Misplaced

My sister in law is pregnant , she might deliver anytime now ...

I am happy , not the happiness that people expect as I dont get SO thrilled about babies , but I am happy for my family and all that stuff.

There is a bald possibility that the girl -its a girl- will be born in my birthday Tenth of August.

I cant help being upset , mad ,, even SAD!!!

I know this is not the best time in my life to be feeling things , because this whole leaving for a year thing is making me sensitive, but I know for SURE that this is so bad ...

I am not acting childish as my mom insists , I have felt left out a lot since i came back. I felt that my place has been taken many times , I felt that my life is a sub-story to the story of my family. I love them and their life style is mine , but them converting from a family house to a grandparents house has coasted me a lot of time and understanding. It took me a lot to accept that they have only 4 chairs on the food table and the additional chair is MINE!!

But now , I cant accept that somebody ANYBODY would come join me in my day , my party , my cake , the memory of me coming to this world and the happiness that my father experienced each and every year remembering that I was born in a day like this one.

I can share anything , but not the symbolic day of the love of my Father.

Anyway ... this is Gods choice to make , but I cant deny that I am mad , and in a way: I am willing to leave , I want to be truly far not ''feeling'' far.

Tarbye Watanyye: That was something!

Today I finished Tarbye Watanyye course. The exam was good, especially after I spent some time collecting questions while waiting outside of the Student.com building.

I enjoyed this course to the max, and although my classmates were always bored and wiling to leave , I enjoyed every minute , every word and I made a lot of questions - it was kinda funny that whenever the teacher asks if anyone has questions then my hand would automatically pop in the air- they thought that I was a nerd , but that was not the case.

I always had the feeling that we as Jordanians we had a misshaped image of our own country, or an interior image picturing Jordan as the best place in the entire world , or and exterior image - sometimes from our arab brothers and somtimes from some jordanians- that Jordan is a tiny insignificant country.

So in this course I had the chance to hear a balanced point of view , a balanced discourse showing the advantages and disadvantages of Jordan as subjectively as possible. I learned how hard the jordanian situation is and how many challenges this country had to go through to keep on existing and defending what it believes in.

I am glad that I dropped the course the first time and had the chance to study it again ,,, it turned out perfect and lets just forget about the other 76 students in the class who never said anything unless their name is called while calling the roll.

Ps: I have no idea why this post is underlined although blogger has no ''underlined'' option!!

The Man with the Long Shadow

Thats him!! The Man with the long shadow ,,, I saw him through the glass and the sun was right after him so he was dark, but still his moving shadow lightened my heart ,,, what is that? I was ot even sure if its him or not but I felt this special kind of joy that does not spread in the blood unless there is something about him , him , and nothing more than him.

It went smooth and easy ,,, I was pleased ,,, I thought I would chicken out , or I would just feel that its pointless -like all other things in this earthy life- but it was worth it.

This reminds me of Nicholas Cage in ''City of Angels'' when he became mortal to be with his love Meg Rayan and then she died , his old ''angel'' friend asked him if it was worth it losing the immortality for her so he said: For one breath of her hair , for one touch of her hand , for one kiss of her lips worth the eternity.

I never looked in his eyes as I did today , suddenly he seemed a little shorter than always , and his head was not that far , and I got to see them , they were tired .. maybe the most tired pair of eyes I have ever seen , but still , I was so happy to be close ,,, one last time before I am far and for ever.

And there are always going to be ''the other'' women , who treat men like shoes , and go trying them on until they find a pair that matches their eye shadow ... the women that can always get the things I always wanted , or thought that I wanted ,,, the women who make me write lines like THESE not knowing what exactly do I want ,, to what extent I wanna reach ,,, why in Gods name I am doing what I am doing ,,, these women, are they good or bad?

I feel like I should write more ,,, But what shall I say? There is not much in it , they were few seconds. It was the eye contact without blinking that I would hang to for a while. Remeber the quiver in my fingers , the adrenaline river through my veins and the butterflies traffic jam in my stomach.

Thank you for being a part of my shadows ... lets not think about the lights.

