Deep Breath

For the last three months I had a lump under my right arm. I postponed examining it, I dont know why and with time I just said to myself  ´´If it turns out to be a tumor  , I will take it easy´´.

Today I went to the university´s clinic with Ahmad. He did not know why I was there but he came with me. I went in and the doctor examined the lump and she said it does not look serious, that it is a natural swelling under the skin and it will eventually disappear.

When I went out -and for a vague reason- I felt disappointed! It is not that I was welling to have cancer, but I had my feelings prepared already. When I went back to the waiting room Ahmad looked at me with his very big eyes and he did not ask. He just looked straight into my eyes.

For a vague reason too, I felt like crying infinitely.

But I did not cry. 

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لا أريد لهذه القصيدة أن تنتهي

An Artistic Scare

Today a friend of mine had a ''vision'' and he experienced a break down , crying , sweating and a drop in his blood pressure.

We were the scene in the corridor of Faculty of Arts. God how uncomfortable was I!

I know I should see it differently , but this is what I think of public demonstrations of emotion: They are uncomfortable. 

Will I Ever Know?

Today I was trying to remember all the arguments I have been through with women. I have always been severly defeated and never actually was able to tell the difference, the truth , the reason or the motive for what was going on.

When I get into arguments with women they just use feelings , tears and some serious interpretation of every word that has ever been said. I am asked weird questions and I am interrogated about actions that I have done without the least thought.

I normally tend to say sorry although I dont know what I did or why is my friend so mad at me.

But I think I deserve that , because I am dumb :)

PS: I asked Mom, and when it comes to these things she is as dumb as I am. 

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الكآبة لا تفنى و لا تستحدث و لكن تتحول من شكل إلى آخر

I Got My Graduation Gown

Through out the years I have talked to the strangers walking down the university with their graduation gowns. I have always congratulated them , and as I was walking with my gown I was surprised that no one talked to me! I know how childish this sounds, but for me, the ability to talking to strangers has always been the criteria by which I measured the ''good spirit'' of a day or a place.

Alhamdulillah , after a while a girl in her first year -whom I dont know and have never seen- said with a gasp: Oh!!! MAbrooooooooooooooooooooook!

She made my day , along with Rasha taking a picture of me when she saw me coming. 

New ID Card

Today I got a new ID Card. It's me first time to renew a card because the expired one was my first.
I remember when I first got that ID card that I said two things to myself:
1- It's the Governments first time to know my face.
2-What will happen in my life with me holding this ID?

Many things have happened actually. I got a Passport with which I went to Pilgrimage and to Spain 3 times. I even stayed for 4 hours in Rome!
I missed an election, but I could have voted if I were here. (Not that big deal when you see the surreal parliament that we got after that election).  


What will happen this time? It expires after 10 years! Many things can happen in 10 years. Will I get married with this exact ID? (this mere thought scares the hell out of me) Will I die? Do they need an ID for burial purposes?

For now, I got an ID and I can go to the bank and get my 45 JD payment that I got for teaching a course in January in the university. As simple as that! 

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أتمنى - في خضم كل ما أتمناه - أن أجد نفسي و بقدرة قادر في بغداد أحلامي ، عندما كنت أنا صغيرة ، و كانت الأشياء جميلة ، وكانت أغاني كاظم الساهر نابعة من الروح بالرغم من شعره الخشن ... بغداد أحلامي أنا فقط

Looking Back

Ever since you left I have not looked back. I took the matter of nostalgy in my own hands.
It was clear inside my soul and mind that the two persons that we are, are no longer connected by any human mean of communication. That invisible cord that brings people together, has been cut between us once and for ever.

But today I took part in a very deep, hard and complicated philosophical and existential discussion. It took place in a class of ''Literature Criticism" and it got pretty serious. I was debating with very smart and intellectual people. Too intellectual to be true. One of them was my friend Ali , I walked him to the main gate and we kept on debating.

When he left I was physically tired. I was worn out. And in that exact moment I missed you so bad, that I looked back and wished I could call you.

For the very first time in 6 months I wished that we were still friends -or whatever was the thing that we used to be- , I hoped it was Ok if I just sent you a text telling you that I would like to see you and talk to you.

