A Song Surfacing on my Subconscious

I did not have any sleep. Neither good nor bad sleep, I was rolling all night.  I had a lot of work for today (that I am postponing until I finish this blog entry) and I was sad when I went to bed. Nostalgic is the word. I miss someone (and I am not gonna post the name so it wont hurt later when I re-read this) and it is not that I cant see him, he is right there in front of me but my heart has anger!! (God! I never thought that I would ever feel this! Anger in MY heart?! how did that even happen).

It is really confusing. How someone could split your own heart for you, a part of you misses him and the other part just sits there being as hostile and aggressive as possible! (Well , who am I kidding, I am socially retarded).

So, as I slept I had a dream of a song of Om Kalthoom, I could not remember the whole thing when I woke up, I only recalled 4 words of it so I googled them , and it turns out that the song goes like this:

خاصمتك بيني وبين روحي وصالحتك وخاصمتك تاني
واقول ابعد يصعب على روحي تطاوعني لا يزيد حرماني
حافضل احبك من غير ما اقلك ايه الي حير افكاري
لحد قلبكما يوم يدلك على هواي المداري
ولما يرحمني قلبك ويبان لعيني هواك
وتنادي ع اللى انشغل بك وروحي تسمع نداك

ارضى اشكي لك من نار حبــــــــــــــي وابقى احكي لك ع الي ف قلبــــــــــــي
واقلك ع الي سهرنـــــــي واقلك ع الي بكاني
واقول يا قلبي ليه تخبي وليه يا نفسي منعاني


My sub-conscious has its own ways I must say.


Gahhhhh .... I am just gonna go work now, Bye

Doubt and Jealousy

 How can people live with the doubt? It is feeding on my soul. The other night I woke up at the middle of the night as the thought was puncturing the thin walls of my dreams that it woke me up.

I am sick ... physically and emotionally. I never experienced such a feeling. I never cared what is going between whoever, now I care and it hurts. The feeling of losing faith .... I waited so long until I could feel ''faith'' towards another human being, it was taken away from me so quickly that It makes me feel lonely and used.

For sure I know that I have not been cheated on, I am sure , and I am not even worried, but in spite of all the peace in my heart still the sight of this freaking woman makes me lose it ... I dont hate her, I feel sorry for her, I wish she could be happy somewhere else.

I wish that this world would end soon ,,, really , it gets complicated and there are no clear ends of the misery.

Ps: En la memoria de Señor Desveloso y la señora de las 4 niñas. Joder :)

Semana Santa de Granada: Those Topics that Might Erupt

Today I posted this on my Facebook:

في مثل هذا اليوم من سنة 2011 و خلال أسبوع الآلام في غرناطة، منع المطر موكب "عذراء الفجر" من الخروج إلى الشارع. و جرت العادة في أسبوع الآلام أن تخرج عذراء كل كنيسة في موكب إلى الشارع ترافقها فيه فرقة موسيقية مكونة من أبواق و طبول، و مباخر و باقات زهور يسبقها موكب من أطفال و
موكب من نساء يلبسن الأسود حداداً ، و يحمل التمثال شبّان ، و يزن التمثال الواحد ألف أو ألفين كيلو حسب حجمه و المادة التي صنع منها.

يتدرّب الشبان و الأطفال و النساء طوال السنة حتى يخرج موكب عذراء كنيستهم، وهطول المطر في موعد خروجها يعني ضياع مجهودهم طوال سنة كاملة.

عندما ألغي موكب عذراء الفجر دخلت لأصورها داخل كنيستها، كانت أقدامها ملفوفة بالنايلون و حولها موكب الأولاد ينوحون بشكل جماعي و يرافقهم رجال كبار في السن يبكون و يوعدون العذراء أنهم إن عاشوا عاماً آخر فسوف يخرجونها في موكب مهيب.

و بالرغم من أجواء الإيمان الاستعراضي التي تسيطر على أسبوع الآلام في إقليم الأندلس تحديداً، و بالرغم من التاريخ المشتبك و المعقد بين العرب و بين الاسبان، إلا ان رؤية اسبان القرن الحادي و العشرين يبكون لأسباب تتعلق بالآخرة، كان مشهداً نادراً، و يستحق الوقوف و التفكّر.

En la Semana Santa de 2011 , la lluvia impidió la salida de la Virgen de la Aurora. Aquel día entré a su iglesia para sacarle una foto a la virgen y allí dentro encontré los niños y los abuelos de la cofradía llorando como unas Magdalenas por no haber podido sacar a su Virgen a la calle.
Y a pesar de la historia tan compleja que compartimos los Árabes con los españoles, sobre todo en Andalucía pero esta escena de ver a españoles de este siglo llorando por motivos del mas allá fue una escena espectacular que es digna de un momento de meditación.

(El texto árabe es mas largo porque allí daba mas explicación de lo que se hace en una procesión)

Sooo

Today I paid attention that last week was the Holy Week. I really love this one and ever since I attended almost all the processions of the Holy Week of 2011 I feel a very personal bond with the event. In Spain it is huge and important, so, I wanted to mention it on my Facebook and I took a moment to think, I was worried that some of my friends will come up with a tiring religious or historical discussion.

You know, the discourse of ''we should never forget what they did to us" and that we should hate their religion that killed our people and so ,,, I wish that I would not have to give my ''artistic explanation'' but what can I do? this is how I see it, it is pure art, the music the sculptures and even the incenses. 

