Bob Marley's Quote

I translated this card to my facebook friends. As always , I got the depressing likes but not the conversation that I always long for.

تقولين أنك تحبين المطر و لكنك تحتمين بمظلة عندما تمطر. تقولين أنك تحبين الشمس و لكنك تبحثين عن الظل عندما تشرق. تقولين أنك تحبين الريح و لكنك تغلقين النوافذ عندما تهبّ. لهذا أخاف عندما تقولين أنك تحبينني .

بوب مارلي

Oh Dear Revolution

This song is so inspirational , yet it gives me a very troubling feeling.

When she mentioned the revolutions of 77 and 69 I just felt sorry for my generation. Revolution was sacred and clean. Now every person who takes part in a revolution is immediately called a betrayer who is trying to ruin and destroy his own country.

Its systematically designed to use Media and effect the public opinion, poising peoples thoughts against all revolutionists , that at some point the revolutionist himself would wonder: Am I ACTUALLY betraying my country?

Adele ... Are you becoming one of ''Them''?

This picture troubled me. Is she gonna look like everyone else?

I mean, am happy that she is becoming healthier - as being fat is not the healthiest of things- but it is worrying to see her pause just like the others. There is something missing ,,, Efffft ,,, I feel abandoned

Blood Doanting: It's free :)

Today I was in University's Hospital in the dentistry section. A coincidence led to the other and I ended up with a couple of friends in the Blood Bank.

It turned out that a friend's brother has cancer and he needs blood donation. Both of my friends tried to donate but one of them had weak blood , and they could not locate the veins of the other so I was the only one left to donate.

Needles do scare me, but at the moment I went boldly inside -I could not leave at that point- and Subhan Allah , it went smoothly and did not even hurt. I did not even get dizzy or pale and my blood level was 15.1!!!

When I went home I felt good. Very good. A cancer patient has my blood going through his veins , bringing him chances to get better. How great is that?

I plan o doing it often Enshalla :) Its Charity, and it costs me nothing.

Realizing

I was raised by the wolves I guess. I dont go through ''actual'' tormenting and impulsive feelings. Everything I feel is negotiable. I cant be sure if I am actually sad nor mad or even offended. I have a huge amount of carelessness and very wide imagination , I can always imagine what things would be like if other things were different ,,, you know , I can imagine other scenarios so I dont feel things strongly ,,, they might simply be something else.

And so I thought of you. I thought maybe I was not that in love. Maybe I was not that attached. Maybe its just a phase. I almost got to believe that it eventually evaporated and ended.

But today I saw a person playing with a letter as he pronounced it just the way you do, and I remembered you.

And I saw a person sticking his hands in his pockets and then lifting the pockets up as yoy used to do and I remembered you.

It is not that you only crossed my mind then , no , it is that your existence was reincarnated with a simple detail that's attached in my mind to you.

Death is so hard ,,,, so hard for the mortal insignificant human beings who cant understand it nor endure it ,,, it crushes my soul every single day ,,, I miss you

The things that go out of fashion

Dr Ibraheem Al Fakeeh was a trend for a while. People talked about him a lot , they bought his books and watched his video and turned him into an actual headache. Then as usual -and as people tend to be mostly- they forgot him and they moved towards other trends.

He is a man of knowledge, he is no fashion style nor make up trade mark . Knowledge does not go out of style , but the world today has turned into a consuming contest and this man was consumed.

Today he died. A very painful and sad death. Sadly his death reminded me of him after all this time,,, I searched his videos and this short video filled me with hope and the usual guilt of not working hard enough. It also made me feel Ok about his death. At least he has lived, he has changed lives and thats what really matters.

New Banner

I am not illiterate anymore ... I can READ :)

Your Constant Pain

I know that no pain is constant ,,,

I know that human beings tend to forget at some point. But I miss you ...

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

Its driving me .... Well , it is not driving me anything , because I know its fate and fate is God word and I can never be mad at Gods word.