I was existentially tormented and I needed your face. I wanted something as solid as that.

I missed how smart but peaceful you were - or you are! Why do I keep using the past tense?! - , and for the very first time ever I loved how cold blooded an neutral you can be. Sometimes we need a neutral friend who would make the big questions look less aggressive. But mostly, sometimes we need to share silence with a dear face and just make-belief for a teeny tiny moment that everything is gonna be ok.

But none of that matters. I know that I cant call you nor can I ask you to come see me.

Friendship is a luxury that an existentially tormented person like myself cant afford.  

Ahmad Said Something

Today Ahmad and I had our first proper and serious one-to-one class. As he revised the exercises with me he was pleased with my practice and he said and I quote:

تقوى أنا بتحدى فيكي .. بعد شهرين حا أجيب طارق يسمعك .. انا لسة ولا مرة جبتلو حدا من طلابي يسمعو

And I converted into this meme immediately!! 

Is he that sure that in two months I will be good enough to be presented to Tareq!!
First I was overwhelmed, then burdened with the responsibility but now I am simply happy and looking forward to practice.

I have the best teacher in the world :) After all  those years.

The Muslims Are Coming :p

A friend sent this to me today, she asked me about mu opinion in the way Muslims are portrayed and if what they said about themselves was fair to our belief.

I watched it a couple of times and I got to the conclusion that this is too smart!
I know that some of the content may not totally get along with the teachings of Islam, but it's a matter of marketing. You cant sell Islam as a whole package , because lets face it: Our teachings are so weird when compared to what the world is actually living.

Things like Hijab, not having pre-martial sex and not drinking are too weird for the western mentality and you cant ''make'' them understand those details , unless you are smart enough to make people listen to you first, understand the basics of their belief and then get to understand the application of belief in daily life.

There is no better way than comedy to make people hear you.

It has happened many times that I found MYSELF laughing at stand up comedians who were describing Islam as a terrorist belief and Muslims as born terrorists. But I was like: In spite of the truth, this shit is so funny!

So as they made me hear them ,now its muslims turn to present something appealing that would make people hear them too.

Way to go :) 

My Family in the Theatre

Today My Family came to the university today to watch a play I told them about. It was nice of them to actually change the routine for once in our life. It was great to have them although Najeh-junior cried a lot during the play. Bombings and airplanes scared him hehee 

Too Much Art is Too Much Pain - Part I

Today was ''one of those days''.

My friends and I attended the Oriental Music Concert presented by the teachers and students of the Faculty of Arts and design. Ahmad -my Oud Teacher- told us about, and we went to watch him and give him our support.

We walked all the way to the Faculty talking and laughing, specially as one of us -not gonna say who- was going to go there for the very first time after her break up with a guy who studies arts. She wanted to attend the concert and we all told her that she should not skip things that she likes just for the sake of avoiding him. (We were so extra extremely happy for her).

The concert was divided into two parts. The first one was pure music ,2 Ouds , a Cello , two violins and a percussionist. They had a great choice of pieces (I videotaped most of the things, I might upload them soon but I will have to ask first if I may or may not).

They played those pieces:




Ahmad performed alone. I could not see me, but I knew that my eyes were twinkling. He has a charm on stage Mashalla!! And -in a tricky way- I felt a bit proud because I would look at the audience and say: Oh, Ahmad? well he is my Teacher .... :evil smile:

I also saw Ahmad's Teacher, Tareq. (This would make him my musical Grandpa hehehe) only today, he played Cello , which is weird , because when you think of Tareq you immediately get the image of a Oud :)

The music was so astonishing (I still have not got the terminology to describe exactly what I heard) I just know that most if has touched my heart and I smiled as a child.

Meanwhile I was taking pictures I noticed the facial gestures of each player ,,, those are little beautiful words ... Obaida the violinist, her face was like: Ohhhhh I love Music ,,,, Ahmad's eyes were like that of a child unfolding a gift ,,, but Tareq was soooo professional , he kept his gestures straight.

