It was a little incident, it lasted for how much? 30 seconds? But it made me consider fleeing my life and my home. The idea of fleeing has not crossed my mind for a long long time now, but today as I entered the backstage of my university's theatre , it came back strongly and insistingly.
After I spent the evening practising Oud with a friend called Fares, a guy from the university's choir called Yeyha asked me if he can borrow my Oud. I gave it to him and we agreed that I will be back in half an hour to take it. But when I came back all choir students where gone and I freaked out a little until Nusiabah found them practising in the theatre.
The theatre's curtain was drown and it was hot between the backstage and the curtains velvet , but they were playing all the instruments and singing under a yellow light. It was a Haiku moment! It was poetry.
I know that if anyone of the choir people get to read this , they would laugh. It is something they do everyday , its hot and sticky and it requires a lot of effort and practice. But ,,,, I felt so sad and left out. I have loved theatre my entire life. I have loved the darkness backstage and the alluring light when the curtains that separate the audience from the performers is moved away. This is what I wanted to do , what I wanted to have as a fixed part of my existence.
I know how this sounds (I know how this post looks) ... I love my life and the things that I do, but the character that God granted for me is not the character of a shy translator who works in the shadows of writers and languages. I love Adrenaline and I enjoy challenge and the mini heart attacks that come before and after astonishing events.
Performance was supposed to be my thing, but what happened actually? I was so shy that I popped my head inside their recital , even though I had every right to go in and get back my Oud!
Lately, many things have changed. I have came out of my intellectual closet.
I attended a class -and it ruined my superficial peace with life- and the teacher got me to show her what I write. For the first time in years I fed on compliments and I accepted feedback. A thing that I have not done since high school. And now that I am out, discussing my thoughts ,defending my ideas and exhibiting my beliefs I got back the feeling in some numb parts of my existence.
Also lately , I left my old Oud ''instructor'' and I started taking lessons with a different Teacher. My new teacher is a dedicated musician. He studies music, works and lives on music. It is not a hobby or a thing on the side, it is The Thing of his life. And that also made me think: why did I decide that my Oud performance belongs only to me and to my family and friends? There is an entire world beyond those.
I know that things are not that easy, and I dont plan to be a star , but today , behind that curtain I was purely sad , and I felt that I have lived a life that is not mine just because I wanted to avoid some battles, with society , with my family and with myself above all.
I want to flee this life. I just need to -at least- say so in a place rather than my own head.