Looking Back

Ever since you left I have not looked back. I took the matter of nostalgy in my own hands.
It was clear inside my soul and mind that the two persons that we are, are no longer connected by any human mean of communication. That invisible cord that brings people together, has been cut between us once and for ever.

But today I took part in a very deep, hard and complicated philosophical and existential discussion. It took place in a class of ''Literature Criticism" and it got pretty serious. I was debating with very smart and intellectual people. Too intellectual to be true. One of them was my friend Ali , I walked him to the main gate and we kept on debating.

When he left I was physically tired. I was worn out. And in that exact moment I missed you so bad, that I looked back and wished I could call you.

For the very first time in 6 months I wished that we were still friends -or whatever was the thing that we used to be- , I hoped it was Ok if I just sent you a text telling you that I would like to see you and talk to you.

I was existentially tormented and I needed your face. I wanted something as solid as that.

I missed how smart but peaceful you were - or you are! Why do I keep using the past tense?! - , and for the very first time ever I loved how cold blooded an neutral you can be. Sometimes we need a neutral friend who would make the big questions look less aggressive. But mostly, sometimes we need to share silence with a dear face and just make-belief for a teeny tiny moment that everything is gonna be ok.

But none of that matters. I know that I cant call you nor can I ask you to come see me.

Friendship is a luxury that an existentially tormented person like myself cant afford.