There was a singing part ,,,,
Is it that I intentionally hate girls or they just sucked? Two guys presented two magnificent songs.
(Oh I really feel the urge to upload the videos!)

During the concert I was giggling with Nusaibah, Huda and Ali. He kept saying ''Allah'' along the show and I loved how serious he was as he said them ,,,, We were purely happy and we clapped so hard when Dr Ayman Tayseer presented Ahmad to the audience. Ahmad was so touched by our presence that when I met him later in the evening he delivered some great news (That I will mention when the moment comes)

This day has more and more in it but I will keep on writing tomorrow , now I need to sleeeep :p

This Has got on my Nerves

I love Rajae Qawwas (who does not?) And those two episodes were really funny and they were a successful change in the rhythm of both of their shows, Rajae's show and Tima's show.

But on a different level the story line has got on my nerves. They portrayed a common love story that takes place in a company between two office colleagues. When the boy -Rajae- started analysing her as a ''date possibility'' he thought of her hair, her weight and her general look , therefore he decided that she is ''suitable'' and therefore he made his move.

As for her, she analysed his physical appearance then she checked his car , and so she accepted his move and they started going out with each other for the lunch break.

The way that the relationship evolves is merely disgusting. I know I know that I am such an irrealistic person -given the actual way of ''hitting it off'' with guys- but I still believe that there is something  in male-female relationships  more than just ''mating'' or ''filling a vacancy''.

Not every man is a possibility, not every woman is a possible prey!! I used to think that when I was a hormonal young stupid teenager, but now I know that people are just ''people we know'' until they prove themselves as something else (best friends, friends , acquaintances ... or Maybe the Love of Ones life) but this shoe-shopping method is preposterous (Sho-Shopping: Keep trying shoes until one fits).

At the end of the second episode (WARNING: Spoilers Alert) she tricks him into getting back together with her and proposing to her. And she insists on the example that: ''Men are like footballs, hit them against the wall and they will bounce back to you".

May I be mad with this reality?
Is is much when I ask for a man not a boy? a person whom you can rationalize with and not him so he will bounce back?
I can manipulate people (Oh Dear heaven I CAN) but I prefer dealing with them on human basis and treat as grown ups! Damn!

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Nostalgia for what we have lost is more bearable than nostalgia for what we have never had.... 

~Mignon McLaughlin~

A Long Day

Today was a long CIEE-ing day. CIEE -If I have never mentioned this here- is a company where all my friends has worked, a company that facilitates a Jordanian Life for American students who come to Jordan in order to learn Arabic.

Normally with CIEE we try all kinds of  Jordanian experiences, things that maybe for being ''locals'' we have never done. For example today we went to the Jordanian Diplomacy Institute and their we had a conversation club.

It was mediocre. I thought that students of the Diplomatic Program are gonna be politically amusing, and they would lead a more challenging conversation.

So, some mental notes that I have taken about the institute:
*I hate being obliged to dress formally :(((.

*Sometimes people look pathetic as they reject a new idea without even considering it. They look weak and sad as they find themselves unable to defend what they think is right , or what they have been taught as kids and never actually assessed later on.!! 

After that we went back to the university. I went to pick up me Oud , it was with Fares. We hung out on the stairs with the entire deanship group, but something weird happened today. A guy was asking about the syntactical explanation of  a verse in the Quran. I participated in the conversation because I love Arabic syntax ,its so challenging and it has been the only type of ''math'' that I excelled at.

But the verse was so hard. We were almost ten people trying to analyse it. So Batool had to call her brother in Law Motasem -who is majoring Arabic literature along with a BA in Sharia'a- and he explained it to us.

Nothing weird so far no? Later in the conversation I found out that the guy who was asking about the explanation is christian and he was claiming that Quran has grammatical mistakes that we - the Muslims- ignore in order to make our book look perfect. 

See this meme?
That was my reaction. It is not that I dont respect people's opinions but the way he was insisting on the alleged ''syntactical mistake'' was so pathetic! Why? because if your Arabic is not good enough you cant come and criticise Quran.
I am not saying so because I am a Muslim, but because I am an Arab who happens to be great in Syntax. Quran has the greatest syntactical structure that I have ever seen. Not only me, but many many other learners of Arabic, both muslims and non-muslims.

