Misplaced

My sister in law is pregnant , she might deliver anytime now ...

I am happy , not the happiness that people expect as I dont get SO thrilled about babies , but I am happy for my family and all that stuff.

There is a bald possibility that the girl -its a girl- will be born in my birthday Tenth of August.

I cant help being upset , mad ,, even SAD!!!

I know this is not the best time in my life to be feeling things , because this whole leaving for a year thing is making me sensitive, but I know for SURE that this is so bad ...

I am not acting childish as my mom insists , I have felt left out a lot since i came back. I felt that my place has been taken many times , I felt that my life is a sub-story to the story of my family. I love them and their life style is mine , but them converting from a family house to a grandparents house has coasted me a lot of time and understanding. It took me a lot to accept that they have only 4 chairs on the food table and the additional chair is MINE!!

But now , I cant accept that somebody ANYBODY would come join me in my day , my party , my cake , the memory of me coming to this world and the happiness that my father experienced each and every year remembering that I was born in a day like this one.

I can share anything , but not the symbolic day of the love of my Father.

Anyway ... this is Gods choice to make , but I cant deny that I am mad , and in a way: I am willing to leave , I want to be truly far not ''feeling'' far.