~Guhhhhh ~ I feel like I have a doze things to say in this aspect, why dont I sit down and write it? Maybe in the form of an essay or simply a letter to the old me, when I kept focusing in the historical conflict between the Arabs and the Spanish. A conflict that they themselves has forgotten SPECIALLY the religious part of it. 

I dont like it that their christian-ism is not that solid, but this is the way that it is and there is nowhere around it. 

Take Me Away: Fleeing Class

I was a good kid at school. Actually I was not that good but my school's walls were 5 meters high so I had to behave and hang on till the last moment of class.

In university I used to skip some classes but it was not a big deal as long as one is within the acceptable percentage of absences.

But in my Master programs skipping classes is a huge deal. Two absences and you fail the subject , Congratulations!

So eversince I became a masters student I became more responsible in this aspect (and many others of course , will mention them in different posts).

But today after finishing our first class (4 hours straight with an amazing scholar from Lebanon who came to give us two classes only) it turned out that the teacher of our second class has apologized and that we  are free to go.

It looked like some other teacher is preparing to come teach us something, and my mind was flashing the following words: I dont want to learn more stuff today, we are closed. 

So, I collected my stuff and Doaa and I went walking to the bakery, we bought a ridiculous amount of doughnuts and cookies and we decided to go sit in the pedestrians bridge!!

It is the weirdest bridge among all the ones I saw in Amman. It was my first time in it and I found it full of iron that it almost looked like the inside of a space shuttle. Yet it felt good as I managed to find a window with some air. 

We sat there talking a bit. We did not blab, Doaa was not in the mood and I was too busy looking at cars and people. Sitting on bridges turns me into an actual cat that can get distracted with a tiny ball of wool flying in the air. 

We sat reading, I was reading Tommalee's book , Doaa was reading a tiny book of poetry by Ibrahim Nasrallah and we used the last bit of battery in my mobile to listen to Bach's Tocatta. 

I also thought of Hemingway's short story The Old Man At The Bridge. I googled it and read a bit of it, I really love every line written by this guy and I love my 3G package that makes me feel so powerful that I can read whatever I want whenever I feel like it.

  http://rauschreading09.pbworks.com/f/The+Old+Man+at+the+Bridge+packet.pdf

Passers by where drawn to the scene of two girls reading on a bridge (come on, people on Amman are always drawn to the scene of two girls breathing) but we enjoyed ourselves (I can always enjoy myself as long as I have a cup of coffee).

The boys called us when they left class (yes! they took a class) and we stopped with Alaa and Omar trying to convince a taxi to take us but we failed. As I was not going with them (they were going to film a protest) I crossed the bridge to the other side and took a bus.

On its first stop the guy who went up was Sami. We took a seat at the back and we kept talking until we got to Amman. We tackled a thousand topics (we elaborate more than a couple of old retired men) he was making a list of our classmates who will have a good journalistic future and who are just gonna graduate and go do something else. So when it was my turn he said: you need to work in a place like Palestine, Iraq , Egypt, journalism in Jordan is gonna bore you, you need to become a journalist because you are really good with people.

This! Specially this, coming from Sami, the mayor of  ''Social Skills Landia'' is so huge, it actually made me day. And the bridge too :)))) 

Putting My Own Mind on Flight Mode: Singing in the Citadel

Today I was mad. I am never mad, you know: being mad requires effort and I would never waste effort on anything. But last week I was finally excited about a journalistic topic. Maybe it was the very first time in which I feel that I cant wait to get back to the place and start filming and editing to come out with the best reportage ever.

But my professor simply discarded the topic without even giving me an explanation. I have my own explanation and it is driving my crazy. And I guess crazy is somewhere beyond Mad!

So, as it is Tuesday and I have no classes I decided to give myself a break and stop thinking about everything. I can be terribly firm when it comes to putting my mind on ''Flight Mode''. I simply turn it off and worry about simpler things.

I left home a bit late, and I went to Jordan University Hospital's park. I sat there until Doaa came and we went together to Amman's Citadel.

We sat on the highest point we could find. We could see the entire site and the rest of the city. The weather was a bit cloudy so we could sit there with our eyes wide open , still we had to bare a cold breeze that blew every once in a while.

Later we had a walk till the dome. I dont know the least bit of information about the site, but for some reason I believe that the dome was constructed by the Omayyad. Anyhow , as we were inside we found a side hall. Inside there was a bench and a small window just a bit under the far ceiling.

I started singing a hymn and I felt as if I was floating on top of the echo of that hall. As I sang a bird came through the little window, it did not look real, it was as light as a thought. I saved the moment in this video: 

When I went home I went back the work track and I was Happy about it. Maybe this whole thing functions like a Restart Button of the Soul?

Peace 

Gabriel Garcia Marquez's 86th Birthday

Today is Marquez's 86th birthday, and I simply consider it a day of personal happiness. I love the fact that this world has a "Marquez" , I love the fact that "Hundred years of solitude" and "Love In The Times Of Cholera" had been written and that I  had the chance to read them at a young age. 

Writers contribute a lot to their readers, nations, the world , beauty and to literature. Yet what I am endlessly thankful for is that when they mention things they let you know that you are not the only one who goes through this feeling, or who sees things this way.

Gracias Por Existir  Gabriel , que cumplas muchos mas. Te quiero un mogullón 

Five Broken Cameras: The Yes and The No

Today in the institute we screened “Five Broken Cameras”. I did not have much ideas about the movie beforehand, I just knew that it was nominated for an Oscar and that it did not get.

