Tara Lynn is Fluffy Too , she Stands for me ...

An article I received on Facebook ... It stands for me:

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)

You are Nobody

Years ago , I would have opposed the discourse of this song. I would have opposed the mere idea of considering one's self anything based on what others consider him/her. But now , actually today I feel so deeply deeply deeply ''nobody''.

I happen to be a smart funny interesting person , but apparently it is not enough.

This is how those things work,,,,They happen , you cant make them ,,,so no skills nor powers are useful , its just a turn on fate's line , and it did turn my way.

It just did not :)

You Dont Know My Name

Will you ever know? This is a good question indeed

But for Now : It feels so Oooooo Ooooooo

At whatever Age: A Balloon always makes you happy

Today Orange were distributing balloons for their new campaign ,,, The street was all Orange and everyone were happy with their balloons. I took one , and gave it to Sara ,,,, It was weird in Gardens street though.

One Fine Day

Today I had what we can call ''One Fine Day'' . It was so simple yet so surprising.

This year I was prepared to be BORED to death. Everyone said so , and I thought so as my friends have graduated and nobody my age is left but Mays , and Ala who happens to work in the university.

But suddenly those friends to whom I only used to say ''Hi/Bye'' to , come to the spot of light and astonish me with the great potential of ''humanity'' they have in them!! Maybe I did not see that before , maybe I was so absorbed into my own ''group'' that I did not give others a chance!

I had my morning cofe -my for ever LONELY activity- with Sasha ,,, we had a great conversation , she is sooo smart and pure ,,, I never knew that!! Then came Mays and Fatimah , and I wanted to eat breakfast in JUs Tables Restaurant -this is how we call it- but we got there late , so Fatima was like: Why not go to the 3amade Cafeteria? and I was like: Does 3amade even have a Cafeteria? ,,,, 5 years in Ju and I did not know that -not even thought about eating somewhere else!- .

We went to the 3amade and met some cute friends of Fatima's ,,, they are all writers -you could actually hear people reciting poetry in the background while eating in the cafeteria- painters , musicians or actors. (I am gonna write SOMETHING , one big thing about why and how I isolated myself from anything culture related and ended up blogging and writing diaries , this is an important topic) ... The ambient was good!! Surprisingly.

Then Fatimah took us to the Painting Hall to show us her paintings.

When we entered -Mays and I- we remembered when we were freshmen and came to the same place to learn to draw!! (How arrogant , or Dreamy was that!!) ... We hung around there for like 3 months and then we stopped going. Being back there brought me back to those days , when I used to draw and listen to Yazan Erousan and gaze infinitely in the existence!! How Pure was my soul by then!!

Even the Hall's director remembered us , she said: you were here 3 years ago! She told us we can come anytime and pick up from where we left ,,,, (Am so coming back!!!)

Look at our pictures :))))

Fatimah with her paintings

Mays is just a Beauty!!! Mashalla !!!

Afterwards we went to a Linguistics Symposium in Language Centre and there we assisted a lecture about translation , that was presented by Dr Luis Miguel Canada who is the Director of ''La Escuela de Traductores de Toledo'' ... A very very prestigious and fine school related to La Universidad de Castilla La Mancha which has a good program for translators between Arabic and Spanish.

The lecture was just great , ad the ambient was soooooooo SMART ,,,, there were 4 -not 1 not not 2 not 3 but 4 - interpretation booths as they were translating the symposium to English , Arabic , Spanish , German and French.

I was so proud of my faculty ,,, It was so amazingly special!!! Dr Hussien presented a paper about the translation of the word ''Sheikh'' in Arabic English and Spanish. You know those little mind notes you put aside while reading a translation? Those are the things that make a very great paper on translation!!!

