحبها و تملكني ، و لكنني لا أملكها، و لهذا كان سيف الزمن مسلطاً على رقبتي.. لم أكن أنظر إليها بعينيّ، بل كان دماغي كله يتحول إلى اسفنجة تحاول بكل ما أوتيت من قوة أن تغب غرناطة كاملة، حتى إذا انتهى الزمن و ما عاد بإمكاني أن أراها، كان بإمكاني أن أستحضرها من ذاكرتي ، و أن أعيشها من جديد في نعيمي الشخصي جداً.

أذكر بوضوح، يوماً كنت فيه في زقاقة من زقاقات البايثين، حيث يرفع المرء رأسه و يرى - على حين غرة- في فسحة الأفق بين بيتين ، يرى جانباً من قصر الحمراء، و جانباً من جبل السبيكة ، و جانباً من نهر الداررو .. يرفع المرء رأسه و على حين غرة تهاجمه الجنة و هو في منتصف دنياه!

و هنا يشعر الإنسان الفاني بفرط سخافته... بشدة ضعفه.. بمحدودية إدراكه .. كنت حينها أقول: ماذا يفعل المرء بهذه الكمية الخرافية من الجمال، و كيف يتعامل مع ما تبقى من حياته؟ ماذا أفعل الآن؟

كنت حينها أفكر أن اجلس.. أفكر في أن لا أدع هذه اللحظة تمضي .. كنت لا أملك الوقت .. لا يوجد وقت، كان هنالك ساعة رقمية ضخمة تدق في كنف روحي تعدّ الثواني عدّاّ عكسياً و تدفعني للركض، للصراخ ، لترجّي الأبدية لكي تمضي على مهلها. و لهذا كنت أظل واقفة صامتة شاخصة البصر ، و أنفق عملة الوقت التي لا أملكها، كمتسول يهَب ما تسوّله إلى متسوّل آخر.

لم أكن اجلس. و هنا أريد أن أشكر براز الكلاب... أريد أن أشكره من أعمق أعماقي لأن الحياة لا يمكنها، و لا ينبغي لها أن تكون بهذا الكمال. سأذهب إلى الجنة و هناك سيكون لي غرناطتي. غرناطة لي لوحدي، كحلم الفاتح القديم الذي جاء إلى غرناطة فأسَرَتْه فأحضر حضارته كلها و جاء لينام في حضن مدينته و ليطيل أمد هذا الحلم.

غرناطة . غرناطة .. غرناطة

ليست مدينةً و لا قصراً، و لا نهراً يجري هارباً من الأسوار.. غرناطة هي لحظة مستديرة ثابتة كاملة في وجه الأبد ، و هي المكان الذي نظر إلي فيه الله و دعاني بكلمات واضحة إلى مملكته الأبدية.

أحبك جداً

تقوى

٢٤-١-٢٠١٢


Sunday, January 22, 2012

Snow Is a Miracle

There has been a lot of talking about snow in the last few weeks but it never actually snowed until today.
I was not thrilled about it, I stopped getting thrilled about snow ever since I left school , because by then I wanted any miracle to take place in order to skip the day at school.

Today it started snowing while we were in the Oud class. The administrator of students clubs asked our teacher to stop the class and dismiss us, so he asked us: do you want me to dismiss you? and we were like: Nooooo , we want to go on.

People started leaving and there was no body left but the students of Arts club.
Our class was just amazing and some little snow was not a valid reason for us to miss on it.

When our class ended I went out to wait for my parents and I stopped by the Library waiting , gazing into the horizon and listening to Majida Eroumy singing akhraj men matafihi el jareeda.

I was simply happy. Maybe the happiest.
My teacher passed while I was waiting , he did not see me , but I saw him , his forehead and eyebrows garnished with snow and his Oud leaning in his shoulder like a new born baby. He is such a delight.

My parents came later , we had some trouble with the car , but we made it home and ther eI stayed with my Oud being the happiest person in the world.










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هنالك لحظات لشدة كمالها تبدو مستديرة ، تصعد تلقائياً إلى رف الذكريات العالي .. لا يصلها النسيان و لا الغبار و لا يغادرها الأدرينالين.

على كل حال طلعلي هالجريدة من هالمعطف ... فريت مرارتي

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

First Class of Oud :D


Today I had my First Oud Class.

The thought that this is my Third first class got on to me for a while but as I walked to class I felt that huge huge feeling that music gives me.

It is not something that I can actually explain with words , but as our teacher made us repeat a very simple silly-appearing exercise I felt that this is the secret of discipline. A thing that I never actually lived nor experienced , maybe a thing that I intentionally skipped in order to be free. But as I repeated the exercise started feeling the cords as they move strongly under the pick and they sound differently. It just huge ,,, It makes me happy and makes me feel eternal.

Our teacher played for a little while, maybe a minute, and I could not look at him ,,, My neck just went to the other side and I disconnected for a second. The sound of Oud live is a drug , it suffocates me!

I really went home suffocated with all the things I never actually cried ...The sound of music is so deep and thick , it pressures something in me and therefore it makes me a better person.

I am happy.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Novel Test: Finally!! The divine Justice!!!





If you know any teenager , between the age of 12 and 16 get them Paulo Coelho's ''Alchemist'' as a gift and make sure they read it. After a number of years -that may vary from a teenager to the other- they will thank you for giving them the chance to see a true and thorough meaning in all things that have happened to them in life.
Alchemist in not a novel ,,, Its a Perspective.

Toto San ♥


Now I dont care what my mark will be , but i feel great , I feel relieved that after all those years of being academically harassed by signatures that I dont know what they want from me , neither what I want from them , this class has shown me that justice is possible in this world. That a nerd like me who has spent the best years of her childhood reading , can go to an exam feeling like a Boss!! This is my thing , this is what I excel at , and am so proud of what I have read for this test and the way my reading was tested ,,,, Ohhhh I am happy :)))

That girl of 2009 is back! So Back!!


Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God ....
It has came back to me!! that great huge , urge , need , longing and willing to go back to Spain , it has came back to me.
When I came back the last time I was tired , maybe devastated and I thought I will need loads of time to be able to be on my own again in a big big country again. But its back! The feeling that I wanna leave on the first plane without looking back ,,, and just go there , learn More Spanish , Loads of language and knowledge , go to new cities , and fight with atheists over religion.

I can do it , I wanna do it , I wanna go back.

That girl whom I was on 2009 , who did not look back , did not miss a face and did not waste a moment in Spain , she is back! She is me ,,,, God I wanna graduate and do whatever it takes to leave again ,,, Am thinking Toledo? Barcelona? Maybe Malaga ,,, who knows ,,,, Godddddd i am back



Monday, January 9, 2012

Mai Malkawi: Stating the Obvious




I love how she simply and politely puts it.
Thanks God that Mai Malkawi has stated the obvious.

Friday, January 6, 2012

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My entire life , I have hid a novel under the book that I am allegedly studying. Today , that I have a novel exam I enjoyed every novel and studied with my room's door unlocked.

Ps: I am the happiest person alive :he3:

Monday, January 2, 2012

The Day we Lost Granada


Although I stopped seeing our culture in Spain as I used to , but a day like today just makes mourn silently inside my own soul.

Granada was ours ,,,, and there is no bigger loss in the entire world.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year is Lame!

So I intentionally pick a year every once in a while , in which I dont wish to celebrate the "New Year" , its so lame!! Facebook is impossible with all those people going nn stop about the new year! Buzz off