I knew this little information because last week I was writing narration for a reuters report that covered the movie. They interviewed the director and he mentioned that his co-director was an Israeli who sympathized with people of Bil’in as they protested peacefully against the construction of the apartheid wall. 

 

Some film Festivals (for example: in Morocco) did not accept the screening of the documentary . It is boycotted because the producer was an Israeli.

 

So after we watched it , here is what I think:
It was boring at some points \ the narration was monotonous and sometimes a bit boring \  yet the same narration was splendid and it helped us feel and imagine the things that we were told.

 

The frames were not professional, but hay, this very guy was not the most comfortable camera man on earth, he lost five cameras already!

 

It actually stunned me how he could keep filming all the time, when the soldiers came over to him and yelled at him for filming them, or when the protestors were raided by gas bombs and even actual bullets. He did not stop filming even when his friend got shot neither when the Israelis came to his house at night to arrest him.

 

I hope that I will have this patience and courage to keep filming. I just know, that the best shots are taken when most cameramen are bored ,,,, yet the good ones are always ready.

 

The movie’s content was good and neatly arranged in a chronological manner that would look appealing to both, the Arabian and the foreign spectators.

 

Now the big No: I don’t believe in peaceful demonstration. I know this might sound ‘’terrorist’’ but come on, after sixty something years of combating with the Israeli occupation we have learned that ‘’peaceful demonstration’’ is  crap. Or maybe a luxury that we can’t afford.

 

Don’t get me wrong, who wants to get shot while protesting? But those things apply for people who are living a conflict way much simpler than the Palestinian\Israeli conflict. I think, the movie wanted to subtly deliver to the audience the fact that “5 years of peaceful protests did not stop the wall from slicing Bilin’’. It is in vain.

 

The Big Yes: Watch the embedded movie. It is about a screening in Israel where young Israelis were invited to watch the documentary. Listen to their comments, look at their faces and sighs!! I did not even think that it was possible, but they were genuinely moved by the movie!

 

No, I am not going to give a discourse of ‘’peace love and unity between bla bla bla’’ No, I won’t. But I just want to write down this feeling. But if we put aside the fact that I want them out of our land, I felt a human connection with them.

 

I will write a post soon about a book am reading. It is about Hebrew poetry. It just made me realize how we can’t see them as ‘’people’’, we can’t feel that Hebrew is anything but noisy gibberish. We are designed this way. Both sides.

 

I just don’t know how to wrap up a messed piece as this one, but there is some thinking, reading and wondering that I need to make.  

 

 

27 Dresses: Crush the Varnished Bitches. Thanks!

It has been ages since I last watched a movie but yesterday I had the house for myself so I treated myself to  nice dinner (rice and eggs) and I immediately checked MBC2 and I found 27 dresses on.

It looks like I watched some of it before but I did not remember the details so I really enjoyed it. It is not deep , mind stimulating movie , but it is nice and enjoyable.

It made me think of three things:

1- I did not use to understand people who feel lonely, people who feel the need to find their partner. I always thought of them as shallow and not friends of their own selves. Now I know that I was mistaken and it is a matter of the ticking biological clock. When it ticks, it just ticks you off.

2- Saying No is an art. We should know when and how to say it. We should know how to say it with the least amount of sacrifices, but if they are unavoidable then so be it!

3- I want a guy just like Kevin. The way he urged her to bring the best in her , and to liberate her inner ideas. To be herself simply. The way he made her laugh and the way he made everything simple and treatable. I want that. (among other things)

But what I loved most is the scene when she humiliates her sister infront of everybody. I know it is mean , and that sisters should not be that mean to each other but I just love it when the floor is wiped with those varnished bitches, who know nothing in the world besides seducing men and acting like total tramps. Ughhhhhhhhh I wish I could take one down someday for a change.

Peace (ironic?!)

Stranded at the Entrance of My Own House

Samer always makes fun of me being so attached to the streets, so yesterday he said: how about you try going home? who knows, you might even like it.

So, today I finished wandering a bit earlier and I actually went home. I knocked and knocked but found no one, so I sat in the entrance and connected my mobile phone to our wireless network. I watched the first few minutes of an old episode of Scrubs , and then I said to myself: well no!! this needs potato chips and falafel.

So I went down to Abu Ramzi and Hamada and I treated myself to a cute banquet of unhealthy food :p

I went back and I watched Scrubs and it made me laugh  all over again. (This never gets old!). I enjoyed myself too much that when I saw our cars´ lights in the driveway I was a bit disappointed.

Peace.

A Whole lot of Drafts

Why Do I keep doing this to myself! I have an absurd amount of drafts about things that I dont actually remember now!!

Today a new semester starts and I dont want to repeat what happened last semester. I dont want to waste the opportunity to write about all the amazing speakers who come to give us lectures in the institute and I want to write the details of every report I make, because I am evolving by the second and I want to keep track of that.

I first wrote about the institute here when I was still extremely gloomy and mad about it, and when I overcame that feeling I did not come back here to write what has drastically changed inside me. And although there is no written track of that transition but I will manage to remember it partially and I will try to write about it somehow here.

Now I am happy. Totally happy about becoming a ''Journalist".

Actually I remember a story of a guy who was learning to play the harp. So a friend told him: Dont say I am learning to play ,,, you are not learning , what you are doing is that you are actually "playing" it already. So ,,, I'd rather say that I ''am'' a journalist not ''becoming'' a journalist.

High Hopes :)))
Happy new Semester 

Why does this make me wanna cry?

