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The things that go out of fashion

2012-02-10T15:43:00.001+01:00

Dr Ibraheem Al Fakeeh was a trend for a while. People talked about him a lot , they bought his books and watched his video and turned him into an actual headache. Then as usual -and as people tend to be mostly- they forgot him and they moved towards other trends.

He is a man of knowledge, he is no fashion style nor make up trade mark . Knowledge does not go out of style , but the world today has turned into a consuming contest and this man was consumed.

Today he died. A very painful and sad death. Sadly his death reminded me of him after all this time,,, I searched his videos and this short video filled me with hope and the usual guilt of not working hard enough. It also made me feel Ok about his death. At least he has lived, he has changed lives and thats what really matters.

New Banner

2012-02-09T00:42:00.003+01:00

I am not illiterate anymore ... I can READ :)

Your Constant Pain

2012-02-08T21:01:00.002+01:00

I know that no pain is constant ,,,

I know that human beings tend to forget at some point. But I miss you ...

I miss you

Its driving me .... Well , it is not driving me anything , because I know its fate and fate is God word and I can never be mad at Gods word.

But I miss you ,,,

I just wish , from the bottom of my heart , from the depth of each particle of me that I could see your face one more time ,,,

I wish I could sit there and listen to you while you crack jokes and laugh ,,, Oh , your laughter in my ears ,,,

I wish I could touch your face and tell you how much I miss you

I miss you

بورتريه الأسف

2012-02-07T23:00:00.002+01:00

و وجهك يثير الأسف. عندما أدقّق في تفاصيله و أرى زاوية فمك المتواطئة مع حاجبك المائل، وكأنك في حالة تشكيك دائمة بكل ما تراه. و كذلك الأخدود الرقيق الذي تتركه نظارتك في مساحة صدغك التي تصل عينيك بأذنيك.. هذا الأخدود الذي يحمرّ و يبيضّ تِبعاً لمدى انهماكك في الأشياء - في التفكير، الدراسة، العمل ، الضحك، أو الصمت- و لكن أكثر ما يثير الأسف في وجهك، هو ابتسامتك الفاترة المسالمة. ابتسامتك التي توحي برجل ما عاد بإمكانه أن يُدهَش. توحي برجلٍ رأى كلّ شيء... بما في ذلك أنا.

جزء من نص طويل بعنوان

"حداد يليق بالفقيد"

- المشهد الثالث -

Facebook Status

2012-02-06T00:33:00.002+01:00

Its amazing how some deep eyes belong to some shallow people. ~7ekmetak ya rabb~

Without My Oud

2012-02-05T19:17:00.003+01:00

Today was my first day of classes and as our Oud course ended on Thursday , today was my first day to go out with my Oud since 21 days.

It actually felt weird without it!! People used to stare a lot when I held with me , but I reached the point where I could totally forget about the entire population staring at me and just feel the happiness of having him on my side or on my shoulder.

Today I walked without him and I missed him a lot. I kept touching my hard finger tip , the finger tip where I lost all feeling because of practising and pressing on the strings. I kept telling myself that if I dont practice enough then my finger tip would go soft again.

When I got home , the first thing I did was going to my room and hugging him. Then I took of his leather bag and I practised and practised. I played a song for Haleem and it felt awesome.

I know how freaky this sounds , but I love him I love him I wanna scream

Its Over

2012-02-04T22:41:00.002+01:00

This was - by all means- the best vacation of my entire life.

I got to wake up everyday and leave my house , go out to spend 3 hours on my own reading and writing and contemplating and then I learned Oud for 3 beautiful hours.

It was not good at home - it never were as everything I do is interrupted none stop- but sometimes I got to practice what I learned and I studied the music theory.

Tomorrow we are going back to class and for the very first time ever since I got to the univeristy I feel burdened by the thought that the vacation is over.

Tomorrow the last semester of my college life is starting and I am full of reluctance, mixed feelings and anguish. May God help me down this road

I believe in Egypt

2012-02-01T19:30:00.002+01:00

This video brought tears to my eyes. It has been a year since the Egyptian Revolution started and yet the ones who killed the protesters have not been punished. I cant even start imagining what must be going through the minds of the fathers and the mothers of the martiers , I just wanna pray for Egypt and for the accomplishments of its revolution. I pray that people's effort will not be wasted and that justice will finally apply in that beautiful beautiful country.

Who am I anyway?

2012-02-01T01:07:00.002+01:00

Look at her, Isnt she lovely?

Her name is Ola Muath. She lost her battle with cancer yesterday. I did not know her but I read her blog: http://shammless.blogspot.com/

I was reading through her blog today as I was down with the flu. I felt ashamed of feeling sick. What do I know about sickness? What do I know about anything. It takes only brave people to go through all of this , and still smile.

May you rest in peace Ola.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

2012-02-01T00:53:00.002+01:00

I found the movie by accident while watching TV in my cousins house and i could not resist the seduction.

I watched it again , and when we got to the scene where Haleem died I felt that kind of agony and as soon as I was alone with myself I cried for a good while.

Thinking of Haleem makes me cry ,,, cry a lot , because I love him , I miss him and I feel like i know him. Also I feel like I was born a little bit too late and I could not be in the same era as him.

I thought of him , an orphan who always felt unwanted in the all the houses he lived in , who was denied his only love and who was destined to be alone as he went through 61 surgeries ,,, I felt so humanly weak and sad.... Sometimes the humanity is just too sad to be handled ,,, ~sigh~

Allah yerhamak ya haleem ... Amen Amen Amen

Saving the Old Letters

2012-01-31T23:23:00.002+01:00

Ever since I was a child I was always terrified with my Mom's continuous eagerness towards arranging closets and drawers. She would them turn them over and start arranging everything inside them.

My little sins were always discovered in such events.

Today she decided to clean up the ruins of my library -and here it is not a metaphor , they are actually all my books that were left without shelter as she gave away the closet to my brothers house- and as always I felt that uneasiness towards the whole thing.

I felt totally naked while my Mom, aunt , brother and sister in law were arranging the books , because each page had in it a peace of paper that has things that I wrote many many years ago , or tree leaves and things that mean -or used to mean- something only to me , and would absolutely look ridiculous to anyone besides me.

In the midst of all that mess I found the file where I kept Ahmad's letters. I saved the file and left the scene because as I have this file then nothing else matters.

Ahmad was my first love. I dont know anything about him now , and he has changed in my perspective now that he is not a person anymore, he is more of a symbol to my enlightment.

I stopped loving him a long long time ago , but his letters were filled with wisdom , philosophy and literature and every time I read them I see something new in them. Mostly I see what he saw in me meanwhile I was a 15 years old distracted teenager.

For what its worth, I dont recall ever having a solid and durable feeling as this one. This gratitude to this guy who came into my life for 5 simple months and transformed me from a close minded child to a young lady with so much potential.

For what its worth ,,,, I wanna say: Thank you :)

Today was a different day ,,,,

2012-01-31T00:53:00.002+01:00

Today , and after a long while of not reading Quran nor being able to concentrate in it ,I went down to the library's oratorio an I read a page from Surat Maryam. After only one recital I memorized the page!!! I read it again and again from my memory and I was stunned by me tone! I never read Quran with this tone. I have always kept the same tone ever since I was a kid , but today I sounded so different and so ,,, so in touch with the words.

Then I went to my Oud class. I sucked!! I was not prepared because I did not get to practice this week and my teacher got me! He was like : We are gonna send you over to the mice room (I wish he would , then I will HAVE to practice) then for the last 45 minute of class we sang songs on the Maqam we studied today.

Today we studied Maqam Ajam , and he asked us to think of songs that were composed on this Maqam. I started saying names of songs and I was right! They were Ajam , and I felt like singing so I started singing and my teacher played the Oud.

It was so amazing that I forgot about the rest of the class and I was hung over the music all alone. God it was amazing!!

I have always wanted to sing out loud , never actually did it - dont know why- but today I flied with the words,,, I was so happy!!