Here is a thing , and the other is that the Deanship is the last place where I thought that I would witness such a conversation. In the Deanship people mostly debate if God exists, so witnessing a debate about ''which religion is better'' was kind of a variation on the show.

Anyway, Good luck buddy with your syntactical search and have fun with the youtube videos that discuss such mistakes. heheheheheh :p

Facebook Status: Racism

كان لي اليوم تجربة حضارية تنويرية مع شوفير تاكسي يحمل هم فني عظيم و عميق، تعلمنا منه أن حسين السلمان كان كونترول باص قبل أن تأتيه النبوءة الفنية، و ان "شعب" الرمثا لم يقم بإنجاحه و إنما "الشعب الفلسطيني" الساكن في البقعة. 

كلمات احدى الأغنيات المسجلة بصوت سائق التكسي شخصيا و التي كانت تلعلع طول الطريق و هنا يخاطب الشاعر المحبوبة قائلاً:

والله لألعن شرفهم .. اهلك هالفلسطينية 

والله ألعن شرفهم .... أهلك هالأردنية 

و من هنا نرى مقدار اللُّحمة و الأخوة بين الشعبين ، لم يفرق بينهم شارع الأردن، فالطبربوريون و البقعاويون اخوان (مش مسلمين) ....و من الجدير بالذكر أنني عرطت عليه بأني أكتب الشعر النبطي فطلب رقم هاتفي "لنتعاون فنياً" فرفضت و قلتلو: أنا عندي أهل يقطعوني حتت 

الله يقبّرهم اياك أهلك!!! 

I think the status covers the story! 

I normally keep silent in Taxis no matter how the driver tries to force me into the conversation. But this one, he just asked for it so badly and so I  gave him a piece of my mind. 

We had a good laugh when we got off the Taxi. We were three , me a Jordanian citizen with Jordanian roots , Batool a Jordanian citizen with Palestinian roots and Aliet a Palestinian citizen with a Jordanian residency. We were able to laugh at the scene and forget about it ,,, why is so hard for the others to do so? And no, I am not criticizing the others because it would make me look better , it is because this racism thingy is so important to a relatively big portion of my society. 

I think - sadly - that it would take a long time before we , as a nation , get to accomplish anything as long as we are so worked up with a matter like this one. 

It works sometimes!

I just made a personality test online. I usually tend to hate those things because a part of me goes on showing off and it's really hard to control it. I tried to be as honest as possible and I got an answer that is close to who I really am!

Results of your
How Do Others Perceive You? Quiz

You scored a total of 44 

The Lively Center of Attention Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

Sometimes I dont get my Family

Today my parents picked me up from the deanships stairs. I was there with a bunch of boys from the Theatre group and Nusaibah.

I know for a fact how my family hates how do artists look (writers, actors , musicians , painters) all of them. And they hate to see me hang out with them. I got to the car and I waited for a tornado of yelling , but NOTHING!! Actually they wanted to know more about the guys and they showed genuine interest in knowing their stories!!

I can never know what to expect!
Confusing!

In my Very Own Bubble

I have always had my headsets placed next to my ears and covered with Hijab. But I have never listened to music while in class.
I did not do it for various reasons , mostly because I am always curious to hear what do the lecturer have to say, no one is ''full of crap'' , there must be something.
But today in Military sciences class I realized in the very first minute that the lecturer should have done anything but never should have addressed an audience. It is not something easy , nor is it something that everybody is supposed to excel at.

So , I turned on my Mp3 and I listened to this Oud piece by Maestro Ahmad Al khatib ,,, I repeated it a lot and I ws floating inside my very own bubble.

I was alone and happy and I kept my head fixed , although I wanted to swing it as the music took me away.

Listen to it. Its a bless 

The Life that I have been Deprived

It was a little incident, it lasted for how much? 30 seconds? But it made me consider fleeing my life and my home. The idea of fleeing has not crossed my mind for a long long time now, but today as I entered the backstage of my university's theatre , it came back strongly and insistingly.