Afterwards I talked to Dr Hussein on the stairs of Language Centre and I showed him some of my questions on the interpretations. He asked me about the conference - the one in Prince Hamza Hospital- and I told him: Everybody was thrilled about my translation, but I was not satisfied. So he said: Hija mia, en el trabajo de un traductor nunca se llega a la satisfaccion , siempre hay algo mejor. (Oh daughter, in a translators work , you will never reach satisfaction , there is always something better) .

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Afterwards Mays and I went to have a cup of coffee in the Milk Bar , and as I was sitting on the pavement I saw Rose. Rose is an old school friend whom I have been trying to meet for the last two months but never really got to fix a date. I ran to her and we went on yelling , jumping , hugging and talking for very nice 15 minutes ,,,, I love this picture ,,, I dont look good but I look happy as I used to be when I was a child ,,, I am blessed to have the friends I have,,,

Actually today as I was wandering around with Mays I told her: We were deprived one ENTIRE JU YEAR ,,, I know that we were in Spain , but our Jordanian University experience is one years shorter than everybody else's , and that we are now getting a new chance to retrieve everything we missed.

I am so blessed ,,, blessed to the deepest point of my Existence ,,, Alhamdullilah

Adele is Fluffy!!!

I have never seen a picture of Adele although I have been a big fan of her great voice and perfect choice of words.

I never thought that the world of ''celebrities'' would welcome a girl my size in it. I know hiw this might sound , but anyway am happy , happy that a fluffy person gets a chance in this anorexic world.

I feel so represented and proud,,,, I love you Adele

A Quote from My Show: Grey's Anatomy

Although I loathe and detest both of them Derek and Meredith for their dull and unconvincing love story , but I loved this quote , he said this to her when she asked him why he did not sign his divorce papers to terminate his marriage with Addison:

I was married for eleven years , Adison is my family, that is 11 thanksgivings , 11 birthdays and 11 Christmases and in one day I am supposed to sign one piece of paper and end my family .. A person does not do that not without a little hesitation ... I am entitled to a little uncertainty here , just a moment to understand the magnitude of what it means to cut somebody out of my life, I am entitled to at least one moment of painful doubt and a little understanding from you would be nice.

The Sky Today ...My heart now

Today I went to see Sara in Gardens Street and then came back in Taxi. It was so crowded and so I asked the driver to drop me infront of the University's Hospital gate , thinking that I will walk from there to my class on the northern gate. (Silly me!! O

f course I would not do that , especially not in 30 minutes!!)

I bought a cup of coffee from a very very angry couple in the Hospitals Kiosk (That was loads of fun to watch!!! This is what I love about the Hospital's zone - althouhgt this might sound so selfish but! - there you get to watch life in its true course.

I sat there , looking at the hazy sky , on the stairs that remind me of an old story ...I sat there thinking.

Maybe it was 1991 or 1992 , by then I was so little , I did not even go to school yet , my uncle Wael was sick and was admitted to JU's hospital ,,, I was visiting , maybe because I was so little they did not let me in -cant actually remember- and I just looked at the stairs and the busy people , then there was a couple of doctors , a guy and a girl , they came down the stairs looking at each other and smiling dearly ,,,, exactly when they crossed from infront of me the air blew and their white -white white white- lab-coats flew and I felt that they can fly.

This is a very very far image from the depth of my hazy memory ,,, but I remember it as if it was yesterday , in times when I thought that love was simple and reachable....

If anybody has told that child that many many moons later she would be standing here alone and distant, she would not have believed.

But in spite of everything -and here am not mentioning any of those things- I feel that there is sun behind all that sand. I believe Strongly ,,, I believe

Erasmus Once Erasmus Forever

A french friend of mine , whom I met in Granada posted this video today.

It made me laugh a little , remember things and sigh. I dont suffer nostalgy or the usual Pos-Erasmus Trauma ... I just dont.

I feel represented by a part of this Erasmus culture but am not that entirely. I am an Hispanista ... my story with Spain has many many pages , and those two scholarships were nothing more than a preface. I still have a lot to do ,, a lot of travelling , a lot of hunger and insomnia on the uncomfortable beds, but I have a Legend to fulfil and I will enshalla.

