My Friend

I dont know what shall I write about him. It is just that I have not physically seen him in two years and I did not miss him, now that I saw him and he left again I feel somehow lost inside my own chest. Now I know that I will miss him again and his presence through writing wont seem enough.

Ever since I came back from out short re-encounter I have been thinking: why is it that those who are most significant are the ones who are supposed to leave us behind?

We passed infront of our old office and we sighed. I want those days back, when we could be together everyday Physically and we had the chance to talk until the words evaporate into deep yet comfortable silence.

I have missed Najeeb so much, that I cant believe that a socially retarded person as myself actually has a true friend like this one. 

A Dream Coming True

It is late at night , I am tired and vaguely sad but I feel the urge to write.

Today Rasha and Noor Finally got engaged. Rasha was my room-mate in Spain and ever since she has been more than a friend to me, she is some kind of a dear dear sister.

I have known her since I was in my freshman year, and shortly after that Noor came along and he stayed ever since. We - the shelle- saw their love as it came to existence and as it flourished. We have been there all the way, we saw the little fights and we have witnessed the long way that they have crossed to meet in the middle.

A love story that had two responsible parties , who were aware of who they are and of their circumstances... a couple who waited for the right moment to come and when it came it was just perfect.

When I came back home from the engagement party my parents asked me why do I look sad. And as I sat down and thought to myself, I found out that I was going through severe agony ... I cant be that happy, it just troubles me and confuses me.

I am used to being jovial and to experiencing a normal dosage of happiness, but today as I heard the Sheikh recite the vows I had an intense amount of happiness that pressured my heart. I could not believe that after almost 5 years we got to that moment.

It is a ''moment''! A mere "yes" "I do" "I accept you" ... It's a second , yet it has justified all that waiting.

Seeing them all colourful and happy , and seeing the look in Noor's eyes as Rasha danced, my heart melted ,,, So this is how it feels when a dream comes true?

Mediocre People: Get a life please

I am officially sick of those people popping up everywhere in life. I put up with them in school , in university and now as I applied to the Media master program ,they insist on showing up there too!

I have been through a really long exam , 6 exams in 5 hours to be more accurate, questions that had a lot to do with the "freaking knowledge" that you have acquired  throughout your entire freaking life. (not something that anyone with mediocre knowledge would simply be able to answer)

Today I got a call that I have passed the written exam and they shall assign a date for my personal interview. I was flattered for a moment, I thought to myself: "120 people applied for the exam, many of them are actual journalists, and most of the others are way older than me, yet I was accepted which is great and means that in spite of my little age and little experience but I am good enough".

But that was taken away after a few hours when a girl that I know called. She was the only person whom I knew in the exam day, I have known her for a while in the university , and she is just "one of those girls" who go to university to get a diploma so they can get a good husband. She is simple, the type that never sticks in the memory, nowhere near smart - ok , nowhere is a harsh word, maybe dull? - and she got accepted too!!

Each time I think that those unmotivated people are gonna disappear from my track they just appear again.
It is nothing personal, but they have always been the stick in the wheel of everything. If you dont like Spanish why study it? If you dont like reading an extra book why wine about it? If you dont like thinking one extra thought than your daily basic needs why bother make conversations with people? Just go to a dark corner in the world and stay there. And most things in life are that unprofessional that those people still get through and keep ruining it for the ones who care.

Not Fair at all!

Yesternight I had a Dream

I was the weirdest dream (or maybe all dreams are weird?)

There is a teacher that I only met a couple of times. Lets just say that he has an amazing character (and lets leave it there) and in my dream he showed up , I was sitting in a bench and he came and sat next to me.

He spread one arm on my shoulder until his palm squeezed my elbow in the opposite side. Although I was dreaming but I could physically feel his palm and the heat that his body sent out towards mine.

We did not say anything, it was like I expected him and I knew he was coming , so when he came I did not rise or say anything , maybe I just nodded , and then he sat next to me and we shared the best silence anyone can ever dream of.

I dont know ,
Ever since I woke up I felt somehow frustrated. Human minds really work in mysterious ways.Why did I have this dream now? that intensely and about this specific person?

God , how much I long to having that significant silence,,I long 

Women in Heels

Atletas con zapatos de tacón | euronews, no comment

Watch this video of women racing in high heels in some race in Russia.

I am not gonna be all feminist-paranoid , but only the thought that women should wear something that hurts them and significantly misshapes their backbone to be considered beautiful and elegant ,,, it is a sad thought. 

Now What?

Today a girl I know who is as old as I am served me chocolate in celebration of three occasions: her graduation , her new job and her engagement.

Later while when I left and as I was staring outside the taxi window I thought to myself: no what? she has already accomplished all the things that we Jordanians long for, a diploma,  economical stability and a marriage. Now what? She still has -within average- 4o years to go, what is she going to do with them.

We were raised to think that this is what we want. This is ''safety'' and this is ''happiness".
But what do we do then? and what if - only what if- someone decides to seek happiness on different terms?