Maybe it is the dark side of happiness, you know, when you are troubled with your own happy heart. When I was younger I used to think that it is just natural to be a little bit melancholic in weddings , because marriage is a life changing step, but no , this is not the reason why those things push me to the verge each time. It is something vague, yet so clear!!! Maybe it is the vanity of all human feelings ,,, Maybe it hurts to realize how simple , temporal and fading we are. Nice Palestinian wedding songs ,,,, Listen

Different Kinds of Celebration

Today we got together all of us. It puts my heart at ease when I notice that we are still the same although we are three years away from university , which is the place that brought us together and gave us a reason to hang out very often.

Today we celebrated Sara's engagement and Rasha's break up. And I insist on the word "celebrated''. God knows what's better for everyone and he puts us through experiences just to teach us something. Break ups are usually sad but we sat there to let her know that we are happy for her , that she is free and available for the right man when he comes.

Alhamdulillah.

The Best Way to Start a Year

This morning, the very first morning of the new year I found this video on Facebook. The photographer in question participated in a photography workshop in our institute and he happens to be Adel's brother!!!

Anyhow, those are some beautiful photos of last year and this is a very good work of montage they did there. Thumbs Up to Alghad newspaper.

Ps:  I have not posted anything in 45 days! I have a lot of drafts but those have been the most busy days in my entire life so far, Enshalla I will post those drafts sometime soon when it is my vacation.

Something More Than Beauty

It is not that she is beautiful ,,, but she is also full of Dignity

My Imaginary Extra Excited Audience in Amman Amphitheater

My classmates Doaa , Manal and I wento today shopping for winter shoes and clothes. As we left El Tilliani street I suggested we go to the Roman Theater.

I just love it there, the presence of this huge historical figure amidst of all the earthy things that surround is just relieving. I dont know how to explain it, but the Roman Theater just says: You can be unique and alone, no worries.

I stood in the center. The theater is designed in a way that concentrates the sound waves in that spot, the echo is just amazing and suspiciously clear. So I stood there and I started singing. I sang a couple of songs of Fairuz. Doaa was sitting on the stairs and she applauded as each song ended.

An English tourist stood there listening and then she said "Such a Lovely Voice".

I just loved her remark, it reminded me of the days when I used to believe in the other. When the other was a kind person who only comes from a different background. I just hate how experience ruined this for me and brought me to think that the other is someone who cant even imagine the details of my existence, and thinks of me as a belly dancer printed on a post card.

What brought that up!! It was a lovely evening, and to add more spice to it, after I left the Theater's guard went to Manal and said  to her: your friend must become a singer, Haram if she wastes that potential. 

I love you Blogger ,, You are the BEST

There is an Arab proverb that goes like this: "You will never know how nice I were until you experience others".

I would love to say this , may it be read to whoever it concerns , Thank you Blogger for being you. Thank you for being my first blogging experience. Thank you for being simple!!

Wordpress is obligatory for us in the institute and it is so freaking complicated! I know I know it looks similar to  blogger , but no , it is not user friendly , it is moody and it Right to Left templates are sooooo ugly.

I love you Blogger ,,, Never Give up on me

How I feel This Exact Moment

No matter how old and mature I become , knowing that I mean less to those who mean much to me will always hurt me.

Yet , it hurts even more , when you know , somewhere deep in your heart that you dont mean less to them , but their love is mixed with a severe amount of carelessness and a sense of vanity.

So you have them but you dont ,,, and maybe you love , but you actually dont.

At Least Not Everybody Has Gone Full Retarded :)

This is a relief!

Cheaters Must Be Sterilized .. Here, I said it!

Today I was attending students doing an exam in the university. It was a big exam with hundreds of students in every session. I had to seat them , check their identities and keep going around to make sure they dont cheat.

I dont know if it just me, or it is actually outrageous that university adults need someone to watch on them as they do an exam? How do they live with themselves as I come and pull the computer cases to the front , in a movement that says it clearly "I saw you looking at your partners screen , you tried to cheat and I am giving you a chance''.

Yet not only do I need to warn them , once or twice , I even take away their university IDs and tell them they are suspended from the exam and yet they dont shiver.

They dont feel the least amount of shame in front of  a room full of people. They dont feel guilty for raising the average on EVERYBODY. They know no shame ,,,,

Each time I do this job I just feel that this world is going to the ruins. Because in the time that cheating is considered a ''controversial'' topic where opinions are welcomed , then I think I dont want to live in this planet anymore!

Eric's Comment on Gay Marriage

I have a very nice American gay friend. He wrote this on Facebook telling his readers about question 6 that would legalize gay marriage in Maryland constitution. I loved what he wrote, it is way too far from the discourse that other homosexuals use to express their thoughts describing everybody else as Homophobes: 


 
Question 6 today is an amendment to the Maryland constitution that will offer equality to all

citizens of Maryland in their rights to marriage and to recognition as a couple in the eyes of the state.

I know that some of you have strong religious beliefs that do not align well with homosexuality or gay marriage; but I ask that you think not solely of your religion, but also of the rights of all people and the principles on which this country was founded. People always talk about the fact that America was founded on Christian principles; but it is important to remember that before those Christian principles, America was founded on freedom of religion. Our ancestors left England in order to exercise their religious beliefs free from persecution. Now, we live in a nation where we find diversity in religion however, we see people voting for laws that are founded on religious belief. How is it that we were founded on freedom of religion (and therefore the freedom to not practice one) but now we are taking religious beliefs and attempting to legislate them onto others who do not agree.