How Dare You!!!

Today I went to JU's Clinic because I was feeling unwell for the last three weeks.

I usually tend to hate going to see doctors. I get so confused , a bit defensive , and the smell ,,, Oh The smell kills my nerves. But I was getting dizzy so I felt like I have to go. You know, because now I go to classes with people that I dont know , If anything happens to me , its gonna be extra humiliating to fall in front of a bunch of strangers lol!!

The doctor who saw me was nice, but he said something after he saw my urine analysis -yet another humiliating moment- that pissed me off. He said that its an alleged pain!! and thats nothing is going on with me ,,, he said to me and I quote: Are you under any type of pressure? Do you have problems? You need to Relax , go to Aqaba , spend a few days then come back!!

I cant believe that this was said to ME !! ME!! I manufacture and export happiness and relaxation !!!

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Is it possible that I am that worried?!!!

Out in the Open

This is a picture of me smoking in Madrid a week after the Spanish national smoking ban in all bars and restaurants. I never published this picture , although I loved it and it was a very funny moment , when I was trying to look like am inside while I am outside. I never published it anywhere because my family did not know that I smoke.

I have smoked for the last 7 years. I am not a heavy smoker, neither do I d like those who smoke a lot. For me smoking is a pleasure that I practice a couple of times a week.

Today my parents found out about it. They were too astonished with the mere thought that ''their little angel'' smokes. They were mad , even furious but I was happy.

I hate all things that are hidden, I just hate them. For the last 7 years I reached the point where I stopped thinking about ''my smoking'' ... It was my morning ritual that I dont share not even with my best friends and there is no need to accompany such moment with explanations to anybody. But It just annoyed me , that am a 22 years old girl and that I still have hidden files.

Today I am happy ,,, I came clean ,,, They dont accept me by the way , but this is who I am , whether they like it or not.

My Heart right now

I feel that my own Anatomy has betrayed me ,,,

My own heart beat tricked me ,,,

My Adrenaline went pouring over nothing ,,,

But I can also say , that there is some light at the end of the tunnel...

I dont know where did I see that , but sometimes hope obliges the existence,, Obliges the sequence of actions to bring something our way ,,,

I have always thought about this prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference

And now I think: Maybe I cant change anything about it , but I am still eager to take my chances. It might not be wise , neither will it grant serenity to my heart but I cant just let all that slip away from my hands.

God ,,,, Give me courage to keep going on this un-wise , un-serene track ,,, God ,, God ,,God ,, Listen to me ,,,Hold my heart ,,, You know better than anybody how tormented I am and how much I need your hand to guide me ,,, God God God ,,,,

If I Wanna Dance on a Pole Am not Asking for Anybodys Permession

See this article:

http://www.almadenahnews.com/newss/news.php?c=519&id=106655

So what if a woman wants to learn to dance on a pole? What If I wanna learn to do anything?

Who are you to tell me what should I and what should not I do?!!!

I hate this ranting and yelling tune , but such articles and discussions drive me nuts. So a muslim woman in England decides to dance on a pole and then publishes a picture of her earing Niqab next to the pole and to her trainer. And people start ranting about it , and they go with the usual ''insulting Islam" tape!!!

Now , What I think about it:

The lady should not have published such a picture. It is not that I am saying it Haram or wrong, I just say its inappropriate. With all the connotations related to pole dancing it would be so confusing for everybody to see the picture of a girl with Niqab next to one.

And for heavens sake: If you are so open minded -and am really happy for you- to learn such a fine type of art -according to me- how come you forget the opinion of your entire culture about it? Why would you think that everybody sees the same way as you did? How did you forget how people tend to be in such topics , and why -On Gods Name- do you care to show them what you have learned?