New Banner

They say: You wont know what you have until you lose it. I appreciated you all the way, and I did not believe in ''losing you" ... Nobody ever loses home. Yet I feel like I need you each and every moment because you are the first place ever that felt ''mine''. JU Love

Facebook Status

I think the problem with my brain's development is that Google Chrome can open as many tabs as I want, but my concentration would always follow the last tab only. 

I always get to wonder how I got to google something, most of the times I dont remember why, but I always feel in power because I CAN. 

Google Love ♥

When Friends Fall

I will try to write this entry with the least emotions possible. Just state what I believe and leave.


So , a friend of mine was telling me two weeks earlier that falling in love has no value nor respect in our society and that it is just practical and realistic to follow the social pattern, meet guys through the usual way -traditional marriages- and just get it over with because we are not gonna change the world.

Today I heard from a friend that she got engaged. She actually accepted a guy who just came to their living room and sat down telling them that he is looking for a bride ,, and Oh! what a coincidence they had one , and they are having a party to ''celebrate'' that on Friday.

I am not going anyway, because all my Fridays are in Irbed, but even if I could go I would not have gone because I dont like participating in social hypocrisy (when I have the choice of course). But what I am posting about is this: I accidentally saw a picture of me with this particular friend and I could feel it how I dropped her face from the picture! I stopped seeing her, and soon I will forget her name.

Now you wonder why? This is not anything too extremist , but it's something that the years have taught me. When friends fall for this social game, they are all thrilled the first two months (you know, they get to have a party and dress up, they have a groom who is also thrilled who takes care of her and gets her stuff) but after all this glamour is worn out , what do we get? a man and a woman stuck in a relationship that they have no idea why did it start and where is it going.

So we get a lot of drama.
Mostly girls feel alone and burdened with responsibility and soon they start running in the race of Husband/house/children and they get frustrated and they become a source of negative energy. That is: more drama.

So , and in spite of how selfish and mean this may sound, everyone has an enough load of drama in their life, so why bother about the drama of the lives of others, specially when they have come to this drama upon their own choice?!

The Moon Tonight

It does not happen to me often to be in the right place at the right time and with the zoom lens on, but it happened today , and after I dragged my camera bag along with me all day I was rewarded with this great view of the almost-full moon :))))

The New Track

Today I performed the placement test of JMI  (Jordan Media Institute) . The exam had 5 or 6 sections, General Information, Editing , Arabic , Computer Literacy and something weird about the ethics of journalism (how the hell would I ever know that If I were not a journalist already?) But all in all I did really great and I felt appreciated for the hard work I have done through out my entire life (you know , all the nerdness and the reading) , but -as always- I had to see the pathetic examples like a girl who saw me reading a book and she asked me: Is this for the exam? and I was like: This is a placement test, it tests your freaking LEVEL it does not have an ''included material". 

Those people always astonish with me their confidence. You know, this is ''Higher Education'' , it is Ok if you dont do a higher education program, yet they have the guts to come and apply and wish that there will be a material to be memorised just like school and BA! 

Now, how do I see the whole situation?
I dont like the place at all, it is literally at the end of the world, this is why it is close to Sara's house - I had lunch in her house afterwards- , the coffee is so bad! and it is so clean , just like Mecca Mall and all the freaky places of west Amman. I am not being final about the place nor the situation , but I am just saying that I am not excited yet and I am not in a rush.

The Re-encounter

Today we got to see Rachell again. Maybe it has been to years since we last saw her, and now she is in Jordan for a visit and we got to sit and talk with her for a bunch of beautiful hours. 

I love debating with her about the Palestinian Israeli issues.She has an amazing style in exhibiting her point of views, it is fun to be on the opposite side of a discussion with her, she teaches us something about the art of debate. 

Nice to see you again Rache :) 

A Great Amount of my Thoughts: Money!

It is not the "I wanna buy shoes and clothes money". But I recall reading a line in a novel many many years ago that got me to be always concerned about "being economically independent and relatively rich at some point of my life".

The line was in "Evaluna" my favourite novel of all times, and Ryad Halabi said to Evaluna: Quien paga manda. (The one who pays, rules).

I am not much of an economist or a business mind myself, I have antecedents of wasting money when I should have saved it , I tend to leave jobs that are not fulfilling on the personal and spiritual level and lets face it: I might never be rich as I intend to be , but at least I know that it's all about money and if I ever end up to be a low middle class person I would at least be happy with the jobs that I have taken ,,, Hopefully ;) 

A Page from my Paper Diary

أرملة مستجِدّة

الموت أصدق إنباءً من الحياة. مع ذلك فهو يبقى فكرةً مجردً شاسعة، مهما حاول الإنسان أن يستوعبها، و أن يقبض عليها من كل جوانبها، سيظلّ هنالك دائماً جانبٌ واحدٌ على الأقل منها متفلّتاً من عقال الإدراك. سيظلّ الموت مجرّداً مبهماً غائماً، حتى إذا وصلْتَ إلى وجوه الأرامل، وجدْتَ الموت مُجَسّداً متجلّياً لا شية فيه.

الأيتام يكبرون و يصنعون قدرهم الشخصي، و الأمهات الثكالى يتُهْنَ في تفاصيل الألم العظيم، أمّا الأرامل فيجدنَ الموت جالساً يلفّ ساقاً على ساق و يرمق كل شيء بعين السخرية.