God am so happy .

Today a friend - Hakeem- saw me in the Deanship's Cafeteria and he said that my eyes are glowing with happiness,,,, How accurate was that!

مغازلة طويلة ،تُفضي إلى مصارحة موجعة

2012-01-29T23:59:00.004+01:00

اليوم التقطت صديقتي آلاء هذه الصورة لي في حصة العود. دخلت كالريح ، التقطت الصورة و خرجت. و عندما عدت في المساء و وجدت

الصورة على صفحتي على الفيس بوك شعرت بالنعمة.. قلة هم اولئك الذين يتسنى لهم أن يسجل لهم أحدٌ ما أعلى لحظاتِ حياتهم.

هذه اللحظة كانت لحظة نشوة ...اليوم تعلمنا عن المقامات الموسيقية ، و بعد كل الحصص الماضية التي كانت حافلة بتمارين الأصابع و الاوتار و التي لم ترتقِ إلى ما كنا نتخيله عن ''حصة العود'' جاءت حصة اليوم كالسلوى، لنتكلم فيها عن الفكرة التي تحوك بخاطر الموسيقى عندما تتنقل من مقام إلى آخر.

مرة أخرى خنقني العود ...

مرة أخرى شعرت بأجيال البكاء التاريخي تتدافع داخل رأسي و تبلل تفكيري ، و شعرت بأن العود و بعد مغازلة طويلة صرّح لي بأنه قادمٌ إليّ ليمحو كل ما قبله... قادمٌ ليبكيني و يضحكني و يغرقني بالوجل و الشوق و النشوة و الأسى و الوجد و كل الأشياء الأخرى التي لا أسماء لها.

أنا اليوم أشعر بنوع نادر من راحة البال . باليقين بأن الدهشة التي كانت تغمرني عندما كنت طفلة ما تزال ممكنة ، وبأن شهقة الانبهار بالأشياء ما تزال ممكنة ... اليوم أشعر أنني لم أرَ كل شيء و لم أعتدْ كل شيء و أنني ما أزال صغيرة جداً ، و أن دنيا الربّ ما تزال حافلة بالتفاصيل الصغيرة ، و الأفراح العظيمة ... كفرحتي بالمقامات .. المقامات على سبيل المثال لا الحصر.

Life After Megaupolad

2012-01-28T10:56:00.002+01:00

It has been almost 10 days since Megavideo was shut down and ever since I have not seen not one episode of anything! Not in English nor in Spanish.

I came back from Spain 7 months ago , and ever since I have not watched an actual TV holding the remote in my hand. Its just impossible in my house and all the other houses of my family because people are watching the news all the time. I know its so shallow and self abosrbed to worry about my TV shows while people are being killed everywhere, but this is almost my only time alone and it has been taken away.

I miss Megaupload and the infinite streaming ,,, If I know I would lose it I would have never complained the 72 minutes restriction.

Efffffft ,,, I dont know what else to say really! Why the freaking LAW now?!! We have used those copyrights for so long that they belong to no one anymore God Damn it!

Lluvia - Por Federico Garcia Lorca

2012-01-28T01:58:00.003+01:00

LLUVIA

La lluvia tiene un vago secreto de ternura,

algo de soñolencia resignada y amable,

una música humilde se despierta con ella

que hace vibrar el alma dormida del paisaje.

Es un besar azul que recibe la Tierra,

el mito primitivo que vuelve a realizarse.

El contacto ya frío de cielo y tierra viejos

con una mansedumbre de atardecer constante.

Es la aurora del fruto. La que nos trae las flores

y nos unge de espíritu santo de los mares.

La que derrama vida sobre las sementeras

y en el alma tristeza de lo que no se sabe.

La nostalgia terrible de una vida perdida,

el fatal sentimiento de haber nacido tarde,

o la ilusión inquieta de un mañana imposible

con la inquietud cercana del color de la carne.

El amor se despierta en el gris de su ritmo,

nuestro cielo interior tiene un triunfo de sangre,

pero nuestro optimismo se convierte en tristeza

al contemplar las gotas muertas en los cristales.

Y son las gotas: ojos de infinito que miran

al infinito blanco que les sirvió de madre.

Cada gota de lluvia tiembla en el cristal turbio

y le dejan divinas heridas de diamante.

Son poetas del agua que han visto y que meditan

lo que la muchedumbre de los ríos no sabe.

¡Oh lluvia silenciosa, sin tormentas ni vientos,

lluvia mansa y serena de esquila y luz suave,

lluvia buena y pacifica que eres la verdadera,

la que llorosa y triste sobre las cosas caes!

¡Oh lluvia franciscana que llevas a tus gotas

almas de fuentes claras y humildes manantiales!

Cuando sobre los campos desciendes lentamente

las rosas de mi pecho con tus sonidos abres.

El canto primitivo que dices al silencio

y la historia sonora que cuentas al ramaje

los comenta llorando mi corazón desierto

en un negro y profundo pentagrama sin clave.

Mi alma tiene tristeza de la lluvia serena,

tristeza resignada de cosa irrealizable,

tengo en el horizonte un lucero encendido

y el corazón me impide que corra a contemplarte.

¡Oh lluvia silenciosa que los árboles aman

y eres sobre el piano dulzura emocionante;

das al alma las mismas nieblas y resonancias

que pones en el alma dormida del paisaje!

iTeach: A course in the University

2012-01-26T23:42:00.002+01:00

Today I finished teaching the second course in my life. I have not talked about it earlier because it was a very short course , 5 classes of 3 hours each.

It was an important experience . My students enjoyed it way much than I did , but I could not help but be pressured with many factors. First of all that my students this time were my actual colleagues , which made it hard for me to be as strict as I tend to be usually (when it comes to things like arriving on time, taking notes of the piles of things that I am writing on the board and letting me decide what are we gonna discuss , when and how). It is not that I wanted to be a class dictator, but it bugged me that some of them could not tell the difference between Takwa the friend and colleague , and Takwa the teacher.

Another thing that pressured me was that I was -for the very first time- teaching in an actual room in the University of Jordan!! This is my plan for the future , to be a doctor who teaches Spanish in JU , so finding myself in the room TEACHING got into me the first few hours.

Besides that , it was a great course , I got to teach a lot of useful stuff and elaborate in many many aspects. Still I feel like I have a long long way to go until I can be half the teacher I wanna be.

Enshalla God will give me help and guidance to achieve that.

It has Been a Year بحبك يا مصر

2012-01-25T01:02:00.002+01:00

كنا مش حاسين بقيمة والامل موضة قديمة
بس في ثانية افتكرنا ان بلادنا عظيمة
ارفع راسك انت مصري انت واحد من اللي نزلوا الميدان
إنت وقفت جمب جارك في اللجان انت رجعت المصري بتاع زمان
شايف الدنيا بشكل تاني السما صافية سامع اغاني
واللي اتيغر فيا هوا طعم الحرية في لساني
بيقولوا مصر هرم ونيل ونسيوا المصري الاصيل
اللي ساعد الجد دايماً يقدر يعمل المستحيل
ارفع راسك فوووق انت مصري

This song gives me the chills.

Hold Your Head High ,,, You are Egyptian ,,, You are one of those who stood in Tahrir.
You stood up for your country and for that -only for that- you are worthy of respect till the eternity.

Happy First Anniversary of the Egyptian Revolution

هراء خرائط

2012-01-24T01:08:00.001+01:00

غرناظة في داخلي ما هي إلا كلمة واحدة: آه ...

يغيب اشتياقي إليها كحمّى، تهدر أحياناً على جوانب دماغي، و في أحيان أخرى تغيب كأنها لم تكن في حياتي يوماً.. بل تغيب و كأنها لم تكن يوماً في العالم.. تغيب تماماً كطفلٍ يلعب الغميضة، و يجلس في مخبئه كاتماً ضحكة خبيثة.

