Wednesday, August 15, 2012

My Life is not Mine

A friend once said to me that women live their lives based on a postponed decision. Now I realize that he was not being dramatic and what he is said applies 100% percent to the reality.

Always, in the back of my mind, I know that this is how things are going in the world, it makes me sad at times, but most of the time I try to no focus on it and just get busy with work. But as I am living one of the most boring and life sucking eras of my life it becomes more obvious.

I was just browsing Facebook and I came across a group called "If you love Egypt support it by visiting it" and as I looked at the pictures I saw this picture of Al Azhar. I thought it was a great picture of a place that I have heard much about but never actually got to wonder what does it look like. I thought that I love Egypt and I would like to support it but this is a discourse that is not for me. It is for those who own their lives and their decisions , those who say: "Oh, I would like to see the inside of Al-Azhar" so they just start packing and they go.

It is not because I dont have money , or because I am young (I am not anymore) but it is because I am a woman. I have to ask for permissions for everything, life is never about what I "want'' to do , but it is about whether they will "let" me or not.

I grow old , but it's in vain, because each time I think that I can take hold of my decisions I get a huge bold  hit of reality that I am just a part of someone else's decision (Whether it is my father my brother , or that man that I am gonna end up with).

They dont see it this way at all ,,, they are not conscious of the feeling of disability that takes over my soul just because I can long to things but I cant get them. I know that the solution of rebelling is always present, but I was hoping for a simpler life with the least amount of negative feelings ,,, without yelling at anybody, without having to point out the rotten ideas that people have in their minds while sounding like a smug!

I want simple things ,, nice things ,,, I am not offending anybody , why does my little needs sound so offending to the poeple who are supposed to love me most?

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