كل الأشياء – منذئذ- تدعو إلى الأسف. النصف الفائض عن الحاجة في السرير، و الصحف الصباحية المطوية،و منافض السجائر المركونة، و الكنبة الموازية للتلفاز التي ما يزال اسفنجها مكوّراً في المكان الذي كان يجلس فيه الفقيد..كلها أشياء تدعو إلى الأسف.

ساعة يده، و قلمه، و الكوب الذي كان يضع فيه طقم أسنانه في المساء، و أثر بصْمَتِهِ على الريموت، مفكّاته و براغيه المعلّقة على الجدار، و اسمه الرباعي المطبوع بأناقة على أكياس الدواء ... و وجهه و صوته الذي يحدّ كل الأشياء من الشمال، و من الجنوب و الشرق و الغرب أيضاً .. أشياء تدعو إلى المزيد من الأسف.

جدّتي، ما تزال حديثة عهد بالترمّل...لم تتعلّم بعد كيف تمدُّ صوتها دون أن ينكسر بالبكاء، و لم تتفق مع نفسها على ما ستفعله بكل هذا الوقت الفائض عن الحاجة، و بالمساحة الشاسعة بين أرض و سقف البيت الكبير الفارغ.

حديثة عهد بالترمُّل ...لم تخرج بعد من تحت فيضان الأوراق، لكنها مع ذلك أرَتْنا دفتر عائلتها الجديد: لقد صارت جدّتي إلهة الأسرة، طالما أن ربّها قد ترجّل.

عودتها اليوم من البنك لتسوية شأن "راتب المرحوم" ذكّرتني بالمثل القائل: "موت و خراب ديار".

و كحكومة فائزةٍ بالثقة، أرَتنا راتبها الجدي: مئة و أحد عشر ديناراً بالتمام و الكمال. أرملة الأستاذ المربّي الفاضل الذي خرّج نصف رجالات لوائنا - أو يزيد- تستلم هذا الراتب البائس، وكأنها أرملة آذن المدرسة، و تقول مازحة في الهاتف: راتب التنمية أحسن.

اتّضح أن جدّي الذي خدم "الوطن" لقرابة الأربعين عاماً معلّماً، و مدير مدارس، و مدير مديريّات تربية .. أن هذا الرجل الذي فرى مرارته ليربّي و يعلّم، و الذي أثقل قلبه بهمّ العلم و المتعلمين، لم يكن عناؤه يساوي عند الحكومة جناح بعوضة ..جناحٌ ثمنه مئة و سبع و أربعةن ديناراً لا غير.

سامحه الله، لو أنه كان أمّيّاّ حاذقاً، لاستغل شعبيته و نجح في انتخابات ما، و  لأنعم على أرملته براتب تتعدد فيه الخانات و الأصفار.

قال لنا مرة: أحنا فلّاحين، لا ولاد عشيرة و لا تجّار، و لو ما قرينا كنا بعدنا و لا إشي. و كان يردّد بيت الشعر:

العلم يبني بيوتاً لا عماد لها     و الجهل يهدم بيت العزّ و الكرم

كان يردده بيقين، يبعث الآن على التبسّم. إنه لَمِنَ المسخرة أن نعيش هكذا و نموت هكذا. أن نشعر بالامتنان للإمارات التي بَنَتْ بيتنا و علّمت أولادنا و أنْبَتتْ لحم أكتافنا، و أن نشعر بلسان الوطن يمتدّ لنا بهذه الصلافة في الوقت الذي نرزح فيه تحت نير الفقد و الحنين.

أكتب هذا الكلام من على سطح بيت جدّي، و في الأفق تلوح مأذنة الجامع. الجامع جار المقبرة، حيث ينام هو الآن هادئاً مطمئنّاً بعيداً عن قرف الرواتب التقاعديّة، و لعّيبة القمار، و زبونات شانيل و ديور.

ينام مخدوعاً نوعاً ما، و لكنه في دار الحق، و نحن و أرملته و دنانيرها المئة و الأحد عشر في دار "الحدّ الأدنى للأجور".

مئة و أحد عشر، تنمو كالكشرة بين العينين و كثلاث علامات تعجّب على امتداد هذا الفقد و اليتم ... و الترمّل قبل كل شيء.

تقوى

17-6-2012

It has been a year!!

A lot of mixed feelings!!

Today I complete one year in Jordan after coming back from Granada. I miss Granada , I do miss Spain, but it is Granada that hurts!

I moss many things, being on my own and spending most of my times wandering in streets and not having much to do. And in spite of the against-all-odds-amazing year that I had in Jordan but I wish to be back soon.

It is so sad that I hate Granada's university and I dont long to study in it, but the city has nothing to do with that. I wish to be back for at least 10 days, I just want to wander around the streets and the bars again and talk to the old people on buses and pavements.

Those were some amazing days alhamdulillah ,,, in a day like today I just think about life. It goes by so quickly, it blurs my sight but takes my breath away as well.  

A League of Their Own: We Left the Kitchen

This is a good movie!