For those of you who's response to that is that an Amendment like Question 6 legislate, immorality (or a lack of religious belief) on those who belief that homosexuality is a sin, this is my response. Question 6 still protects your rights. This amendment allows religious institutions to deny requests of homosexual couples to have a marriage ceremony performed there. This amendment gives homosexual couples the right to wed and receive the legal benefits therein while also protecting your rights to exercise your faith. So, how is it hurting people?

And as far as using the term 'marriage' is concerned, I understand your concern. Even for me, the term 'marriage' carries a lot of religious connotations. However, at the same time, marriage is simply a word and nothing more. Does it matter what we call it or if we distinguish (in terminology) between a heterosexual marriage and a gay marriage? 1. By distinguishing between the 2 (even in terminology), we perpetuate an innate difference between the two which could lead to discriminated treatment between the two when our ultimate goal is equality between all people. 2. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" ... Words are simply words. They change with time, so does it matter what we name it, as long as everyone is allowed the same rights and are treated equally in the eyes of the law?

In conclusion, I ask that you vote FOR Question 6, not simply because it will benefit me in the future, but mostly because it would be a vote for equal treatment of people, regardless of their creed, beliefs, or whom they choose to love.

  
Now this is a comment that a friend left under the text that my friend wrote. I really loved the comment, it said what I felt and thought , but I could not express. It is simple , short and right to the point: 


 I voted against it, but I understand your concerns and desires. I'll always stand for the God defined principles of marriage and family. I love and sympathize with my gay and lesbian friends and relatives, but I must stand true to my principles at the ballot box. hugs!

Sometimes wile trying to be considerate and nice to people, one might forget that his principles being his\her principles are a good enough reason to stand by them. You cant make people believe in what you believe but you just need not go through a lot of  rhetoric to prove it.

Tv-Show Less!!

I first started watching "How I met Your Mother" when I was in Spain in 2009. I reached the end of the released episodes so I left the show and did not get back to watching it until there was a whole lot of new episodes.

Last week I finished the released episodes AGAIN and I was hanging there for a couple of days wondering: what shall I watch now?

So I went back in time and started watching a really old show, "Seinfeld" that was released in 1998 (the years I was born) and I really enjoyed it but I felt something that I have not felt in a long time while watching a show in English.

It is too American for me! Actually it is too New-Yorkian , because sometimes I find the audience of Jerry's show laughing , or the recorded laughter sound being played and I cant tell what is the funny part. It must be something that only people of that specific culture can understand.

And being as swamped with work as I am now, I have no nerves to sit and watch a show an research words and terms. I want something easy , and that would make me laugh. So now what?

I usually go on a website called watchseries. So today I noticed on its top ten shows a new show called Raising Hope. I watched the pilot episode and it is not bad. Maybe I will go on with it in both English and Spanish.

Ps: I still hope that I never discovered online streaming. It gives me much , but in exchange with a good portion of my life.

Wisdom Tooth: The First One Has Left the Buidling

After a couple of years of actual suffering, I finally took the decision and went to the dentist to remove my wisdom teeth.

I never pictured it this way. I never imagined that I would be there, on the couch calling the doctor's office and actually wishing that he would pick up! I was sure he was away for the Eid holiday and that I will have to wait. But as my brother was going out I asked him to check if the doctor was at his office or not. He looked out and he said: his car is parked here. And so he went and made the fastest appointment ever.

In 10 minutes I was dressed and on his chair. It surprised me that he remembered me although the last time we met I was 9 or 10 years old.

He was so gentle and professional I barely  felt a thing, but I love being sedated. It is really cool.

I am happy I found this video afterwards :p

One of those days ....

Today I spent the day in Al Bald with Nawaf. We got lost , we took a lot of buses , we ate lunch at Dar Esroor, and we stayed for hours on the terrace of Diwan Al douq.

One of those days ...

I Wish I Can Be More Supportive

 

~و قبل مجيء موثق العقود بقليل، أمسكني جدي من ذراعي و أخذني جانباً، و كرر علي الكلمات نفسها التي كان قد قالها لأمي قبل عشرين سنة: ما زال أمامك متسع من الوقت للتراجع، أرجوك ألا تتزوجي، فكري بالأمر جيداً. إشارة واحدة منك و سأتولى تفريق هذا الحشد، ما رأيك؟ لقد كان يعتبر الزواج صفقة مشؤومة بالنسبة للنساء، ولكنه كان يشجع أبناءه الذكور بالمقابل على الزواج دون تحفظ.~

إيزابيل الليندي - رواية باولا

Día de la Hispanidad: Quiero Descubrir Nuevos Mundos

No puedo decirlo suficientemente,,,, ¡Quiero marchar YA!

En un dia como este en 1492 Colon descubrió America,,,, yo también quiero descubrir algún lugar. Bueno, que no voy a descubrir nuevas tierras pero por lo menos un lugar que sea nuevo para mi. 

Me encuentro con ganas gigantescas de volver a Espana pero esta veza quiero irme a nuevas ciudades , a lo mejor irme al norte ,  o ir en coche a los pueblos de Andalucia. 

Durante las dos veces en que estaba en España, visitaba muchos lugares y me resultaba bien en aquel entonces, pero desde que empece' a estudiar periodismo empece a ver las cosas de un perspectivo diferente. No es suficiente que vaya a un lugar sin hablar con nadie, sin grabar algo o sin buscar un tema. 

