Monday, July 4, 2011

Noticing the things that has always been there

Today was weird. I went out to the university in an hour that I have never went out in. I have never went out to the university at 6,30 pm. I was the only one in the bus who wanted to get off in the university's gate.

It felt so weird, one more thing to be added to my weird feeling of being the last one of my friends in the university. I felt as if the whole world stopped going there.

The bus was full of men, there were only to women who were severely ugly , with a very untidy little girl wearing the most hideous dress ever that showed her diaper and fat legs. The baby was sleeping in the most disgusting way ever that it did not look nice and tender , as sleeping children normally appear.

In spite of that the entire passengers were looking at the two ugly women. I swear to God's name that I felt they were wolves , with there eyes glowing in the dark while they stared at the two women.

The Bus was no more friendly. The men were no more ''young men'' heading to class , they were a true picture of the society , that in that moment looked like its gonna sexually explode.

Later on I went to a work interview , then went to Adel for my evening coffee , drank it inside the university and looked at the world for a while.

Then took another bus home , and to my side there sat a girl who was literally throwing herself on the control! and he was more than happy to go along her ugly , disgusting and irritating bullshit just to listen to her speak (I dont know whats so interesting about slutty girls discourse , but who am I to tell such a major world secret).

When I passed by our neighborhoods super market Ammu Abu Ramzi's shop , all the men were sitting infront of the barber shop on chairs and staring at the street. For a moment I felt like the whole world is their house and they are looking at me as if they were waiting for me to leave.

I feel sometimes - a lot of times- that the world belongs to the men and that we women , form some kind of an urgent situation that is going to end some day , and they are just waiting for us to go back to the kitchen so things will go back to normal.

When I went home , Mama asked me about the job interview and she asked me: How is the ambient there? Is it clean? and I raged at her. I was like:Stop asking me those questions , what do you think? I am gonna accept a job in a place that did not feel right? do you think am that dumb? Stop asking me these questions. And she was like: am your mother , I must ask , I have the right to ask.

I said: Mama , I dont want to live this way ,,, I dont. I went to my room and started crying!!! I went in a very very long monologue telling my self stuff like: I want a better world, I want -only want- that one my daughter will be able to walk down the street and feel that she is a person , a person who can smile and be smiled at .I want to be able to believe a man who says to me "I love you" ,,, I want to have friends of both genders and not feel tricked into the big trap of men.

I want to be me and still be free. I dont want to tolerate any part of my existence for those wolves , its my world too ... I know how pity I sound , but I just wish to feel once more the thing that I once felt in Spain regarding my Hijab. There I felt that I only wear Hijab just because God asked me to. Here I feel that if I dont wear it then those dogs will find pleasure in my meat.


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