At the beginning I thought that it was one more american sport´s movie where the good guys will just ridiculously win at the end. But at it actually tells a very interesting story almost free of all the boring American-Movies-Sterotypes. (Not all good people win at the end, Not every girl who mingles with Tom Hanks ends up loving and marrying him).

It tells the story of a baseball league for women conducted by a business man who wants to keep the game alive until the men come back from war.

The movie displays the struggle that those women had to go through in order to gain the society's acceptance of what they are doing. The sacrifices as they had to receive the news of death of their husbands, how they had to take care of their families and to even raise a child who wandered with the team in their bus across the country.

But there were points that got me thinking. First: women in this league -and afterwards in the real life- continued to be perceived as sex objects. Men in the audience would always have the ability to forget about the game and just watch the skirts as they fly. And this is so sad! It fills my heart with sorrow that women are living in the prison of their own body and let it be whatever the thing that they are doing, men will always keep it as a background to the continuous sexual show that women signify to men!

And when Dottie's husband came back from the war she just resigned. She gave up her dream - or as Paulo Cuelho says ''her personal miracle'' - and she just went home to a mother and a wife fullstop.

The scene when she took the car while all the other players took the team's bus is so terribly sad. I just wish that I will never ever have to make a similar decision. 

Thirst to Knowledge

As I was searching for a picture I found this picture somewhere in the web with the fllowing text under it:

Thirst for Knowledge

Contained within a single dewdrop tear is a world of education. Mother nature dips her hands into the pool of learning, and as she opens them a mother is revealed bestowing the most precious of gifts to her child – knowledge. The young have a thirst for information which must be fed, and lessons that we learn in youth will map our route through life.

 
Nice :)

The Difference between Knowledge and Education

I have a long list of pending drafts. I have not posted anything since the beginning of May. It is not because I was studying but only because I did not feel like it. And although I hate posting a new post ahead of saved drafts but I am posting this beacuse I am mad and I would love to rant.

Today I had an exam, Spanish Literture till the 19th century exam. AS I went through the material I was completely happy ,,, really really happy , rolling in the pleasure of both: knowledge and Spanish.

I came to the exam and Idid not do well. I did not memorize all the things that neede memorizing, but I did not care. I was happy for the portion of knowledge that I had and now I am willing to read the entire novels, plays and poems that were mentioned in my textbook.

I came to the computer lab because I felt a huge urge to read a book written by the Spanish writer Gustavo Adolfo Bequer. I could not wait until I get home. When I got to the lab I saw students checking their grades. SO I was like: then lets see mine as well. I got a real bad mark in english syntax. A grade that would ambolish my GPA. But I dont vare as well.

I just feel heavy inside my heart. For a lifetime I have wished to ber locked in a place like the one in the picture above ,,, to read and read and go on reading for ever. I love knowledge but I hate education and that what truly does not matter.

Sunday May 27th, 2012

My New Oud

Today Ahmad got me my new Oud.
I had very good reasons to get the new Oud, for the strings, the sound echo and clarity and most of all I needed a smaller Oud so it would not slip off my lap.

But still, I am emotionally confused. Am I supposed to love two Ouds? Or shall I just let go of the old one?

I called the new Oud "Las Puertas" , a Spanish word for "the doors".

~sigh~

Changing Tracks

Today I had a conversation with one of my teachers, the one who recommended that I apply to the Jordan Media Institute for a Modern Media Masters program.

It was a pleasant conversation although I could help but feel extremely down when I left her office as I remembered a line she said. She said and I quote: Forget about Spanish and get to work.

So after all this time of rolling in the happiness of languages and above all Spanish , I will have -eventually- to face the ugly truth that this might not work in the ''real world". I knew this all the time, but I always hoped for a miracle, but instead of the miracle Spain drowned more and more in the economical crisis and for the very first time since god knows when they stopped offering the MA and Phd scolarships :(

So, this Media Institute thingy looks like a great opportunity as long as there is no way to go to Spain. My teacher said that I would make a great TV host or even better: get my own radio program!! 

Later in the evening I went to the academy where I taught a  Spanish course last fall. I was so happy to be there. I also though to myself: Although teaching Spanish here was one of the best jobs that I ever had , but am still too young to stick in my comfort zone.

Here is a message that I sent that exact night to my friend. I post it here so I can get back to it whenever I get a ''Real-World" scare. I care about being happy Nada mas :)

 aham eshy nkoon fulfilled be 3'add enazar keef
bakrah el discourse ely be7ssesek ennek eza ma kan 3ndek eshagle el flanyye fa enty 7ayatek empty! hainy ana mo8bele 3ala soo8 el 3amal bas mesh be 7amas walla , l2no I know what matters, ana ma 3ndi 6moo7at professional , I love to read and to be helpful , fa low balagi masadar masari o agdar ma3o a3ees el na3eem el ma3refi batrek kol el shogol ely fel dnia o basma7esh la wala feminist t7o66 fe rasi enu 3amal el mar2a mohem 

wala eshy mohem ger esa3ade

New Banner

~ كما ينبت العشب بين مفاصل صخرة ~

Deep Breath

For the last three months I had a lump under my right arm. I postponed examining it, I dont know why and with time I just said to myself  ´´If it turns out to be a tumor  , I will take it easy´´.