But I miss you ,,,

I just wish , from the bottom of my heart , from the depth of each particle of me that I could see your face one more time ,,,

I wish I could sit there and listen to you while you crack jokes and laugh ,,, Oh , your laughter in my ears ,,,

I wish I could touch your face and tell you how much I miss you

I miss you

بورتريه الأسف

و وجهك يثير الأسف. عندما أدقّق في تفاصيله و أرى زاوية فمك المتواطئة مع حاجبك المائل، وكأنك في حالة تشكيك دائمة بكل ما تراه. و كذلك الأخدود الرقيق الذي تتركه نظارتك في مساحة صدغك التي تصل عينيك بأذنيك.. هذا الأخدود الذي يحمرّ و يبيضّ تِبعاً لمدى انهماكك في الأشياء - في التفكير، الدراسة، العمل ، الضحك، أو الصمت- و لكن أكثر ما يثير الأسف في وجهك، هو ابتسامتك الفاترة المسالمة. ابتسامتك التي توحي برجل ما عاد بإمكانه أن يُدهَش. توحي برجلٍ رأى كلّ شيء... بما في ذلك أنا.

جزء من نص طويل بعنوان

"حداد يليق بالفقيد"

- المشهد الثالث -

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Its amazing how some deep eyes belong to some shallow people. ~7ekmetak ya rabb~

Without My Oud

Today was my first day of classes and as our Oud course ended on Thursday , today was my first day to go out with my Oud since 21 days.

It actually felt weird without it!! People used to stare a lot when I held with me , but I reached the point where I could totally forget about the entire population staring at me and just feel the happiness of having him on my side or on my shoulder.

Today I walked without him and I missed him a lot. I kept touching my hard finger tip , the finger tip where I lost all feeling because of practising and pressing on the strings. I kept telling myself that if I dont practice enough then my finger tip would go soft again.

When I got home , the first thing I did was going to my room and hugging him. Then I took of his leather bag and I practised and practised. I played a song for Haleem and it felt awesome.

I know how freaky this sounds , but I love him I love him I wanna scream

Its Over

This was - by all means- the best vacation of my entire life.

I got to wake up everyday and leave my house , go out to spend 3 hours on my own reading and writing and contemplating and then I learned Oud for 3 beautiful hours.

It was not good at home - it never were as everything I do is interrupted none stop- but sometimes I got to practice what I learned and I studied the music theory.

Tomorrow we are going back to class and for the very first time ever since I got to the univeristy I feel burdened by the thought that the vacation is over.

Tomorrow the last semester of my college life is starting and I am full of reluctance, mixed feelings and anguish. May God help me down this road

I believe in Egypt

This video brought tears to my eyes. It has been a year since the Egyptian Revolution started and yet the ones who killed the protesters have not been punished. I cant even start imagining what must be going through the minds of the fathers and the mothers of the martiers , I just wanna pray for Egypt and for the accomplishments of its revolution. I pray that people's effort will not be wasted and that justice will finally apply in that beautiful beautiful country.

Who am I anyway?

Look at her, Isnt she lovely?

Her name is Ola Muath. She lost her battle with cancer yesterday. I did not know her but I read her blog: http://shammless.blogspot.com/

I was reading through her blog today as I was down with the flu. I felt ashamed of feeling sick. What do I know about sickness? What do I know about anything. It takes only brave people to go through all of this , and still smile.

May you rest in peace Ola.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I found the movie by accident while watching TV in my cousins house and i could not resist the seduction.

I watched it again , and when we got to the scene where Haleem died I felt that kind of agony and as soon as I was alone with myself I cried for a good while.

Thinking of Haleem makes me cry ,,, cry a lot , because I love him , I miss him and I feel like i know him. Also I feel like I was born a little bit too late and I could not be in the same era as him.