Ahora me siento rodeada con temas que necesitan ser investigadas y debatidas, y justo por esto  quiero irme ya! 

Preaching is Much Easier than Applying

So today I sent this to my young students who are now enjoying their scholarship in Granada- Spain. I dont know If i may call them my students but I did teach them two entire courses, and I had conversation with them that lasted for hours and hours about how would it be in Spain. I might have uttered a million words in their presence during their last month in Amman.

دعوة إلى كتابة التقرير الشهري 

أدعوكم جميعاً إلى كتابة التقرير الشهري. و هو تقرير يتضمن عدة نقاط لتقييم مستوى المنحة. و هذا التقرير يكتبه كل حدا فيكم لحالوو يقيم فيه الناقط التالية 

- الاندماج الحضاري 

-المستوى في فهم اللغة (الاستماع) 

- المستوى في اللغة (محادثة) 

-المستوى في اللغة (قراءة) 

-الدائرة الاجتماعية الاسبانية (صار عندكم اصحاب و معارف ولا لأ) 

-الدائرة الاجتماعية العربية (لأي درجة انا مرتبطة في صحباتي الي معي)

-الدائرة الاجتماعية بشكل عام (بحس بالوحدة؟ بعرف ناس في اماكن مختلفة؟ بعرف ناس من حضارات مختلفة؟)

- إدارة البيت المسؤوليات (عم بينقص علي مصاري آخر الشهر؟ غرفتي نظيفة؟ غسيلي مغسول؟ بدفع الفواتير على الوقت؟) 

-الوضع الأكاديمي (بحضر محاضراتي؟ بسأل عن الي م بفهمو؟ بدرس؟ بحضّر؟ بحل واجباتي؟) 

- الوضع السياحي (على وين رحت هذا الشهر؟ شو الاماكن الي اكتسفتها برة غرناطة و جوا غرناطة؟ وين حابة أروح كمان؟ ) 

- وضع المشاوير (هل رحت على السينما؟ على المسرح؟ على مناقشة كتاب؟ على مظاهرة؟ على مباراة كرة قدم؟ على عرس؟ على البار اشرب قهوة؟ على مطعم جديد؟ على مكتبة جديدة؟ على دكانة جديدة؟)

- كسر الروتين (عم أروح عالبيت كل مرة من نفس الشارع؟ عم آكل في نفس المكان؟ بقعد في نفس البار؟ بركب في نفس الباص؟ بروح على نفس الاماكن مع نفس الناس؟) 

- الوضع الايماني و الروحي و النفساني (هل بروح على المسجد أو الكنيسة؟ بحافظ على الصلاة؟ بدعي؟ بتواصل مع الله كل فترة؟ هل بحب حالي و بعرف حدودي؟ هل بحترم الآخرين و الىخرين بحترموني؟ هل بحكي الي بقلبي؟ هل بتواصل مع اهلي و صحباتي في الأردن؟ هل بسوي اشياء أغيّر جو حالي؟ هل بفرّح الي حوالي باشي و بساعدهم اذا احتاجوني؟) 

هسا صار مارق شهر، اكتبوا عن هذا الشهر و اعرفوا انه تقريباً الجزء الأسوء مرق، يعني الوقت الي كنتو فيه متشريدن و مش عارفين تاكلو و المصاري عم تطير منكم و مش عارفين الشوارع و لا الناس ، هذا كلو خلص. 

مش بدي اضغط عليكم، بس ضروري تاحظو فرق في الشهر الثاني و تبدو تركزو أكثر على اللغة. 

ملاحظة لله و الوطن : ما بدي أتدخل في كتابة تقاريركم بس لما توصلو لعند نقطة الدائرة الاجتماعية الاسبانية ما تقسو على حالكم، لنو هذا الموضوع عن دون كل المواضيع هو موضوع نصيب، مرات الواحد بيكون اجتماعي و بياخد و بيعطي بس ما بيصير عنده اصحاب، و مرات بيكون الواحد قاعد في حاله و بيجي عليه حدا و بيضرب معه صحبة هيك بدون سبب. فالجزء الي ما إلكم سلطة عليه لا تفكرو فيه، و ساوو الي عليكم ، ضلو روحواماكن جديدة و اتحركشو في الناس و ان شاء الله ربنا بيوفقكم باصحاب كراميش تستفيدو منهم و تحبوهم.

Yet , when I look at this report petition it just hits how easy it is to preach. When I was in their place it was so hard for me to keep things as straight as this and to keep my life as organized as it would look on a piece of paper. 

Still this is how things go when you are advising people whom you love basing your advise on your experience. It is like parenting,. You dont want them to go through what you want through , still you cant protect them , and a part of you wants them to know the real deal ,,,God , it is so hard to be good at this

A Translation: Great and on Time

Ever since I learned Spanish and started translating ,  today was the first time I turned in a paid translation and on time.

all the translation jobs that I did before were voluntarily and not paid. Most of them were not serious. They did not lack good grammar or good structure but they did not teach me anything discipline-wise.

This time It was actual work with actual money and we had to deliver it to the original writer who studied in Spain many many years ago, so he could not translate but he could edit and he said that the translation was great!

The day before we turned in the translation I worked for 15 hours straight! I even took out my sandd clock, each time I flip it , it gives me 5 minutes and I was as fast as the sand.