Today I went to the university´s clinic with Ahmad. He did not know why I was there but he came with me. I went in and the doctor examined the lump and she said it does not look serious, that it is a natural swelling under the skin and it will eventually disappear.

When I went out -and for a vague reason- I felt disappointed! It is not that I was welling to have cancer, but I had my feelings prepared already. When I went back to the waiting room Ahmad looked at me with his very big eyes and he did not ask. He just looked straight into my eyes.

For a vague reason too, I felt like crying infinitely.

But I did not cry. 

New Banner

لا أريد لهذه القصيدة أن تنتهي

An Artistic Scare

Today a friend of mine had a ''vision'' and he experienced a break down , crying , sweating and a drop in his blood pressure.

We were the scene in the corridor of Faculty of Arts. God how uncomfortable was I!

I know I should see it differently , but this is what I think of public demonstrations of emotion: They are uncomfortable. 

Will I Ever Know?

Today I was trying to remember all the arguments I have been through with women. I have always been severly defeated and never actually was able to tell the difference, the truth , the reason or the motive for what was going on.

When I get into arguments with women they just use feelings , tears and some serious interpretation of every word that has ever been said. I am asked weird questions and I am interrogated about actions that I have done without the least thought.

I normally tend to say sorry although I dont know what I did or why is my friend so mad at me.

But I think I deserve that , because I am dumb :)

PS: I asked Mom, and when it comes to these things she is as dumb as I am. 

Facebook Status

الكآبة لا تفنى و لا تستحدث و لكن تتحول من شكل إلى آخر

I Got My Graduation Gown

Through out the years I have talked to the strangers walking down the university with their graduation gowns. I have always congratulated them , and as I was walking with my gown I was surprised that no one talked to me! I know how childish this sounds, but for me, the ability to talking to strangers has always been the criteria by which I measured the ''good spirit'' of a day or a place.

Alhamdulillah , after a while a girl in her first year -whom I dont know and have never seen- said with a gasp: Oh!!! MAbrooooooooooooooooooooook!

She made my day , along with Rasha taking a picture of me when she saw me coming. 

New ID Card

Today I got a new ID Card. It's me first time to renew a card because the expired one was my first.
I remember when I first got that ID card that I said two things to myself:
1- It's the Governments first time to know my face.
2-What will happen in my life with me holding this ID?

Many things have happened actually. I got a Passport with which I went to Pilgrimage and to Spain 3 times. I even stayed for 4 hours in Rome!
I missed an election, but I could have voted if I were here. (Not that big deal when you see the surreal parliament that we got after that election).  


What will happen this time? It expires after 10 years! Many things can happen in 10 years. Will I get married with this exact ID? (this mere thought scares the hell out of me) Will I die? Do they need an ID for burial purposes?

For now, I got an ID and I can go to the bank and get my 45 JD payment that I got for teaching a course in January in the university. As simple as that! 

Facebook Status

أتمنى - في خضم كل ما أتمناه - أن أجد نفسي و بقدرة قادر في بغداد أحلامي ، عندما كنت أنا صغيرة ، و كانت الأشياء جميلة ، وكانت أغاني كاظم الساهر نابعة من الروح بالرغم من شعره الخشن ... بغداد أحلامي أنا فقط

Looking Back

Ever since you left I have not looked back. I took the matter of nostalgy in my own hands.
It was clear inside my soul and mind that the two persons that we are, are no longer connected by any human mean of communication. That invisible cord that brings people together, has been cut between us once and for ever.

But today I took part in a very deep, hard and complicated philosophical and existential discussion. It took place in a class of ''Literature Criticism" and it got pretty serious. I was debating with very smart and intellectual people. Too intellectual to be true. One of them was my friend Ali , I walked him to the main gate and we kept on debating.

When he left I was physically tired. I was worn out. And in that exact moment I missed you so bad, that I looked back and wished I could call you.

For the very first time in 6 months I wished that we were still friends -or whatever was the thing that we used to be- , I hoped it was Ok if I just sent you a text telling you that I would like to see you and talk to you.

I was existentially tormented and I needed your face. I wanted something as solid as that.

I missed how smart but peaceful you were - or you are! Why do I keep using the past tense?! - , and for the very first time ever I loved how cold blooded an neutral you can be. Sometimes we need a neutral friend who would make the big questions look less aggressive. But mostly, sometimes we need to share silence with a dear face and just make-belief for a teeny tiny moment that everything is gonna be ok.

But none of that matters. I know that I cant call you nor can I ask you to come see me.

Friendship is a luxury that an existentially tormented person like myself cant afford.  

Ahmad Said Something

Today Ahmad and I had our first proper and serious one-to-one class. As he revised the exercises with me he was pleased with my practice and he said and I quote:

تقوى أنا بتحدى فيكي .. بعد شهرين حا أجيب طارق يسمعك .. انا لسة ولا مرة جبتلو حدا من طلابي يسمعو

And I converted into this meme immediately!! 