غرناطة .... غرناطة .....غرناطة و كل ما تبقّى في الدنيا هراء خرائط

أجلس الآن في زاويتي في الجامعة الأردنية ، و عندما أنظر إلى الوراء، أدرك أنني أملك الآن بهاء و كمال تلك الأيام. أملكه الآن كاملاً لا شية فيه. الحنين ليس لي ، فانا أدرك ..أنا أعرف .. أنا أضع كمال الذكرى في جيبي الصغير.

إن كانت تلك الأيام قد علمتني شيئاً فقد علمتني أن الحياة خلقت لنحياها على عجل، ثم لنرويها على مهل.

عرفت - حتى أعمق نقطة في تكويني - أنني لا أريد أن أدخل الجنة لمجرد أن أنجو من النار ، أو لأتنعم بالنعيم الأبدي .. بل أريد - و أعتزم- أن أدخل الجنة لكي أتحرر من مفهوم الزمن. أريد أن أكفّ عن نزف الدقائق و الساعات و الأيام، و أريد أن أمضي إلى الأمام دون أن أرى شظايا عمري تتناثر خلفي.

غرناطة أسكرتني بهذه الرغبة لأنها صغيرة و عميقة. شوارعها معدودة ، زواياها معدودة ، و طرق الضياع فيها محدودة ، و كلما مشيت في زقاقاتها كنت أرى بوضوح أكبر مظاهرةً من الدقائق التي تقفز في وجه الأبدية محاولةً أن تثبت وجهة نظر ، بينما الأبدية تزيحها كالغبار و تلقي بها إلى النهر ... إلى البحر .. إلى مزبلة التاريخ.

غرناطة الصغيرة تحبني و أحبها و تملكني ، و لكنني لا أملكها، و لهذا كان سيف الزمن مسلطاً على رقبتي.. لم أكن أنظر إليها بعينيّ، بل كان دماغي كله يتحول إلى اسفنجة تحاول بكل ما أوتيت من قوة أن تغب غرناطة كاملة، حتى إذا انتهى الزمن و ما عاد بإمكاني أن أراها، كان بإمكاني أن أستحضرها من ذاكرتي ، و أن أعيشها من جديد في نعيمي الشخصي جداً.

أذكر بوضوح، يوماً كنت فيه في زقاقة من زقاقات البايثين، حيث يرفع المرء رأسه و يرى - على حين غرة- في فسحة الأفق بين بيتين ، يرى جانباً من قصر الحمراء، و جانباً من جبل السبيكة ، و جانباً من نهر الداررو .. يرفع المرء رأسه و على حين غرة تهاجمه الجنة و هو في منتصف دنياه!

و هنا يشعر الإنسان الفاني بفرط سخافته... بشدة ضعفه.. بمحدودية إدراكه .. كنت حينها أقول: ماذا يفعل المرء بهذه الكمية الخرافية من الجمال، و كيف يتعامل مع ما تبقى من حياته؟ ماذا أفعل الآن؟

كنت حينها أفكر أن اجلس.. أفكر في أن لا أدع هذه اللحظة تمضي .. كنت لا أملك الوقت .. لا يوجد وقت، كان هنالك ساعة رقمية ضخمة تدق في كنف روحي تعدّ الثواني عدّاّ عكسياً و تدفعني للركض، للصراخ ، لترجّي الأبدية لكي تمضي على مهلها. و لهذا كنت أظل واقفة صامتة شاخصة البصر ، و أنفق عملة الوقت التي لا أملكها، كمتسول يهَب ما تسوّله إلى متسوّل آخر.

لم أكن اجلس. و هنا أريد أن أشكر براز الكلاب... أريد أن أشكره من أعمق أعماقي لأن الحياة لا يمكنها، و لا ينبغي لها أن تكون بهذا الكمال. سأذهب إلى الجنة و هناك سيكون لي غرناطتي. غرناطة لي لوحدي، كحلم الفاتح القديم الذي جاء إلى غرناطة فأسَرَتْه فأحضر حضارته كلها و جاء لينام في حضن مدينته و ليطيل أمد هذا الحلم.

غرناطة . غرناطة .. غرناطة

ليست مدينةً و لا قصراً، و لا نهراً يجري هارباً من الأسوار.. غرناطة هي لحظة مستديرة ثابتة كاملة في وجه الأبد ، و هي المكان الذي نظر إلي فيه الله و دعاني بكلمات واضحة إلى مملكته الأبدية.

أحبك جداً

تقوى

٢٤-١-٢٠١٢

Snow Is a Miracle

2012-01-22T23:05:00.005+01:00

There has been a lot of talking about snow in the last few weeks but it never actually snowed until today.

I was not thrilled about it, I stopped getting thrilled about snow ever since I left school , because by then I wanted any miracle to take place in order to skip the day at school.

Today it started snowing while we were in the Oud class. The administrator of students clubs asked our teacher to stop the class and dismiss us, so he asked us: do you want me to dismiss you? and we were like: Nooooo , we want to go on.

People started leaving and there was no body left but the students of Arts club.

Our class was just amazing and some little snow was not a valid reason for us to miss on it.

When our class ended I went out to wait for my parents and I stopped by the Library waiting , gazing into the horizon and listening to Majida Eroumy singing akhraj men matafihi el jareeda.

I was simply happy. Maybe the happiest.

My teacher passed while I was waiting , he did not see me , but I saw him , his forehead and eyebrows garnished with snow and his Oud leaning in his shoulder like a new born baby. He is such a delight.

My parents came later , we had some trouble with the car , but we made it home and ther eI stayed with my Oud being the happiest person in the world.

Facebook Status

2012-01-22T19:24:00.003+01:00

هنالك لحظات لشدة كمالها تبدو مستديرة ، تصعد تلقائياً إلى رف الذكريات العالي .. لا يصلها النسيان و لا الغبار و لا يغادرها الأدرينالين.

على كل حال طلعلي هالجريدة من هالمعطف ... فريت مرارتي

First Class of Oud :D

2012-01-18T22:43:00.003+01:00

Today I had my First Oud Class.

The thought that this is my Third first class got on to me for a while but as I walked to class I felt that huge huge feeling that music gives me.

It is not something that I can actually explain with words , but as our teacher made us repeat a very simple silly-appearing exercise I felt that this is the secret of discipline. A thing that I never actually lived nor experienced , maybe a thing that I intentionally skipped in order to be free. But as I repeated the exercise started feeling the cords as they move strongly under the pick and they sound differently. It just huge ,,, It makes me happy and makes me feel eternal.

Our teacher played for a little while, maybe a minute, and I could not look at him ,,, My neck just went to the other side and I disconnected for a second. The sound of Oud live is a drug , it suffocates me!

I really went home suffocated with all the things I never actually cried ...The sound of music is so deep and thick , it pressures something in me and therefore it makes me a better person.

I am happy.

That girl of 2009 is back! So Back!!

2012-01-10T00:40:00.000+01:00

Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God ....

It has came back to me!! that great huge , urge , need , longing and willing to go back to Spain , it has came back to me.

When I came back the last time I was tired , maybe devastated and I thought I will need loads of time to be able to be on my own again in a big big country again. But its back! The feeling that I wanna leave on the first plane without looking back ,,, and just go there , learn More Spanish , Loads of language and knowledge , go to new cities , and fight with atheists over religion.

I can do it , I wanna do it , I wanna go back.

That girl whom I was on 2009 , who did not look back , did not miss a face and did not waste a moment in Spain , she is back! She is me ,,,, God I wanna graduate and do whatever it takes to leave again ,,, Am thinking Toledo? Barcelona? Maybe Malaga ,,, who knows ,,,, Godddddd i am back

Facebook Status

2012-01-06T13:40:00.000+01:00

My entire life , I have hid a novel under the book that I am allegedly studying. Today , that I have a novel exam I enjoyed every novel and studied with my room's door unlocked.

Ps: I am the happiest person alive :he3:

The Day we Lost Granada

2012-01-02T00:17:00.004+01:00

Although I stopped seeing our culture in Spain as I used to , but a day like today just makes mourn silently inside my own soul.