Last Time

Tomorrow at 10,30 .... Que corto fue el amor y que largo es el olvido

New Banner

The Clock tower of Jordan University is ticking away the dearest days of my life

Non-automatic Countdown

21 Days for Granada

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22 Days for Granada

When August Comes

When August comes I feel weird. Each year I hear a universal clock ticking inside my heart counting the ten days left for my birthday. When my birthday comes a burden falls off my shoulders but then i keep on feeling weird until September.

I feel responsible , I go thinking about life , about the time , what I am supposedly have accomplished ... I dont really know in what do I think , but there is something about August.

There is something about August ....

Non-automatic Countdown

23 Days to Granada

Non-automatic Countdown

24 Days to Granada

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25 Days to Granada

The problem with blogging, facebook and twitter

The problem is so simple: That I can be posting in any psychological circumstances and the words would just look like ''words'' , this is not easy at all , it breaks my heart actually.

I am actually writing this post after crying in the shower for an hour - never did that before- and now the words look innocent in the page as if they are telling any other normal story.

This is just pointless ,,, this is really sadder.

I was talking to my Mom and she was making some real questions about ''his'' situation and I ran out of answers. She was trying to convince me that its no big deal so I started yelling and asking her not to say that and things got out of my hand and I started crying and then I saw my aunt entering our front yard so I was like: We always have company , we dont even have the time to fight ,,, and I went to the shower and started crying.

I was so sad , hopeless , helpless but relieved , I always had hard time trying to cry ,,, I dont cry and when I do my tears fall cold!! this time they had little heat in them and I thought to myslef: Ok , maybe I started feeling things normally!!

It was not only about him , its about a rare weakness that I feel when I crave something and cant get it because I am too well raised to ask for it. I can write a thousand words blog entry but never get to describe those minutes under the cold water of our shower.

Non-automatic Countdown

26 Days to Granada

Mom and Dad: 27 years

Today Mom and Dad have survived their 27th year together!! Mashalla although 27 is o much time :)

Dropped the next YEAR: something about letting go

Today I gathered my courage and went to Registration and dropped the next year. I just decided that although it hurts me so much to leave Jordan , University of Jordan , my people and friends but I am going to Spain and staying the entire year.

I am not freaking out anymore , I know what I want to do : I want to speak perfect Spanish and tis comes with hard work , hard work needs sacrifices so am sacrificing.

I am gonna miss a lot of things , and gonna be homesick for a while. I am gonna cry in the airport this time , I am gonna miss my parents but when this emotional roller coaster pulls over i will be many many steps closer to my dream ,, so its worth it.

Bye Bye University of Jordan ,, see you next summer semester :)

Spending the saddest morning with the best poet: Dr Khaled El Karaki

This morning I was so sad.

Not the ''pamper me'' sad , but the ''leave me alone and let me think'' kind of sadness. I sat outside for a while maybe smoke a cigarette or two and then I felt that I should read poetry ,, you know to heal my soul.

I am banned from taking books from the library because I was late in returning the last things I borrowed so I had to stay in with the book ,,, I sat reading ''Rajaa Assaheel'' by Dr. Khaled Al Karaki ,,,

I was looking at the world through the book , listening to the pain in my heart , feeling the vast emptiness this Bedouin has left in my heart , and the great gap of silence that nothing fells but the voice of Dr Khaled and his magical words,,,

و أنا

هذا السكون يحز روحي

و المدى

و الحلم أن يأتوا بعيدٌ لا يرام

Those were some original moments in my life , after which I went to my patrol spot and did not see him ,,, yeah thats sad ,, thats beyond words

Crack of Light in the Library

My other Birthday: July 29th 2007

In a day like today three years ago I attended my first Spanish class in el Instituto Cervantes of Amman. In a morning like this one I did not know anything about the best thing that ever happened to me.

This picture was taken by me , using my mobile in the centers cafeteria few minutes before my first class started ,,, who ever thought that that linguistic crush would turn into the best love story my heart has ever felt!!!

All thanks are due to Allah ,,, may the years that come bring me more knowledge and a better grip of language and translation.

Its so big ,,, Crush crash

Today it ended ,,, well not inside me but on the ground

After all : who cares about the ground?

Non-automatic Countdown

27 Days for Granada

Today I called Lujain freaking out and asked her to remeber what things did we have to do when we went to Spain last year , and she satrted thinking ,arranging my ideas ,telling me stuff and giving me things to do.

Thank you lulu san :)