About those who ranted and got all worked up with the news , Specially that ''fine'' lady that said: A true muslim women would not accept it to herself to learn such a type of dancing. For that woman among all I say: Shut the Hell Up!!!

Stop asking all muslim women to be a copy of each other!! Who ever said that we are supposed to be alike? To like the same things , do the same things and treat our men and family through the same exact steps?

Not all women who wear Hijab are alike , they dont wear it the same way , nor do they wear it for the same motives. If a Muslim woman learns to dance whatever type of dance and performs it based on Gods regulation and Shariaa (Not infront of men with whom she is not related ,and without being dressed provocatively) then its a skill that she has , a pleasure that she experiences ,,,,and guess what: an extra point for her that makes her better from you , YOU bitter sad helpless woman who blames her lack of confidence on Islam.

See this video ,,, tell me that this is not art , and that a woman who dances like Shakira is just as appealing to her husband as a woman who does not!

ka ma8ha sa3éer ho el 7obb

كمقهى صغير هو الحب

محمود درويش - فلسطين

كمقهى صغير علي شارع الغرباء
هو الحبّ... يفتح أَبوابه للجميع.
كمقهى يزيد وينقص وَفْق المناخ
إذا هَطَلَ المطر ازداد روَّاده،
وإذا اعتدل الجوّ قَلّوا ومَلّوا...

أَنا هاهنا يا غريبة في الركن أجلس
ما لون عينيكِ؟ ما اَسمك؟
كيف أناديك حين تمرِّين بي ،
وأَنا جالس في انتظاركِ ؟

كمقهى صغيرٌ هو الحبّ.
أَطلب فنجانيّ قهوة
وأَشرب قهوتي وقهوتك.
أحمل قبَّعتين وشمسيَّة.
إنها تمطر الآن.

تمطر أكثر من أيِّ يوم،
ولا تدخلينَ
أَقول لنفسي أَخيرا:
لعلَّ التي كنت انتظر
انتظَرتْني... أَو انتظرتْ رجلا آخر
انتظرتنا ولم تتعرف عليه اوعليَّ،
وكانت تقول: أَنا هاهنا في انتظاركَ.

ما لون عينيكَ؟ أَيَّ عطرٍ تحبّ؟
وما اَسمكَ؟
كيف أناديكَ حين تمر امامي

كمقهى صغير ... هو الحب

A page from my paper Diary

صباح الخير يا أنا ...

ما أغرب هذا الصباح، كنت أودّ أن أقول أن "الوحدة تمتدّ شاسعة حولي" و لكن الأمر ليس هكذا.

إنني و بعد كل هذه السنين من الغوص في الكتب و الروايات و الملاحم و المعاجم أجدني عاجزة عن إيجاد كلمة تصف غرابة هذا الصباح.

ما أغرب هذا الصباح ...

حتى القهوة بلا طعم ، و ضجة الناس في كافتيريا المستشفى تخترقني كما لو كنت ورقة... حتى ذلك الطبيب الصغير الذي كان يتنفس فوق كتفي بفضول في طابور القهوة بدا لي مُحزِناً و بائساً.

في النهاية ما هو الفضول؟

هو شهوة كشف الحجاب عن الأنصاف المحجوبة من كل القصص.

هذه الشهوة التي تدوخني ...الشهوة التي قادتني طوال سنين حياتي...الشهوة التي حددت نيابة عني كل المقاعد التي جلست عليها في المقاهي و المطاعم و الحافلات و الأعراس و المحاضرات ، الكرسي الأقرب إلى ما يثير فضولي...

لكن بالأمس أصابني فضولي في مقتل. كان نهاري طويلا جدا، و كان النعاس يهدهد دماغي داخل جمجمتي.

جلست أمام عمارة خليفة أشرب علبة ميراندا أراقب سيل السيارات و زحمة المساء. ربما استمعت إلى أغنية

Jueves

قرابة العشر مرات.