Granada was ours ,,,, and there is no bigger loss in the entire world.

New Year is Lame!

2012-01-01T22:20:00.003+01:00

So I intentionally pick a year every once in a while , in which I dont wish to celebrate the "New Year" , its so lame!! Facebook is impossible with all those people going nn stop about the new year! Buzz off

New Facebook Profile Picture

2011-12-31T16:58:00.005+01:00

Hay momentos cuando la música de fondo que rodea mi alma es un canto Flamenco triste y alargado.
Hay momentos que son nostalgia pura y soledad dentro de mi propia piel.
Hay momentos que tienen un solo remedio ,,, una sola palabra,,,, un solo lugar ... Hay momentos cuando todo es Granada.

Vamos a Bailar

2011-12-31T15:59:00.003+01:00

Inflamada por la danza,

se quemó todo su cuerpo.

Voz y guitarra callaron

oprimidas por el miedo.

Cuando el fuego se apagó

y todo quedó en silencio,

cuatro guitarras de plata

purificaron su cuerpo.

Juan Velasco

I copied the picture and the poem from another blog. The poem just says what I feel towards dancing in general , and towards Flamenco specifically.

There are times when I feel that I wanna stop the entire world and just dance ... ~sigh~

Everyone Says I love You

2011-12-30T20:48:00.003+01:00

It has been so long since I last sat to watch anything on a TV screen.

Ohhhh , I dont even know from where to start talking about this great absence of TV in my life, i cant imagine that I have survived all that time TVless ,,,God ,, God ,, God

Anyways , I am here to talk abut something else, which is Woody Allans movie "Everyone says I love You''. I did not get to watch it since the beginning but I loved all the parts that I watched.

The parts where a big family was shown, with half sisters and half brothers and a woman (Goldie Hawn) lived happily with her actual husband and kept a great relationship with her ex-husband (Woody Allan).

I also loved the parts where the narrator of the movie -one of the daughters- fell in love and out of love in no time and thought of each guy as ''the one'' . I adored how gently she picked up her hopes and moved to another story without regrets. But mostly I loved Woody Allans intense search for the perfect woman as he still had feelings to his ex wife.

This is what I love about Woody Allans movies , they are written in the most realistic tune. Sometimes in movies they present an idea to us as ''established''. For example: Y still has feelings for his ex-wife X. And thats not realistic , feelings are not fixed , they come and go and they changed. Those ideas are never fixed nor established. So the movie went on in a very smooth way showing us how everyone -at the end- kept struggling each day with the same questions, no surprising nor astonishing end , just the same questions over and over again being dealt with in a positive way and a true well to live.

Good movie ,,, An hour and a half well wasted

Listen to the song

I am through with love ,,,,

For I must have you or no one

And so I am through with love ,,,,,

The Roads May Start Diverging

2011-12-26T22:44:00.003+01:00

Today I went to Irbed to Techno University to attend my uncle Mohammad's graduation seminar. It was one of those days,,, you knowm when everything is so perfect and energetic , I spent the entire day taping and taking pictures of people dancing and singing , but when I got to the bus on my way back to Amman I just felt the huge ''existential emptiness'' that usually comes after ''Big Endings".

Now I look around and I find my very two best friends flipping the pages. Maymoona and I were together and I felt like I have never actually ''realized'' the fact that she is married until today. (I spent the entire day with her) . I witnessed how does she move as a very very pregnant lady who is puffing and thinking about going home, and I saw her take 6 or 7 phone calls from her husband throughout the day and how she took them with a very good spirit.

And Mohammad is now graduating and he might be finding his way away from here ,,,and this makes me think -the very egocentric but valid question- :What about me?

How will life be from now on? We are becoming Grown Ups ... Are we?

Mabrook Uncle ,,, ~sigh~

I ...

2011-12-16T23:20:00.002+01:00

I need a bitter song to make me better ...

Or Maybe I just need a miracle ,,, I am at a point where my grief is turning into a fossil ,, it is not going away , should not it?

Palestine According to Qatar

2011-12-10T16:58:00.002+01:00

You know what? I am bored. So God Damn bored to be explaining over and over and going on talking on and on about Palestine and about our sacred eternal right in that land.

I would understand that I will have to explain to the ''others'' to the Jews , to the Zionists to the west , but having to explain to the ''us'' is just preposterous.

Since when Qatar gets to decide the Palestinian map? since when Qatar gets to decide anything? Since is Qatar even a country!!

The only thing I can come up with now

2011-12-02T01:59:00.003+01:00

This is the only thing that I can come up with for now ....

I dont remember in my life a spiritual pause as long as this one. I have been silent for two weeks now and I dont know what I may add, it just seems that everything has been said and that there is nothing more to be done or said except for clinging to Gods will and waiting for his consolation,,

Until then , I will write about usual stuff ,,, normal stuff ,,, stuff of everybody ....

What About Me?

2011-11-21T08:03:00.002+01:00

I feel so naked talking in a blog that anybody can read. But its that I dont want to talk to the friends who are eager to listen to me. I dont know why,,,They insist and I just nod , maybe because I know that once I utter it , it would look small and it is not.

This picture is the saddest. The saddest ,, the saddest of all. But what is even more sad is Izzie when she said: ''What about me?".

Really , what about me?

For the first time in my life I feel burdened with my own self. I have no plans , no ideas , no different perspectives. My mind is blank ... white ... empty ... and time goes by so slowly

New Banner

2011-11-19T08:58:00.003+01:00

Evaluna-san ,,,The Happiest Woman Alive,,, The Happiest One Indeed

Ps: Today is the Blog's Third Anniversary... It has been 3 years already

I never Wanna Leave my Bed

2011-11-19T08:40:00.002+01:00

Look at this picture. I posted it a year ago with this caption: Takwa Masadeh >>> The Happiest Woman Alive.

I am a happy happy person. I can generate happiness inside me. Little things can make me really happy , and big miseries sometimes cant manage to attract my attention. I am gifted when it comes to making happiness.

A girl once stopped me in a corridor in the university and she said to me: You dont know me , but I feel that you glow with energy, I love to pass you by, it makes me happy.

I am THAT jovial.

But today I dont want to leave my bed. I wish that a miracle would have the decency to happen so I will not have to leave my room and go to the real world and talk to the real people.

I just wanna concentrate in my grief. I wanna grief ,,, its my right , I dont want anyone telling me that I should not cry or I should get over things. No No No I dont want to hear anyone say anything about me ,,, no one knows the storm thats happening inside of me, so please dont direct words to me ,,, I am out of the ''linguistic'' reach.

I never wanna leave bed.

When Somebody Dies

2011-11-17T18:20:00.004+01:00

When somebody dies an entire world breaks into pieces. An entire set of details gets infinitely wasted. And the noise of the huge departure makes the entire universe pause for a moment.

When somebody dies a whole set of technology stops being useful. His email , his facebook account , and mostly his phone number. You may call all you want and his voice wont come from the other end ,,, his worried wavy voice is never gonna be repeated through your skull giving you that infinite sense of peace. And when you see the little nice neat envelope in the top corner of your mobile , it cant be a message of 160 letters charged with his energy and ''existence''.

When a person dies you lament ,,,, lament all the vocabulary you saved for a later conversation

You Lament all the things you did not say , all the discussions that you did not have , all the ideas in which you did not elaborate ,,, all the thoughts you kept for yourself , all the confessions you did not make , all the messages you did not send ,all the late at night calls that you did not make ,,, and all the jokes you did not crack ,,, God if only I made you laugh one more time ...

When a person dies his voice dies. It echoes inside your head , inside your blood flow and a thing goes thumping through you memory trying to hold to the voice ,,, because if its gone then it wont be heard again. Oh , the voice , the voice , the vehicle of all the words , when it dies it takes the happiness and the misery of language with it.