After I spent the evening practising Oud with a friend called Fares, a guy from the university's choir called Yeyha asked me if he can borrow my Oud. I gave it to him and we agreed that I will be back in half an hour to take it. But when I came back all choir students where gone and I freaked out a little until Nusiabah found them practising in the theatre.

The theatre's curtain was drown and it was hot between the backstage and the curtains velvet , but they were playing all the instruments and singing under a yellow light. It was a Haiku moment! It was poetry.

I know that if anyone of the choir people get to read this , they would laugh. It is something they do everyday , its hot and sticky and it requires a lot of effort and practice. But ,,,, I felt so sad and left out. I have loved theatre my entire life. I have loved the darkness backstage and the alluring light when the curtains that separate the audience from the performers is moved away. This is what I wanted to do , what I wanted to have as a fixed part of my existence.

I know how this sounds (I know how this post looks) ... I love my life and the things that I do, but the character that God granted for me is not the character of a shy translator who works in the shadows of writers and languages. I love Adrenaline and I enjoy challenge and the mini heart attacks that come before and after astonishing events.

Performance was supposed to be my thing, but what happened actually? I was so shy that I popped my head inside their recital , even though I had every right to go in and get back my Oud!

Lately, many things have changed. I have came out of my intellectual closet.

I attended a class -and it ruined my superficial peace with life- and the teacher got me to show her what I write. For the first time in years I fed on compliments and I accepted feedback. A thing that I have not done since high school. And now that I am out, discussing my thoughts ,defending my ideas and exhibiting my beliefs I got back the feeling in some numb parts of my existence.

Also lately , I left my old Oud ''instructor'' and I started taking lessons with a different Teacher. My new teacher is a dedicated musician. He studies music, works and lives on music. It is not a hobby or a thing on the side, it is The Thing of his life. And that also made me think: why did I decide that my Oud performance belongs only to me and to my family and friends? There is an entire world beyond those.

I know that things are not that easy, and I dont plan to be a star , but today , behind that curtain I was purely sad , and I felt that I have lived a life that is not mine just because I wanted to avoid some battles, with society , with my family and with myself above all.

I want to flee this life. I just need to -at least- say so in a place rather than my own head.

I am a Graduate!!!

After 5 years I actually went and got my graduation picture. I feel as if it's happening to someone else ,,, it is not me who is going to leave this little make belief amazing world of JU.

It's me ,,,

It's Happening to me.

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Nusaibah took this picture of me after we were done with our Fettuccine plates in "Sareena Snack". We had ''one of those conversations and I felt a terrible existential emptiness.

I posted the picture on my account with this caption from Darweesh's poem "Al Jidaryya":

وكأنني قد متُّ قبل الآن …

أَعرفُ هذه الرؤيا ، وأَعرفُ أَنني

أَمضي إلى ما لَسْتُ أَعرفُ . رُبَّما

ما زلتُ حيّاً في مكانٍ ما، وأَعرفُ

ما أُريدُ …

سأصيرُ يوماً ما أُريدُ

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~ليل العاشقين طويل و لكن نهار العويّدة أطول~

Although it sounds so childish!

Grown ups are supposed to know a couple of things, things that are set by default under the category of "The Ugly Truth". For example: "Looks are more important than brains" ... Everyone is supposed to know that! and I thought that I knew that, but knowing is something and "being hit by reality" is a whole different thing.

I dont know why is it troubling me but something happened today in the deanship and I just fely puzzled , then mad , then sad. A guy was telling me his love story (that ended badly and sadly) and he said and I quote: She was so beautiful, so so beautiful , and warm hearted and maybe this is why I loved her, but when she called me for a one hour long phone call I used to get bored. She has no topics and no ideas ,,, she is shallow , but I loved her deeply.

Really?!!!

Am I so so so unrealistic to not accept that? I know that shallow people are ''people'' after all and they deserve to be loved too, but I used to think that shallow people only attract each other.

Its getting dangerous! If beautiful shallow girls are gonna keep getting the smart guys, then who is left for me?

And yes , if you are wondering - dear reader- I consider myself from the other party: the non-shallow party. Why? Because, this is who I am. I can endure 60 minutes talking about some actual crap!