I thought of him , an orphan who always felt unwanted in the all the houses he lived in , who was denied his only love and who was destined to be alone as he went through 61 surgeries ,,, I felt so humanly weak and sad.... Sometimes the humanity is just too sad to be handled ,,, ~sigh~

Allah yerhamak ya haleem ... Amen Amen Amen

Saving the Old Letters

Ever since I was a child I was always terrified with my Mom's continuous eagerness towards arranging closets and drawers. She would them turn them over and start arranging everything inside them.

My little sins were always discovered in such events.

Today she decided to clean up the ruins of my library -and here it is not a metaphor , they are actually all my books that were left without shelter as she gave away the closet to my brothers house- and as always I felt that uneasiness towards the whole thing.

I felt totally naked while my Mom, aunt , brother and sister in law were arranging the books , because each page had in it a peace of paper that has things that I wrote many many years ago , or tree leaves and things that mean -or used to mean- something only to me , and would absolutely look ridiculous to anyone besides me.

In the midst of all that mess I found the file where I kept Ahmad's letters. I saved the file and left the scene because as I have this file then nothing else matters.

Ahmad was my first love. I dont know anything about him now , and he has changed in my perspective now that he is not a person anymore, he is more of a symbol to my enlightment.

I stopped loving him a long long time ago , but his letters were filled with wisdom , philosophy and literature and every time I read them I see something new in them. Mostly I see what he saw in me meanwhile I was a 15 years old distracted teenager.

For what its worth, I dont recall ever having a solid and durable feeling as this one. This gratitude to this guy who came into my life for 5 simple months and transformed me from a close minded child to a young lady with so much potential.

For what its worth ,,,, I wanna say: Thank you :)

Today was a different day ,,,,

Today , and after a long while of not reading Quran nor being able to concentrate in it ,I went down to the library's oratorio an I read a page from Surat Maryam. After only one recital I memorized the page!!! I read it again and again from my memory and I was stunned by me tone! I never read Quran with this tone. I have always kept the same tone ever since I was a kid , but today I sounded so different and so ,,, so in touch with the words.

Then I went to my Oud class. I sucked!! I was not prepared because I did not get to practice this week and my teacher got me! He was like : We are gonna send you over to the mice room (I wish he would , then I will HAVE to practice) then for the last 45 minute of class we sang songs on the Maqam we studied today.

Today we studied Maqam Ajam , and he asked us to think of songs that were composed on this Maqam. I started saying names of songs and I was right! They were Ajam , and I felt like singing so I started singing and my teacher played the Oud.

It was so amazing that I forgot about the rest of the class and I was hung over the music all alone. God it was amazing!!

I have always wanted to sing out loud , never actually did it - dont know why- but today I flied with the words,,, I was so happy!!

God am so happy .

Today a friend - Hakeem- saw me in the Deanship's Cafeteria and he said that my eyes are glowing with happiness,,,, How accurate was that!

مغازلة طويلة ،تُفضي إلى مصارحة موجعة

اليوم التقطت صديقتي آلاء هذه الصورة لي في حصة العود. دخلت كالريح ، التقطت الصورة و خرجت. و عندما عدت في المساء و وجدت

الصورة على صفحتي على الفيس بوك شعرت بالنعمة.. قلة هم اولئك الذين يتسنى لهم أن يسجل لهم أحدٌ ما أعلى لحظاتِ حياتهم.

هذه اللحظة كانت لحظة نشوة ...اليوم تعلمنا عن المقامات الموسيقية ، و بعد كل الحصص الماضية التي كانت حافلة بتمارين الأصابع و الاوتار و التي لم ترتقِ إلى ما كنا نتخيله عن ''حصة العود'' جاءت حصة اليوم كالسلوى، لنتكلم فيها عن الفكرة التي تحوك بخاطر الموسيقى عندما تتنقل من مقام إلى آخر.

مرة أخرى خنقني العود ...