When a person dies he cant say anything any more. All that he was destined to say had been said , and therefore ha may not tell me something ''new''. And when a person dies all his pictures are ''all his pictures'' because he cant make any new ones. You come to the conclusion that all his ''traces'' are already with you ,,, you may not stumble with a new trace later on.

When a person dies his smell leaves. You cant feel him in the air.

And -Oh God- when a person dies you cant feel the heat of his body in the rooms he enters. That huge aura of heat that made me turn around each time he entered a room I was in. He is far , cold , remote , distant and not knowing.

When a person dies the whole world should stop for a moment. It should!

It should look at itself without him and miss him ,,, God , it should miss him as much as I already miss him.

The crowds in the morning of people going to work , you wont be among them. And all the people on bus stops , cafeterias lines , traffic lights and coffee kiosks ,,, You are not one of them .

When a person dies he stops existing ,,, you dont get to see him again and you miss him ,,, you miss him you miss him it crushes your soul. The way he used to roll his eyes, the way he used to put a palm on the corner of his mouth to cover a mischievous smile , the way he used to smile ... its all gone, unrepeated and not saved ,,, its all gone.

When a person dies a part of you dies , he takes with him all the moments you shared , all the things you said , and all the times your eyes met ,,, he takes everything with him , to the place where no body has ever came back to tell us about.

When a person dies the world feels so huge ,,, streets are extra long , and the colors ,, Oh the colors of everything fade into shades of grey ,,,, songs pass you by and the words do not actually penetrate your ''linguistic" zone ,,, all the voices are just noise and all types of human communication are a distraction. A distraction from the only thing you want to do.

The only thing you want to do : is cry.

I Never Wanted to be That Girl

2011-11-16T08:30:00.003+01:00

"I hate the bride thing. I hate the pictures in the magazines of the girl with the veil... and the flowers that she's sniffing. Like it never occurred to her to put her nose in there until there was a camera pointed at her. I hate the idea of bridesmaids... and the colors... and does the bustle make my ass look bigger or smaller. I hate the whole thing and I never wanted to be that girl. That girl is stupid... shallow. Why the hell is that girl sauntering through my head?"

Izzie Stevens

Grey´s Anatomy

This Week

2011-11-16T00:01:00.004+01:00

I have been away from my blog those last days ,,,

Actually I have not been doing much. Not properly reading any of my three books -a Spanish Novel, an English Novel, an Arabic book- not writing much in my paper diary ,not making any videos and not studying of course.

I dont know ,,, Maybe I am tired , I had a stupid back injury this weekend and it hurts to move a muscle. But mainly I am in the ''Frozen Mode''. A mode where I limit my activities to the indispensable only, where I literally dont waste a calorie if I dont have to.

The frozen mode helps me concentrate and it helps me to avoid distractions.

This has bee the longest week I have ever lived. I have never imagined that 5 days need all this time to just go away ,,,, I am ,,, Maybe ''sad'' is the word ,,, ''disappointed'' is more accurate but mainly am sad because this week is eternal.

Ps: In a year or two I will read this and not remember what the hell was I talking about. It feels great already.

Hanan has left the building :(

2011-11-11T10:02:00.002+01:00

Today Hanan -my neighbour ever since I was a child- dropped by our house. She wanted to say good bye as she was moving to a new house.

I loved her gesture a lot , and although we have not been much in touch ever since we stopped playing in the neighbourhood, we have always stopped for nice and warm chit chats when we met in the grocery store and on the bus stop.

Hanan was my very first Christian friend , and through her I first learned about religions and about people belonging to other things besides those things to which I belong.

It was a great ride throughout all of those years ,,, Things that I will always remember and cherish ,,, things that all came to my mind as she drove away to her far new house , she: one of the few friends from my mean childhood.

God bless you ,,, Deeply really and entirely bless you.

Wishing and thinking and hoping and praying

2011-11-10T01:16:00.000+01:00

Wishin', and hopin', and thinkin', and prayin',

Planning and dreamin' each night of his charms.

That won't get you into his arms

And I know exactly what I want and I am gonna act on it.

John Lennon's Wisdom

2011-11-08T12:00:00.003+01:00

I have been telling this to a friend for a while. People are so in love with ''Templates''. There is a ''template'' for what we can call a happy life. If you have money, work and a certificate then you are supposed to be happy. If you have a relationship with a person 4 years elder than you then this is healthy difference. If the person whom you love tells you so and so , and ignores so and so then you are supposed to be in love.

But you know what? Templates are made so that we over grow them. They are there so we can start from them, and not end up exactly on the line they draw. I love a Spanish proverb ''Sobre gustos no hay nada escrito'' ,,, ''When it comes to tastes there is nothing written''.

So , yes. What I want to be when I grow up is be Happy. I wanna be fulfilled , balanced and positive and I am gonna accomplish that in spite of what anybody considers as right or acceptable.

Embrace Life :)

I found my way ,,,This is the time of my life

2011-11-06T02:19:00.003+01:00

I was chatting with a friend who is still living ''The European Dream". The Dream that I lived for the last two years , that I loved , enjoyed and might have also fulfilled.

She reminded me with those golden days , when loneliness was the price we paid in order to live the dream ,,, to learn the language ,, to mingle with the culture and to know the persons whom we are to the deepest extent we can actually reach.

We knew cities and streets , we travelled unknown ways , we talked to strangers , we asked for lighters from passer bys , and we took our lexical and cultural consults from waiters.

I sometimes think that I am standing on the edge now ,,, Of giving up the return to the european dream and just embracing another dream ,,, another dream that contains a lot of adrenaline and emotional gambling ,,,, I think I found my way ,,, I think am not afraid any more to go forward and not look back again

Soy Gitano .... Flamencoooo Turns my blodd into Lava

2011-11-06T02:01:00.001+01:00

Such songs turn my blood into Lava ,,, and it brings me back to Granada ,,, to the little streets where i wandered alone with astray cats... God God God how much I miss that ,,,

Soy Gitanooo

Shakira Does not Fear the Stage

2011-11-05T23:07:00.002+01:00

This song's title is: Before 6 o'clock ,,,,

It talks about a lover who uses all the knowledge he obtained about his love against her when their love is over. On the other hand Shakira -the girl in the story- loves him more, and leaves thinking about the solution for later and just tells him that ever since he is gone that nights are falling earlier even before 6 o'clock.

What I loved more than the song was Shakira's body language and facial expressions on the stage. She acts as if nobody is watching ,,, she wrinkles her face, she waves her arms , she looks at an invisible point in the horizon and sings from the deepest point in her soul ,,, It does not matter that she might look dumb , it does not matter as long as the song says it all through her body ,,, this makes her the great dancer she is.

One more thing: When I saw how she danced with a ''rock effect'' while wearing this big dress I thought ''Well maybe the rock effect only works on jeans not on feminine clothing''. But when she moved the microphone stand and danced so ,,, so ",,,," what? so freely as a woman alone in a jungle , and i was like: who is anybody to decide what goes fine with what dress? It just nice as it is ,,, she does not fear the stage and she gives a deep feeling ,,, ~sigh~

حرية الفكر‏..‏ وحرية الكفر

2011-11-05T02:08:00.000+01:00

I read an article as simple and balanced as this one and I cant find any comment , because I cant agree more. Everyone is entitled to his/her opinion as long as he/she is not obliging anyone to embrace the same opinion or behaviour. But when I read the comments under the article I felt so , lets say, disappointed. Why is it so hard to live and let live?