Now as the translation has been turned in and the money paid and the sand has settled (hehehe this is funny, the sand in the clock as well) I feel good about my level. Getting to translation has always caused me a situation of ultimate paranoia, because it is something extremely important to me and it is one of very few things in the world that I cant accept being less than PERFECT in. I remember the step back I used to take while facing a translation fearing that I might not be bale to finish it or -even worse- not be able to accomplish it.

But when I look at this job and I find that I translated a really hard historical text , and from Arabic -which is my mother tongue- to Spanish -that is my FOREIGN language- I find myself relaxed and confidence.

I have a feeling that I am unbeatable and therefore I am waiting for the net job with sincere eagerness. 

One Plate for Two

Well , I dont know what exactly to share, what to document for this specific day, but yet I dont want to forget it because it was nice.

Today a friend gave me a poem, he said that it is dedicated to me, although it was not ABOUT me. I tried to understand why was it dedicated to me, why did I get to decide its title, yet I believe that this is for the days to decide.

What I like about the new me (a recent concept that I am having concerning my ownself) that I got the ability to wait and meditate ,,, and just leave the world take its course while I sit back and write about it.

I am Thankful for the things you said on my behalf

Today after class I felt the urge to eat cup cakes!! A sudden urge that I rarely fulfil, but as we were in Isra's car (a girl from my class) she drove us to a cake shop and I went in to buy with Manal (another class mate from Ghaza).

I looked a couple of times at the guy who was attending us and I felt I recognised him , I then asked him: is your name Odai? he said: yes, how did you recognise me? and I was like: we all know, I for myself I love you! And manal - who has recently arrived to Jordan- was stunned , she did not know that this guy was Odai Abi Issa the guy who was arrested after burning the kings picture in Madabam she though i was suddenly flirting with a random guy hahahaha.

I was a bit embarrassed to be face to face with one of the 7irak guys. I always feel guilty that they are the ones who go out to the streets every Friday demanding our rights on our behalf. They get chased, bit and arrested for us and we dont even thank them or support them.

It was a great treat of the evening to see his fair face and smile... I just hope, deeply hope that we will get to reform our own country without young guys like him being arrested and attacked by Baltajyye ,,, I hope we pay the least price possible and not lose the few things that we accomplished as a young country. Ya rab 

Orientation in my new place: Jordan Media Institute

Well Well Well .... I think I am liking it, I signed the contract and now I am tied down, so I might as well enjoy the ride.

Belonging: My Little Corner of The World

Today I went to Dr Huseein's office to show him translation. We did not actually read through my Arabic text but he answered some of my main concerns in translation.
Basically my concern about being faithful to the original text. He talked thoroughly about how we can deceive the text for its own good, because if we worry too much about the literal translation we might simply ruin the message of the text.

He talked to me about translation in general , translation of Quran ,,, we even got to talk about faith and E3jaz and our responsibility as translators to show the world the treasures of Arabic poetry.

I had to wait for him for a while so I just sat down in his office translating silently while Dr Moayyad worked on the other table. I looked at the scene and I was happy , we were three Huspanistas in one room , two with Phd's and loads of research papers and me , the Me that is going in this direction with my heart full of passion and faith.

I thought: Would I -in some lucky and wild scenario- end up in the same office many years from now, but being the doctor? Ahhhh ,,,, my heart floats upon a lake of joy.

A translator is a martyr  ... a person who keeps running between two shores ... a translator is a person who is worthy of their oxygen. 

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No quiero bajar de mi columpio ,,,, quiero que

 siga meciéndome hasta que el mundo desvanezca 

Contra El Viento: El Primer Libro in Castellano Desde Hace Mucho Tiempo

Este blog empezó mucho antes de que yo tuviera el nivel suficiente para escribir entradas en español, y lo estoy pensando estos días para seguir en contacto con el idioma lo mas posible.

Acabé este libro tras una largo jornada intentando. Lo había prestado de la biblioteca del Cervantes , leí un capítulo y luego tenía que devolver el libro. Y aunque no lo devolví pero ya me entraron las angustias del ''libro retrasado'' hasta que se me ocurrió un día buscarlo en internet y lo descargué en mi kindle.

El libro contaba la historia de una mujer de africa que viajó a Europa buscando la vida y como pudo traspasar las dificultades de su realidad para sacar a delante a su hijo y a si misma también.

Había párrafos en el libro que yo hubiera escrito si mi pusiera a escribir sobre mi experiencia en Europa, los momentos en las que uno se da cuenta de que es diferente y de que se destaca fácilmente entre las multitudes.  También cuando hablaba de su amor a su novio que mas tarde se convirtió  en su peor pesadilla me daba un momento para parar y pensar. Con la edad que tengo aun tengo la oportunidad de elegir bien , la oportunidad para  ser feliz, equilibrada y libre hasta siempre.

Era un buen libro y merecía la pena (con las docenas de vocabulario que he sacado del diccionario)

The First Drops of Rain: Generous September

Yesterday Dana and I repeated last year's trip of September to Jordan street, and while there it rained a tiny bit ,,, those drops were it but am waiting for winter with all my heart ... I miss rain. 

Leo: The Death of a Pet or a Friend?

Two days ago I was talking to my Mom about Leo. Leo is Andres'es dog. The only dog in my life, I literally stated to Mom -in that unthought conversation- that I missed him and that am planning to see him , especailly him when I go to Spain.

Today I read a post written by Ana , and she was saying good bye to Leo! Leo simply died! He was old already but as we always do , we think that the souls that we love are never gonna leave us.