كنت أشعر بالتعب ... شيء يفوق حدود الجسد. حتى أشجار الجامعة الأردنية كانت تتنهد نيابة عني.. كل عمان كانت تتوهج أمام عيني كاللقطة الأخيرة من فيلم يتوهج قبل أن تسودّ الشاشة.

كنت أحس بشعور واحد فقط واضح المعالم هو الدهشة.

ما الذي يجري تحديداً؟ أيعقل أنني لم أكن أحس بشيء، أم أنها مرة أخرى تلك المشاعر التي لا اسم لها؟ ...

فكّرت حينها بأن إعاقتي النفسية لم تسمح لي على مرّ السنين أن أشعر بشيء غير الدهشة، و أن كل المشاعر الأخرى هي مجرّد محاكاة لما يصفه الناس، أو لشيء عرطه علينا الكذاب الكبير كاظم الساهر، أو لشيء وصفه العرّاط الأكبر جابرييل جارسيا ماركيز...

لا أذكر أن شيئاً نبع فعلاً من أعماق ذاتي دون أن يخرج مشيّعاً بموكب علامات الاستفهام.

لحظة يقين واحدة .. لحظة يقين واحدة تكفيني لأموت هانئة.

لا أعرف لماذا وجدت السلوى في الأغنية .. ظللت أعيدها و أكررها و أفكر بدهشة الأطفال التي كانت تغرق كلّ خلاياي عندما يقترب المترو من الرصيف محمّلاً بكل احتماليات القدر ذاك!!

مدريد ...يا مدريد ... خذيني

شيء بداخلي قد مات ... شيءٌ بداخلي قد مات.. شيء لوى عنقه بالأمس بداخلي و سقط. سقط في اللحظة التي كنت أقف فيها أمام طلابي على وشك أن أبدأ حصتي.

شعرت بالرغبة في أن أقول العبارة التي عاهدت نفسي أن أقولها لطلبتي مطلقاً... شعرت بالرغبة في ان أقول: ''شباب، اليوم مش قادرة أعطي ،خلوها ليوم ثاني ''

المعلمة أمّ و الأمّ لا تعطّل و لا تستقيل و لا تتقاعد.

و هكذا أكملت كلامي...

كنت أفكّر بالدكتور أحمد نوفل عندما قال: ''التعليم يعدل مزاجي'' "أنا عندما أتعب أتعافى أمام طلابي" .... كانت حصة عادية .. فاتنة، كما هو التعليم دوماً... و لكنني شعرت بالأسف مبكراً قليلاً عما ينبغي..

أنا أرى وجوه طلبتي كما لو كانوا زهور كاميليا تطفو على مياه نهر ... متحفزّون ، تهزهم يد الشغف ، جميلون و أنقياء ... هكذا أراهم دائماً.

و لكن التعب يومها أخذ مني فرحي بهم، و شعرت أن مياه النهر تجري أسرع بكثير مني ، و أنني -كما كنت دائماً- سأبقى مع كتبي على جانب النهر لوحدي.

أهذا ما يشعر به مربّو الأجيال؟ أيشعرون بوحشة الكون هذه؟

معتصم كان تعيساً و مبعثراً ، و عماد كان يشعّ بنور الطبيب الإنسان الذي يزين حاجبيه دائماً ، و خالد في زاويته جالساً على طرف مقعده كما لو أنه لا يريد أن يزعج العالم ، شأنه في ذلك شأن كل الأطفال الذين تربوا بين حضارتين، و طارق ينقَّل ضحكته المشاكسة بين غمازتيه و تلك العقدة الطريفة بين حاجبيه.

و أنا؟ أين كنت انا؟

كنت منطفئة إلى أبعد نقطة في تكويني.

هل سيأتي يوم أستطيع فيه أن أروي القصة كاملة، دون أن أقتطع أي شيء من الحقيقة؟

يا رب أريد الحق ... كل الحق ... و لا شيء سوى الحق...