حرية الفكر‏..‏ وحرية الكفر

بقلم: عبد الرحمن يوسف

مصر اليوم مطحونة بين تيارين‏,‏ كلاهما يتصرف برعونة الأطفال‏,‏ وكلاهما يري أن مصر لا تتسع إلا له فقط‏,‏ وكلاهما لا يري في مصر إلا ذاته المتضخمة‏,‏ هذه الذات التي تورمت حتي أصبحت عبئا علي صاحبها‏,‏ وعلي المجتمع‏,‏ وعلي الدولة‏.‏

نحن أمام تيارين كلاهما يريد خدمة الوطن, وأن يري مصر متقدمة عزيزة, يعيش أبناؤها في عدل وخير, ولكن كل منهما يريد أن يسلك طريقا معينا, ويريد أن يأخذ البلد( كله) في هذا الطريق, بغض النظر عن مدي الاتفاق أو الاختلاف حول صلاحية أو جدوي أو طول وقصر هذا الطريق.
نحن أمام تيارين, التيار الليبرالي أو العلماني( سمه ما شئت), والتيار الثاني هو التيار الإسلامي( سواء تحدثنا عن السلفيين أو الإخوان أو غيرهم).
وفي بداية حديثي لا بد من التذكير بأن كل كلامي له استثناءات لا تخفي علي القارئ اللبيب, وبأن ما أقوله ليس موجها ضد حزب أو فئة أو شخص بعينه.
التيار الليبرالي يتناقض مع ذاته حين يطالب الجميع بالحرية, ولكنه يحرم التيار الإسلامي من هذه الحرية, فتراه يتحدث عن حرية لليبراليين فقط!
حرية التعبير تصبح حرية التعبير عن الفكر الليبرالي, أو عن أي فكر شريطة أن لا يكون إسلاميا, فتري نبرة عداء للدين والتدين لا يتفق معها شخص عاقل, لأنك حين تتحدث في أرض الأديان, ومهد التدين, وحضن المتدينين( مصر), لا يمكنك إلا أن تحترم تدين هذا الشعب.
إذا كنت ليبراليا يجب عليك أن تحترم الأفكار التي تعتبرها أنت متخلفة, فلا يحق لك أن تمنع أي شخص من أن يعتبر الفن حراما, أو أن يعتبر الغناء فسقا, أو أن يعتبر اللحية فرضا, لأن هذا( التخلف), عبارة عن أفكار, وهذه الأفكار لا يمكن أن ننتصر عليها إلا بالفكر والحوار, لا بالإقصاء واستعداء الدولة, وتخويف الناخبين من المشانق التي سوف تعلق في الطرقات إذا انتخب الإسلاميون.
إن التيار الليبرالي يخسر كثيرا الناخبين حين يواجههم بموقف غير متصالح مع الدين, وحين يخسر هذا التيار تخسر مصر, لأن مصر تحتاج إلي تيار ليبرالي قوي, يساعد في دفع هذا البلد إلي الأمام, ويساعد في خلق توازن سياسي وفكري في الحياة السياسية والاجتماعية.
هل يعقل أن أكون ليبراليا وأصادر علي حق الإسلاميين في دخول مجال السينما مثلا؟
أو أن أدعو إلي أي شكل من أشكال التمييز ضد المرأة المنتقبة؟
هل يعقل أن تصل درجة الفجر في الخصومة إلي التخوين والاتهام في الذمم( بدون دليل مادي)؟
الإسلاميون يرتكبون نفس الخطيئة, فتراهم( بكافة تياراتهم تقريبا) لا يحترمون الليبراليين أو العلمانيين, وتراهم يتعاملون معهم علي أنهم رجس ينبغي تطهير البلاد منه, وحين تتحدث مع أحدهم عن حرية الفكر, تراه يرد عليك ـ بمنتهي الرعونة ـ: هذه حرية الكفر, وليست حرية الفكر.
ويتغافل هؤلاء عن أن الله سبحانه وتعالي قد كفل للناس حرية الكفر!, قال تعالي( وقل الحق من ربكم فمن شاء فليؤمن ومن شاء فليكفر إنا أعتدنا للظالمين نارا أحاط بهم سرادقها وإن يستغيثوا يغاثوا بماء كالمهل يشوي الوجوه بئس الشراب وساءت مرتفقا).
صحيح أن الآية تحمل معني الوعيد, ولكن هذا الوعيد مؤجل إلي الدار الآخرة, فمن يختار الكفر سوف يحاسبه الله في الآخرة بالعقاب الذي ذكره في الآية الكريمة, ولا يحق لنا أن نحاسبه في الدنيا, إلا بضوابط معينة تتعلق بنشر الكفر في المجتمع, وحينها لن نحاسبه علي كفره بالله, بل سنحاسبه علي عبثه بالأمن الاجتماعي للأمة.
إن كثيرا من أبناء التيار الإسلامي يرون في الفكر الإسلامي حاكما علي الأمة والبشر, ويتناسون أن تفسيرات هذا الفكر تخضع لسائر ما يخضع له الفكر البشري من الهوي والخطأ والتأثر بظروف الزمان والمكان.
وليس أدل من ذلك سوي أن التيار الإسلامي نفسه يشتمل علي تفسيرات كثيرة جدا للنص المقدس, مما يؤكد حق الاختلاف في الشريعة, وحق الاختلاف مع الشريعة, وليس ذلك منة من الإسلاميين, بل هو أمر من صميم الإسلام, فهو الذي كفل للناس حق الإيمان به أو الكفر به!
ستتقدم مصر حين يؤمن الليبراليون بحرية الفكر( بضوابطها), وحين يؤمن الإسلاميون بحرية الكفر( بضوابطها)!
ملحوظة: وثيقة الدكتور علي السلمي بشأن الدستور ليست سوي قنبلة سياسية موقوتة, وهي علي وضعها الحالي إهانة للشعب المصري, وإهانة للجيش المصري, وحين تنفجر هذه القنبلة سيدفع الجميع ثمنا باهظا عافانا الله ـ حي الآن ـ من دفعه, إنها عقد إذعان علي أمة من حقها أن تحصل علي حريتها.
حفظ الله مصر من أصحاب النيات السيئة, ومن بعض أصحاب النيات الحسنة!

Amman in a Song!!!

2011-11-05T01:44:00.000+01:00

This is a really nice song that I found on a friend's Facebook. Its so Jordanian,,, not that phony hypocrite Jordanian , but were people fall in love in Amman ,,, a city as romantic as Amman has very few songs to celebrate her ,,, am so happy that this song exists ,,, thanks thanks thanks