مرة أخرى شعرت بأجيال البكاء التاريخي تتدافع داخل رأسي و تبلل تفكيري ، و شعرت بأن العود و بعد مغازلة طويلة صرّح لي بأنه قادمٌ إليّ ليمحو كل ما قبله... قادمٌ ليبكيني و يضحكني و يغرقني بالوجل و الشوق و النشوة و الأسى و الوجد و كل الأشياء الأخرى التي لا أسماء لها.

أنا اليوم أشعر بنوع نادر من راحة البال . باليقين بأن الدهشة التي كانت تغمرني عندما كنت طفلة ما تزال ممكنة ، وبأن شهقة الانبهار بالأشياء ما تزال ممكنة ... اليوم أشعر أنني لم أرَ كل شيء و لم أعتدْ كل شيء و أنني ما أزال صغيرة جداً ، و أن دنيا الربّ ما تزال حافلة بالتفاصيل الصغيرة ، و الأفراح العظيمة ... كفرحتي بالمقامات .. المقامات على سبيل المثال لا الحصر.

Life After Megaupolad

It has been almost 10 days since Megavideo was shut down and ever since I have not seen not one episode of anything! Not in English nor in Spanish.

I came back from Spain 7 months ago , and ever since I have not watched an actual TV holding the remote in my hand. Its just impossible in my house and all the other houses of my family because people are watching the news all the time. I know its so shallow and self abosrbed to worry about my TV shows while people are being killed everywhere, but this is almost my only time alone and it has been taken away.

I miss Megaupload and the infinite streaming ,,, If I know I would lose it I would have never complained the 72 minutes restriction.

Efffffft ,,, I dont know what else to say really! Why the freaking LAW now?!! We have used those copyrights for so long that they belong to no one anymore God Damn it!

Lluvia - Por Federico Garcia Lorca

LLUVIA

La lluvia tiene un vago secreto de ternura,

algo de soñolencia resignada y amable,

una música humilde se despierta con ella

que hace vibrar el alma dormida del paisaje.

Es un besar azul que recibe la Tierra,

el mito primitivo que vuelve a realizarse.

El contacto ya frío de cielo y tierra viejos

con una mansedumbre de atardecer constante.

Es la aurora del fruto. La que nos trae las flores

y nos unge de espíritu santo de los mares.

La que derrama vida sobre las sementeras

y en el alma tristeza de lo que no se sabe.

La nostalgia terrible de una vida perdida,

el fatal sentimiento de haber nacido tarde,

o la ilusión inquieta de un mañana imposible

con la inquietud cercana del color de la carne.

El amor se despierta en el gris de su ritmo,

nuestro cielo interior tiene un triunfo de sangre,

pero nuestro optimismo se convierte en tristeza

al contemplar las gotas muertas en los cristales.

Y son las gotas: ojos de infinito que miran

al infinito blanco que les sirvió de madre.

Cada gota de lluvia tiembla en el cristal turbio

y le dejan divinas heridas de diamante.

Son poetas del agua que han visto y que meditan

lo que la muchedumbre de los ríos no sabe.

¡Oh lluvia silenciosa, sin tormentas ni vientos,

lluvia mansa y serena de esquila y luz suave,

lluvia buena y pacifica que eres la verdadera,

la que llorosa y triste sobre las cosas caes!

¡Oh lluvia franciscana que llevas a tus gotas

almas de fuentes claras y humildes manantiales!

Cuando sobre los campos desciendes lentamente

las rosas de mi pecho con tus sonidos abres.

El canto primitivo que dices al silencio

y la historia sonora que cuentas al ramaje

los comenta llorando mi corazón desierto

en un negro y profundo pentagrama sin clave.

Mi alma tiene tristeza de la lluvia serena,

tristeza resignada de cosa irrealizable,

tengo en el horizonte un lucero encendido

y el corazón me impide que corra a contemplarte.

¡Oh lluvia silenciosa que los árboles aman

y eres sobre el piano dulzura emocionante;

das al alma las mismas nieblas y resonancias

que pones en el alma dormida del paisaje!