يا عالماً بحالي

عن يوم الثلاثاء

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تقوى

Back to Square one?

Today I came back running from work to get to my English Novel Class. I love this class -although it was our first class today- but I adore this teacher Miss Inas Ababneh ,,, I tend to call her inside my head Miss Perfect :)))

I love how she analyses literature, how she goes through the text line by line giving it new life. She is not the traditional literature passionate emotional teacher , she is more of a ''geisha doll'' with very few facial expressions , still she is one of the most expressive people I have ever met. She gets to put a lot of meaning in so little words ,,, She IS perfect.

After class when I went out and looked at the university I felt the huge gap between me and everything,,, I AM the eldest of all!! And all of this people around me are just kids that most probably would never ever enter my circle ,,, I felt as if the university world is their's and am just an intruder ,, I felt as I dont belong , and I felt as lost as when I was a sanfoora 4 years ago!!

In some way , I feel so minority like , so vulnerable and I feel like am back in Square One!!

I am the interpreter: I rule :)

For the last three days I have been working in Prince Hamza Hospital as an interpreter of a workshop presented by a Spanish nurse to a class of Jordanian nurses. The course was more of an Administrational course than a sanitary one , this is what made it easier to interpret.

I need not go through all the details of the three days but It was a big experience , not only on my linguistic level but also on my sense of ''I am able to do anything as long as I decide so''.

Words used to scare me as they came out of the lecturer's mouth , but as I searched gently inside my head I always managed to find the translation. I have worked hard throughout the last 4 years of my life , and this is my reward. I was able to interpret three days in a row without a pause , tuning my voice with the lecturer's voice tune , pausing as she pauses , and laughing as she laughs or cracks jokes.

I know I still have a lot a head of me to learn. This experience made me aware of many fields that I need to study their vocabulary , but for now I feel satisfied and eager to learn more ,,, to go ahead and follow my own ''personal miracle''.

A Real Beautiful Woman

Today one of my students sent me this song. I loved it a lottttttttt!! I felt like I have known it even before learning Spanish ,,,but most of all I loved the girl in the clip. Seeing a mother who is also a fighter is so primitive and savagely beautiful.

Una Cuenta Retrasada de todo El Llanto que he perdido

Hoy me fui al Balad con los estadounidenses del CIEE. Hicimos cometas de papel y las hicimos volar en el Qala. (Citadel)

Me sentí mas feliz de cuando era niña ...

Estaba feliz del todo y con ganas verdaderas de volar y llorar.

Llorar eternamente por todas las cosas que no había llorado antes

Llorar por todas las canciones tristes que había oído , por el llanto de todas las canciones flamencas del Albayzín

Por todas las novias de boda al salir de las casas de sus padres

Por todos los momentos de partir ...

Por Todas las caras ausentes

Por todos los amigos que se han ido

y por todos los amigos que se irán

y por aquellos amigos que aún no he conocido

Pero más que todo me encuentro con ganas eternas de llorar por lo enamorada que estoy

Me encuentro con el corazón hecho de papel

Dispuesto a rasgarse por un solo suspiro

Dispuesto a quemarse por una sola llama de nostalgia

Mi corazón de papel vuela ..

Vuela tanto como mi cometa...

recorre el cielo de mi ciudad y se va engrandeciendo

Lo cobre todo y luego tu ausencia lo desmorona como se fuera hecho de espuma

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Una niña soy. Una niña que esta de pie ante su ciudad, con una cometa colorada en la mano , un sueño en la mente , un suspiro en el pecho , un amor pseudo- imposible en el corazón y un solo nombre entre los labios.

Bajo este cielo todo es posible. ¿crees?

Takwa

17 de Septiembre de 2011

I am Tired

I wanna be that little girl again ,,,, I wanna feel -again- that this world belongs to me ...

More: I wanna feel that am not the eternal alien.