ماذا يقرأ الأردنيون؟

2011-11-04T01:47:00.001+01:00

ماذا يقرأ الأردنيون؟
محمد أبو رمان

محمد أبو رمان

ربما السؤال الأصحّ هو لماذا لا يقرأ الأردنيون؟! فرغم تدني نسبة العالم العربي عموماً من القراءة، إذ يصل معدل القراءة لدى الإنسان العربي ربع صفحة سنوياً، بينما الأميركي 11 والبريطاني 7، إلاّ أنّه حتى داخل هذه النسبة الهزيلة فإنّ الأردنيين ليسوا من المجتمعات العربية الأكثر قراءة!
الأرقام والإحصائيات عموماً تسبب الاكتئاب، بخاصة عندما نقارن أنفسنا مع "العدو الاستراتيجي"، إسرائيل لنكتشف أنّ "الفجوة" ليست عسكرية فقط، بل معرفية وثقافية وعلمية، ففي الوقت الذي يترجم فيه فقط 330 عنوانا سنوياً في العالم العربي بأسره، فإنّ إسرائيل وحدها تترجم إلى العبرية (وهي لغة ميّتة) قرابة 15000!
لسنا بحاجة إلى إثباتات وحجج دامغة على "محنة" أو بعبارة أدق، فضيحة القراءة في العالم العربي، فأرقام الترجمة والنشر ومعدلات البحث العلمي تنطق كفراً بذلك الإعراض الفاجر، وهو ما ينعكس ليس فقط على الحالة المعرفية أو العلمية والتخلف العربي في هذا المجال، بل حتى على الثقافة الاجتماعية والبنية السياسية وضمور العلاقات المدنية في العالم العربي وتراجع التعليم والإدارة والأزمات الخانقة، فكيف نتصوّر أن نتقدّم خطوة واحدة للأمام بلا معرفة ولا علم في القرن الحادي والعشرين!
لا نملك القفز عن هذه الحقائق المروّعة في العالم العربي ونحن نعيش لحظة تاريخية مفصلية، فتنتفض الشعوب طلباً للحرية والديمقراطية والكرامة، فلن تستطيع المجتمعات الحفاظ على ثورتها وحمايتها من الاختطاف وتطويرها إن لم ترسّخ المؤسسات المدنية والقانونية، ومثل هذه المؤسسات لا تنتعش إلاّ في مجتمعات تحترم المعرفة والثقافة والأفكار ولديها القدرة على تطوير نفسها وحلّ مشكلاتها، فالعلاقة عضوية بين الديمقراطية والثقافة والمعرفة.
بلا شك، فإنّ السياسات الرسمية العربية هي المسؤولة أولاً وأخيراً عن هذا التدهور المرعب في مستوى القراءة والمعرفة والثقافة في العالم العربي، فقد غلّبت الشعارات والدعايات والأبعاد السياسية والأمنية على الجانب الثقافي والمعرفي في حياة الشعوب، بل كان يتندر كبار القوم في الأردن على أنّ موازنة الشوارع والطرق في الأردن كانت تساوي أضعاف موازنة التربية والتعليم، فهل هنالك دمار أكبر من ذلك؟!
هذا الواقع المرير ينبغي أن نستدعيه ونحن نحتفل اليوم بعام جديد من موسم "القراءة للجميع" أو مكتبة الأسرة، وهو الذي بدأ أمس، وشمل عشرات العناوين المتنوعة للكتب المدعومة أو شبه المجّانية، وهي عناوين رائعة تبدأ من التاريخ السياسي الأردني إلى أمهات الكتب الفلسفية والسياسية وصولاً إلى الأدب المحلي والعالمي وكتب الأطفال، وبمستوى من الطباعة الجيّد، مقارنةً بالكتب الشعبية الأخرى.
ربما لا أكون متجنيّاً إن قلت إنّ هذا المشروع "مكتبة الأسرة" من أهم المشروعات الوطنية التي يجب أن تتوسع وتحظى باهتمام رسمي أكبر، وتلقى دعماً إعلامياً في المحافظات والمدن، فهو بحق إنجاز كبير وعظيم يذكر لصاحب هذه الفكرة، د. عادل الطويسي أنّه جعله واقعاً مشهوداً.
المجتمع الأردني يمتاز، عموماً، بمستوى عال من الثقافة، لكن الشفهية، أكثر من المكتوبة والمقروءة، فبالرغم من النسبة المعقولة من استخدام الانترنت والتكنولوجيا الحديثة، إلاّ أنّ الاهتمام بالبحث العلمي الحقيقي والقراءة والمعرفة العلمية ما يزال هشّاً وضعيفاً، وتجد ذلك مع هزالة النشر العلمي وبؤس البحث العلمي لدينا، فمجتمعنا أقرب إلى مجتمع حكواتي، يعتمد على ثقافة السماع، وليس القراءة، ويستهلك المعرفة ولا ينتجها، ويعاني من ضمور في الإبداع المعرفي والعلمي.
الإصلاح لا يحدث في الفضاء، فلا بد له من تربة خصبة، وهذه التربة هي المعرفة والتعليم والقراءة، فهي المهمة الغائبة عن اهتمام الجميع!

A Grey's Anatomy's Quote

2011-11-03T09:28:00.001+01:00

‎~~We rely on superstitions because we

are smart enough to know

that we dont have all the

answers and that life works

in mysterious ways.~~

A Thing Bigger Than Life

2011-10-31T20:42:00.003+01:00

Today my smile was so huge and powerful ,,,, Its power struck all of those who crossed me by ,,,,

I am truly glowing with a true kind of energy thats way bigger than life ,,,

I glow I glow I glow ,,, I am so strong , so strong that I scare me ,,,

I own the dance floor ,, the entire world ,,, I raise my head to the sky each time that smile strikes my face and I thank God...

Little people -as myself- can be that powerful after all

Blog Entry Number 1000!

2011-10-31T15:27:00.002+01:00

I have expressed 1000 ideas ,,, throughout the last 4 years!! Wowwwww!!!

1000 is a big number ,,, I have almost 100 drafts that I will get back to as soon as possible Enshalla

A Perfect Song

2011-10-30T01:05:00.005+01:00

On Thursday , at 6 pm I was standing here waiting for my Dad to come pick me up. In my Mp5 I was listening to this song ''Like a Star'' by Corinne Bailey Rae ... It felt so perfect ,,,so perfect that It could have simply blown out my mind. It talked about me ,,, it hurts ,, sweetly hurts when she says ''Oh your love'' ,,, it feels like bleeding the blood that pressures your heart when you deeplu fall in love ,,,

The clip was as perfect. Three things made it perfect:

1-The Origami Cranes dangling from the ceiling. Origami cranes are a perfect dream ,,,a pursuit of perfection

2-The scene where she feels alone although she is among people in the club.

3-The singers smile at the end ,,, she is a true beauty ,,,,

Perfect Perfect song ,,,,

The Day that Changed My Life

2011-10-25T21:03:00.003+01:00

A while ago I asked my students to write an exercise about a date that changed their lives. I only wanted them to practice using the numbers and practice their writing as they talk about things that really means something to me.

Today I collected the homework and there was that boy -the same boy always- who startled me with what he wrote. I totally expected something different, but as I read what he wrote I felt the urge to get off the bus - I was reading in the bus- and go ask for an explanation!!

I dont wanna talk much about it here , to keep the intimacy of what my student wrote ,,, but I wanna say two things: First: Some words are not words , they are compressed ideas , intellectual seeds that need water to flourish ,,, some words are an invitation t

o a big discussion.

Second: As my students wrote about the day that changed their lives , I would talk about mine.

December 27th , 2009

It was the day in which I went to the Mosque of Cordoba. I have lived my entire life on that hope ,,,, I learned Spanish to fulfil that dream , everything in my life went in that direction.

When I entered there I experienced that hardest , strongest , deepest and purest feeling I have ever had. It felt like all the defeats that were accumulated in my Arabic mind , they all erupted inside my brains and eyes. I could not stop crying ,,, I felt so helpless and vulnerable , I felt that my huge guilt towards my nation is just gonna kill me.

I felt that any other thought inside me was blocked away, and that I was abbreviated to the thought of ''my nation'' and I felt so earthy , so weak and so insignificant , and I felt that all the faces that I saw on TV of my people in Palestine and Iraq came hunting me , and I felt that I cant be possibly feeling all that at once ,,, It crushed , and I cried like I never cried in my entire life.

Since then I did not cry again ,,,, until last week ,,,

I cried because I am afraid that a story is my life is gonna end , and am not ready yet... I think I will never be.

Little Women: One Book Down

2011-10-23T15:54:00.004+01:00

Today I finished reading Little Women of Luisa May Alcott.

Now with all due respect, If I was not obliged to read the novel as a part of my ''English Novel 1'' class I would not have kept going in the book.

I am a big big big -the biggest- bookworm , but this book bored me to death! Here -as I write- am fighting a huge sense of guilt, because every critic , reader or intellectual in the world thinks that this is a great book , and I dont wanna be snobbish and discard the opinion of all those smart people , but what shall I say!! It did not sound fun to me.

There are parts that I liked , especially the atmosphere of deep innocence that wraps the girls ,,, innocence that is missed everywhere in every aspect of our daily life. But as for the structure of a fine novel it is just boring ... there are no clear rising actions towards a clear -and attractive- plot!! I kept going through the chapters waiting for a ''problem'' a thing that needs solving or a thing that makes you hold your breath.

I dont know ,,, It gave me the feeling of being scratched with a knife ,that did not cut deep enough in the flesh of fiction.

I am really sorry for all of those who think that this is a good book , but this is what I truly think and am happy anyway that this one book down from my ''to read'' list.

An Episode as Great as a Movie

2011-10-23T15:19:00.004+01:00

Yesterday I watched Episode 17 of Season 2 of Grey's Anatomy.