Is he that sure that in two months I will be good enough to be presented to Tareq!!
First I was overwhelmed, then burdened with the responsibility but now I am simply happy and looking forward to practice.

I have the best teacher in the world :) After all  those years.

The Muslims Are Coming :p

A friend sent this to me today, she asked me about mu opinion in the way Muslims are portrayed and if what they said about themselves was fair to our belief.

I watched it a couple of times and I got to the conclusion that this is too smart!
I know that some of the content may not totally get along with the teachings of Islam, but it's a matter of marketing. You cant sell Islam as a whole package , because lets face it: Our teachings are so weird when compared to what the world is actually living.

Things like Hijab, not having pre-martial sex and not drinking are too weird for the western mentality and you cant ''make'' them understand those details , unless you are smart enough to make people listen to you first, understand the basics of their belief and then get to understand the application of belief in daily life.

There is no better way than comedy to make people hear you.

It has happened many times that I found MYSELF laughing at stand up comedians who were describing Islam as a terrorist belief and Muslims as born terrorists. But I was like: In spite of the truth, this shit is so funny!

So as they made me hear them ,now its muslims turn to present something appealing that would make people hear them too.

Way to go :) 

My Family in the Theatre

Today My Family came to the university today to watch a play I told them about. It was nice of them to actually change the routine for once in our life. It was great to have them although Najeh-junior cried a lot during the play. Bombings and airplanes scared him hehee 

Too Much Art is Too Much Pain - Part I

Today was ''one of those days''.

My friends and I attended the Oriental Music Concert presented by the teachers and students of the Faculty of Arts and design. Ahmad -my Oud Teacher- told us about, and we went to watch him and give him our support.

We walked all the way to the Faculty talking and laughing, specially as one of us -not gonna say who- was going to go there for the very first time after her break up with a guy who studies arts. She wanted to attend the concert and we all told her that she should not skip things that she likes just for the sake of avoiding him. (We were so extra extremely happy for her).

The concert was divided into two parts. The first one was pure music ,2 Ouds , a Cello , two violins and a percussionist. They had a great choice of pieces (I videotaped most of the things, I might upload them soon but I will have to ask first if I may or may not).

They played those pieces:




Ahmad performed alone. I could not see me, but I knew that my eyes were twinkling. He has a charm on stage Mashalla!! And -in a tricky way- I felt a bit proud because I would look at the audience and say: Oh, Ahmad? well he is my Teacher .... :evil smile:

I also saw Ahmad's Teacher, Tareq. (This would make him my musical Grandpa hehehe) only today, he played Cello , which is weird , because when you think of Tareq you immediately get the image of a Oud :)

The music was so astonishing (I still have not got the terminology to describe exactly what I heard) I just know that most if has touched my heart and I smiled as a child.

Meanwhile I was taking pictures I noticed the facial gestures of each player ,,, those are little beautiful words ... Obaida the violinist, her face was like: Ohhhhh I love Music ,,,, Ahmad's eyes were like that of a child unfolding a gift ,,, but Tareq was soooo professional , he kept his gestures straight.

There was a singing part ,,,,
Is it that I intentionally hate girls or they just sucked? Two guys presented two magnificent songs.
(Oh I really feel the urge to upload the videos!)

During the concert I was giggling with Nusaibah, Huda and Ali. He kept saying ''Allah'' along the show and I loved how serious he was as he said them ,,,, We were purely happy and we clapped so hard when Dr Ayman Tayseer presented Ahmad to the audience. Ahmad was so touched by our presence that when I met him later in the evening he delivered some great news (That I will mention when the moment comes)

This day has more and more in it but I will keep on writing tomorrow , now I need to sleeeep :p

This Has got on my Nerves

I love Rajae Qawwas (who does not?) And those two episodes were really funny and they were a successful change in the rhythm of both of their shows, Rajae's show and Tima's show.

But on a different level the story line has got on my nerves. They portrayed a common love story that takes place in a company between two office colleagues. When the boy -Rajae- started analysing her as a ''date possibility'' he thought of her hair, her weight and her general look , therefore he decided that she is ''suitable'' and therefore he made his move.

As for her, she analysed his physical appearance then she checked his car , and so she accepted his move and they started going out with each other for the lunch break.

The way that the relationship evolves is merely disgusting. I know I know that I am such an irrealistic person -given the actual way of ''hitting it off'' with guys- but I still believe that there is something  in male-female relationships  more than just ''mating'' or ''filling a vacancy''.

Not every man is a possibility, not every woman is a possible prey!! I used to think that when I was a hormonal young stupid teenager, but now I know that people are just ''people we know'' until they prove themselves as something else (best friends, friends , acquaintances ... or Maybe the Love of Ones life) but this shoe-shopping method is preposterous (Sho-Shopping: Keep trying shoes until one fits).

At the end of the second episode (WARNING: Spoilers Alert) she tricks him into getting back together with her and proposing to her. And she insists on the example that: ''Men are like footballs, hit them against the wall and they will bounce back to you".

May I be mad with this reality?
Is is much when I ask for a man not a boy? a person whom you can rationalize with and not him so he will bounce back?
I can manipulate people (Oh Dear heaven I CAN) but I prefer dealing with them on human basis and treat as grown ups! Damn!