The news left me a little bit shaky, I wanted to see him at least once more and feel his fur and his warmth. The pounding of his heart inside a chest that does not belong to a human being was a whole new experience for me, he taught me something ... I did not love dogs, I did not see a human perspective in pets ,,, they were animals but I did not know that they can be friends and in the few times that I dealt with him he was generous to me, he was nice and he came closer to me not caring about my negative vibe and he won my heart.

It turned out that the dogs thing is not only for spoiled superficial people, dogs DO change you ..

I will miss you Leo ...

Amman Book Fair: A Breeze From That Direction

Yesterday I went to Amman International Book Fair. I came back home really happy, I enjoyed every bit of it and it gave me that adrenaline rush that I usually get while being around books and writers.

I thought of those ideas as I wandered: 

- Books are not supposed to be neat: 

I thought of this as I passed by a pile of books printed in Baghdad. It brought back memories ... Well not memories , because you cant remember things that you have not actually lived, but the Jordanian students who studied in Iraq always described little dusty shops in narrow streets, where they bought used books with the actual handwritings of their former owners. So I enjoyed the fair and everything, but I know that ''books shopping'' has to be a little bit more dusty than what we have now. 

- Nawwaf is the Best Book Shopping Companion:

We were as happy as a couple of puppies in a green meadow. We were so happy , I dont recall being as happy in a long time. We stopped infront of shelves and tables and he commented the writers, criticised the contents and we made loads of fun commenting the prices (he was almost broke, and I was getting there hehehe). He has read most of the important titles, and he has a general idea about almost everything (No Exaggerations Included) but yet he was like: do you really want this book? and I would be like: yes yes , then he would say: Ok, then have it. This is an interesting curve in his behaviour, maybe I should make a post about it (wait for it).

-When You Expect En Awkward Situation , It Stop's Being That Awkward: 

I was there with Sara, her work colleague Shurooq and Nawwaf. It was socially awkward in the best of all ways :) 

-When I See A Famous Face I Become Hostile In a Way: 

When I was standing next to one of the stands I saw a well known Jordanian female writer. I recognised her but I did not say anything, then a girl who was by my side started a very simple conversation that goes like this '' are you Flane el flanyye?" and the writer was like yes yes, and the girl said Oh I hope i had your book on me , I would have loved to have signed by you , I read all your work , pretty amazing. They both smiled and then they went away. Why could not I just make that conversation? Well , a tiny confession, I hate to be not remembered and I know that those conversations tend to be forgotten , so ^_^ 

-The Love of My Life Must Have Something To Do With the Books Industry: 

A Lebanese gentle man was representing an editorial (Dar Al Saqi) and he stood there explaining to three guys about a novel , then the other and then the other. He was describing the novel in a very neat way that showed that he has actually read all the books and he talked about them as if they were friends or family. He mixed Lebanese accent with very neat classical arabic. I was dazzled and I bought a book. 

Nawwaf made fun of me, he said I bought the book because of the guy. I could not exactly contradict him :p

I remember the guy who sold me a book in Central Bookshop in Barcelona. I would never forget that face, that firm and tranquil smile as he put down the book he was reading, he gave me the book and the ticket and asked me to come back again. (Oh Dear lord, what i would do to be back in el Barrio Gotico de Barcelona!) 

-Coffee People are Different from Non-Coffee People: 

We - people who drink coffee- start considering the possibility of finding coffee as soon as we arrive to any new place. So, when we were done with the book shopping (or the money actually) we went out and we had coffee and a smoke. It was nice. Smooth and full of short encounters with people from the past, I ran into an old friend who used to write in the same magazine with me, so he presented me to a friend who was with him as the ''novelist'' Takwa Masadeh. That was huge after all that time -6 years since I published the novel- and he asked me if I had anything on the way and Sara was like ''Deaaaaar Lord yes!'' .... I love how Sara reproaches me about this specific thing ... I got energy ,,, I should take things more seriously ,,, I should ,,, God , guide me through the maze of my mind. 

The After-math 

Welcome to my little corner of the world. 

P.S: When I ame back from the fair I was full of energy, I wanted to write a huge post about it, but in that moment we had to go visit a relative who had a baby girl. I came back tired and could not write until today. I hate this about my life, time slips by while we are doing erathy stuff ,,, just stuff 

The Little Girls are Off to Granada

This morning my young friends who got Erasmus (11 young ladies) left to Granada at 6 a.m.

I dont know why I did not mention them here although I have been hanging out with them most of the time lately, wither in the university or on a facebook group that I started for their questions about the scholarship and life in general in Spain.

Yesterday I called the entire group one by one wishing them a safe trip. It was weird how the circles of life go. They are still worried about the things that I worried about two years ago and came to realize that they were not the real challenge.

Yet last night I felt a huge burden ,,,, my heart was pressured with the thought that it might be a long time until I get to see Spain again. I start Masters next week and I will be studying and not working , therefor  I wont have money ,,, am not sure If I can go visit them (as we are all planning) and I cant process the possibility that something (wild thing) would happen and forbid me from going.

I miss Spain so bad ,,, I wish we did not have to go through all that hassle to get there,,, no money and no visas and no long long process in offices ,,, I miss my happy place. But I pray all the time for my little girls, that they get the best out of their experience and they get to speak better Spanish than ever.

I Am Thinking About Much

I have not been posting much lately. Later when I browse those days I will feel that -by then- I have not had anything going on, but the thing is that am thinking about much, and there is much stuff going inside my head.

Listen to this piece by Ahmad Al-Khatib. It takes a part of me to the land of no return each time I listen to it.