Facebook Status

Nostalgia for what we have lost is more bearable than nostalgia for what we have never had.... 

~Mignon McLaughlin~

A Long Day

Today was a long CIEE-ing day. CIEE -If I have never mentioned this here- is a company where all my friends has worked, a company that facilitates a Jordanian Life for American students who come to Jordan in order to learn Arabic.

Normally with CIEE we try all kinds of  Jordanian experiences, things that maybe for being ''locals'' we have never done. For example today we went to the Jordanian Diplomacy Institute and their we had a conversation club.

It was mediocre. I thought that students of the Diplomatic Program are gonna be politically amusing, and they would lead a more challenging conversation.

So, some mental notes that I have taken about the institute:
*I hate being obliged to dress formally :(((.

*Sometimes people look pathetic as they reject a new idea without even considering it. They look weak and sad as they find themselves unable to defend what they think is right , or what they have been taught as kids and never actually assessed later on.!! 

After that we went back to the university. I went to pick up me Oud , it was with Fares. We hung out on the stairs with the entire deanship group, but something weird happened today. A guy was asking about the syntactical explanation of  a verse in the Quran. I participated in the conversation because I love Arabic syntax ,its so challenging and it has been the only type of ''math'' that I excelled at.

But the verse was so hard. We were almost ten people trying to analyse it. So Batool had to call her brother in Law Motasem -who is majoring Arabic literature along with a BA in Sharia'a- and he explained it to us.

Nothing weird so far no? Later in the conversation I found out that the guy who was asking about the explanation is christian and he was claiming that Quran has grammatical mistakes that we - the Muslims- ignore in order to make our book look perfect. 

See this meme?
That was my reaction. It is not that I dont respect people's opinions but the way he was insisting on the alleged ''syntactical mistake'' was so pathetic! Why? because if your Arabic is not good enough you cant come and criticise Quran.
I am not saying so because I am a Muslim, but because I am an Arab who happens to be great in Syntax. Quran has the greatest syntactical structure that I have ever seen. Not only me, but many many other learners of Arabic, both muslims and non-muslims.

Here is a thing , and the other is that the Deanship is the last place where I thought that I would witness such a conversation. In the Deanship people mostly debate if God exists, so witnessing a debate about ''which religion is better'' was kind of a variation on the show.

Anyway, Good luck buddy with your syntactical search and have fun with the youtube videos that discuss such mistakes. heheheheheh :p

Facebook Status: Racism

كان لي اليوم تجربة حضارية تنويرية مع شوفير تاكسي يحمل هم فني عظيم و عميق، تعلمنا منه أن حسين السلمان كان كونترول باص قبل أن تأتيه النبوءة الفنية، و ان "شعب" الرمثا لم يقم بإنجاحه و إنما "الشعب الفلسطيني" الساكن في البقعة. 

كلمات احدى الأغنيات المسجلة بصوت سائق التكسي شخصيا و التي كانت تلعلع طول الطريق و هنا يخاطب الشاعر المحبوبة قائلاً:

والله لألعن شرفهم .. اهلك هالفلسطينية 

والله ألعن شرفهم .... أهلك هالأردنية 

و من هنا نرى مقدار اللُّحمة و الأخوة بين الشعبين ، لم يفرق بينهم شارع الأردن، فالطبربوريون و البقعاويون اخوان (مش مسلمين) ....و من الجدير بالذكر أنني عرطت عليه بأني أكتب الشعر النبطي فطلب رقم هاتفي "لنتعاون فنياً" فرفضت و قلتلو: أنا عندي أهل يقطعوني حتت 

الله يقبّرهم اياك أهلك!!! 

I think the status covers the story! 

I normally keep silent in Taxis no matter how the driver tries to force me into the conversation. But this one, he just asked for it so badly and so I  gave him a piece of my mind. 

We had a good laugh when we got off the Taxi. We were three , me a Jordanian citizen with Jordanian roots , Batool a Jordanian citizen with Palestinian roots and Aliet a Palestinian citizen with a Jordanian residency. We were able to laugh at the scene and forget about it ,,, why is so hard for the others to do so? And no, I am not criticizing the others because it would make me look better , it is because this racism thingy is so important to a relatively big portion of my society. 

I think - sadly - that it would take a long time before we , as a nation , get to accomplish anything as long as we are so worked up with a matter like this one. 

It works sometimes!

I just made a personality test online. I usually tend to hate those things because a part of me goes on showing off and it's really hard to control it. I tried to be as honest as possible and I got an answer that is close to who I really am!

Results of your
How Do Others Perceive You? Quiz

You scored a total of 44 

The Lively Center of Attention Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

Sometimes I dont get my Family

Today my parents picked me up from the deanships stairs. I was there with a bunch of boys from the Theatre group and Nusaibah.

I know for a fact how my family hates how do artists look (writers, actors , musicians , painters) all of them. And they hate to see me hang out with them. I got to the car and I waited for a tornado of yelling , but NOTHING!! Actually they wanted to know more about the guys and they showed genuine interest in knowing their stories!!

I can never know what to expect!
Confusing!

In my Very Own Bubble

I have always had my headsets placed next to my ears and covered with Hijab. But I have never listened to music while in class.
I did not do it for various reasons , mostly because I am always curious to hear what do the lecturer have to say, no one is ''full of crap'' , there must be something.
But today in Military sciences class I realized in the very first minute that the lecturer should have done anything but never should have addressed an audience. It is not something easy , nor is it something that everybody is supposed to excel at.

So , I turned on my Mp3 and I listened to this Oud piece by Maestro Ahmad Al khatib ,,, I repeated it a lot and I ws floating inside my very own bubble.

I was alone and happy and I kept my head fixed , although I wanted to swing it as the music took me away.

Listen to it. Its a bless 

The Life that I have been Deprived

It was a little incident, it lasted for how much? 30 seconds? But it made me consider fleeing my life and my home. The idea of fleeing has not crossed my mind for a long long time now, but today as I entered the backstage of my university's theatre , it came back strongly and insistingly.

After I spent the evening practising Oud with a friend called Fares, a guy from the university's choir called Yeyha asked me if he can borrow my Oud. I gave it to him and we agreed that I will be back in half an hour to take it. But when I came back all choir students where gone and I freaked out a little until Nusiabah found them practising in the theatre.

The theatre's curtain was drown and it was hot between the backstage and the curtains velvet , but they were playing all the instruments and singing under a yellow light. It was a Haiku moment! It was poetry.

I know that if anyone of the choir people get to read this , they would laugh. It is something they do everyday , its hot and sticky and it requires a lot of effort and practice. But ,,,, I felt so sad and left out. I have loved theatre my entire life. I have loved the darkness backstage and the alluring light when the curtains that separate the audience from the performers is moved away. This is what I wanted to do , what I wanted to have as a fixed part of my existence.

I know how this sounds (I know how this post looks) ... I love my life and the things that I do, but the character that God granted for me is not the character of a shy translator who works in the shadows of writers and languages. I love Adrenaline and I enjoy challenge and the mini heart attacks that come before and after astonishing events.

Performance was supposed to be my thing, but what happened actually? I was so shy that I popped my head inside their recital , even though I had every right to go in and get back my Oud!

Lately, many things have changed. I have came out of my intellectual closet.

I attended a class -and it ruined my superficial peace with life- and the teacher got me to show her what I write. For the first time in years I fed on compliments and I accepted feedback. A thing that I have not done since high school. And now that I am out, discussing my thoughts ,defending my ideas and exhibiting my beliefs I got back the feeling in some numb parts of my existence.

Also lately , I left my old Oud ''instructor'' and I started taking lessons with a different Teacher. My new teacher is a dedicated musician. He studies music, works and lives on music. It is not a hobby or a thing on the side, it is The Thing of his life. And that also made me think: why did I decide that my Oud performance belongs only to me and to my family and friends? There is an entire world beyond those.

I know that things are not that easy, and I dont plan to be a star , but today , behind that curtain I was purely sad , and I felt that I have lived a life that is not mine just because I wanted to avoid some battles, with society , with my family and with myself above all.

I want to flee this life. I just need to -at least- say so in a place rather than my own head.

I am a Graduate!!!

After 5 years I actually went and got my graduation picture. I feel as if it's happening to someone else ,,, it is not me who is going to leave this little make belief amazing world of JU.

It's me ,,,

It's Happening to me.

New Facebook Profile Picture

Nusaibah took this picture of me after we were done with our Fettuccine plates in "Sareena Snack". We had ''one of those conversations and I felt a terrible existential emptiness.

I posted the picture on my account with this caption from Darweesh's poem "Al Jidaryya":

وكأنني قد متُّ قبل الآن …

أَعرفُ هذه الرؤيا ، وأَعرفُ أَنني

أَمضي إلى ما لَسْتُ أَعرفُ . رُبَّما

ما زلتُ حيّاً في مكانٍ ما، وأَعرفُ

ما أُريدُ …

سأصيرُ يوماً ما أُريدُ

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~ليل العاشقين طويل و لكن نهار العويّدة أطول~

Although it sounds so childish!

Grown ups are supposed to know a couple of things, things that are set by default under the category of "The Ugly Truth". For example: "Looks are more important than brains" ... Everyone is supposed to know that! and I thought that I knew that, but knowing is something and "being hit by reality" is a whole different thing.

I dont know why is it troubling me but something happened today in the deanship and I just fely puzzled , then mad , then sad. A guy was telling me his love story (that ended badly and sadly) and he said and I quote: She was so beautiful, so so beautiful , and warm hearted and maybe this is why I loved her, but when she called me for a one hour long phone call I used to get bored. She has no topics and no ideas ,,, she is shallow , but I loved her deeply.

Really?!!!

Am I so so so unrealistic to not accept that? I know that shallow people are ''people'' after all and they deserve to be loved too, but I used to think that shallow people only attract each other.

Its getting dangerous! If beautiful shallow girls are gonna keep getting the smart guys, then who is left for me?

And yes , if you are wondering - dear reader- I consider myself from the other party: the non-shallow party. Why? Because, this is who I am. I can endure 60 minutes talking about some actual crap!