I just need to say that that was an episode as fine as a great movie! They managed to build a great story in 45 minutes and get us attached to the deepest point.

The music and the scene when Grey falls after the explosion , the way in which her hands are spread helplessly , and the music ,,,, God the music!! It was perfect.

Most of all I loved how the dream Meredith had the night before was interpreted in her reality but with different characters and a very similar scene. This happens to me , I see dreams with characters that I dont know , but they happen to be actual people or concepts that I live ,,, Its like a call from inside in order to liberate something clogged inside the soul....

That was a great great episode of a great great show ....

When November Comes

2011-10-22T20:28:00.004+01:00

Vocabulary I learned Today: DNR

2011-10-22T12:50:00.002+01:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Do_not_resuscitate

Is not that sad? I know sometimes life is sad when a person is so so sick , but does that mean we can deny him/here one extra chance?

Back to Russian Class: 10 Years Younger

2011-10-17T21:29:00.004+01:00

Today I went back to Russian Class ...

It is not that I am happy ,,, no ,,, I am Revived ,,,

I feel 10 years younger , and sorry for all that time without my amazing amazing Roski YAzik

A page from my paper Diary

2011-10-16T19:01:00.001+01:00

هنالك شيءٌ في الأبواب الخلفيّة يبعث على الأسى ..

اليوم أدخلتني دانة إلى المستشفى من باب خلفي، أفضى إلى ممرٍّ رماديّ ،بأرضيّة غير مبلّطة، و على طول الممر أسرّة حديديّة قديمة و فرشات مهترئة و مكوّمة بعبثية.

فجاجة المشهد ليست مهمّة حيال أن ''الباب الخلفي '' هو السرّ الذي يكشفه المكان لأولئك الذين يعيشون أنصاف حياتهم فيه.

"الباب الخلفي" الذي يعرفه معه المرء خبايا مكانٍ ما ، حياةٍ ما ..

عمري اثنان و عشرون عاماً ، و ما زلت أجلس على مداخل الأفكار و الأشياء و التجارب ...

ما زلتُ لا أملك علاّقة مفاتيح ،ليس لدي عبورٌ خاص نحو أي شيء ، و لي نصيبٌ من حياةٍ في كل مكان و لكن ليس لي "حياة كاملة" إلا داخل رأسي.

أريد أن أخرج من رأسي لمدّة أسبوع واحدٍ فقط ... أنا بخير ، والله أنا بخير، و لكنني اليوم و أنا أهبط درَجَ السماء (الدرج بين مستشفى الجامعة و كشك القهوة في الأسفل) شعرت بالنهاية تمرمر حلقي.

أفكرّ بسطر كتبته تقى هلال على الفيس بوك ، قالت: ان الواقع هو الشيء الذي يبقى موجوداً عندما تكفُّ عن الإيمان. أكان هذا هو ما قالته بالضبط؟ لعلّه ما أود أن أقول أنا.

مؤسفٌ هذا الصباح...

الصباح الذي أستيقظ فيه و أجد أن تلك النقطة من روحي، التي كانت ترغب بقوة، ترغب بقوة مؤمنةً أنها ستغير سيناريو القدر .. أن أجدَ تلك النقطة ممعنةً في الخدر ..

يا الله ... هذه هي البراءة ، أن أجلس كل ليلة إلى دفتري و أن اكتب عنك ... أنت .. يا أنت .. أكتب عنك و أصلّي بخشوع أيقونة من كنيسة قديمة ، و بصمت راهب بوذي حليق الرأس ، و ببياص لحية شيخ صوفي .. أن أرغب بكل ما أوتيت من يقين ، أن أرغب بك ، و أن أؤمن أن ال cosmo

، أن الكون سيتوقّف لحظة عند صوتي. ..

صوتي الذي يتأرجح بين نحيب لا يأتي و قهقهة لا تكتمل .. صوتي...صوتي له جسد، لا يمكن للكون أن يتعثّر به دون أن يغيّر مساره قليلاً لأجلي ..

والله..

الله .. مالك الملك.. يسمع صوتي ، يراني و أنا متأكدة من أنه يبتسم .. كم أنا ضئيلة أمام علمه الكاشف .. ما أنا إلا نقطة على مخطط الكون الشاسع ، مع ذلك أؤمن أنني إذا رغبت بشيء بشدة فإنني قادرة على جعله يحصل فعلاً..

و لكنني اليوم مهزوزة...

قلبي الواقع بين اصبعين من اصابع الرحمن، هذا القلب ذاته وقف صامتاً أمام دهشة الصباح ...

كم هي مدهشةٌ الصباحات ...

كم هي حبلى بالاحتمالات، مع ذلك لا أحسّ أنّ في هذا البريد الكوني رسالةً لي. إنني أتصفح وجوه كل العابرين، و عندما أدرك أن الوجه الي أبحث عنه بالرغم من قربه بعيد .. أنه بالرغم من وجوده غائب .. و انّ كل شيء ممكن سواه ، أشعر باليتم و بالترمُّل و بالحداد دفعةً واحدةً.

ما أشدّ وطأة كل شيء على كل شيء، و ما أشدّ وطأتك على حكايتي ..ما أشدّ وطأتك "يا أنت" .

صباح الخير

مستشفى الجامعة

١١-١٠-٢٠١١

I cant make it stop

2011-10-16T17:57:00.005+01:00

Today I was silently reading in the Reading Hall of the Faculty of Education.

It was so quiet , and for a vague vague reason I could not stop weeping inside my head and it broke free ,,, I cried ,,, It went out and the tears were there for everyone to see ,,,

I cant stop it ,, I cant stop it ,, Its getting the best of me and I cant control it ,,,

In a quiet empty hall for a vague reason I cried because of a person who has no clue.

It feels as bad as being hit by a racing train ,,, and I go on weeping inside my head

Dr Burke Quote

2011-10-15T12:39:00.005+01:00

The way you are feeling right now its why I have to believe in something bigger than me , because If I did not then this powerlessness would eat me alive.

Pulling Out My Old Treasures

2011-10-15T11:21:00.008+01:00

As i went back to talking to Dana , I started remembering old things and thinking about old thoughts. So today I opened a bag that I brought closed from Spain , where I had put all the little things , that I was so anguished to classify or to consider.

From that bag I pulled my wallet's hangers and my silver bracelets .

My Wallet hangers:

An Owl Sara got me when we were freshmen or so ,,, I love owls , they are wise and they bring bad luck to everyone but good luck to me.

A tiny Castañuela that I brought from Spain the first time ,,, Castanuelas are an instrument used while dancing Flamenco ,,,, It reminds me of Spain , my Spain , the Spain of my little dreams.

And the Bracelets

One of them Says: Congratulations . Ruba brought it to me when I published my novel ,,, It always reminded me of the people in my life who are proud of me ,,,

The other Bracelet says: Hayat with a big space , and on the other side: / /

This is a bracelet I made for my daughter , when I have one , I will name her Hayat and in the space am gonna write her fathers name , and between the slashes I am gonna write her birthday.

Those are my treasures ,,,, I pull them now to make the future more appealing , to feel like i wanna go on.

First Time on Skype Ever Since

2011-10-15T11:21:00.005+01:00

I dont know why , and although I am the talkative person I am but I get sooooo weird on Skype. I avoid it , I actually avoid talking to a lot of people , although I love them!!

So yesterday I had a moment of courage and I went and opened my Skype for the first time ever since I came back from Spain , and I was ready to talk to anybody who is online ,,,Whoever would it be , it must be someone I love and have not talked to in a long time ,,,,

First I talked to Sara , then To Wafa in Morocco , to Ana Martinez in Spain , to Najeeb in KSA and to Samura in USA.

I did it!! I did it!!! I talked to the ones I love in Spite of my creepy awkward dull relationship with technology :)))

Mohammad Tommaleh: One Gone Icon

2011-10-13T08:55:00.003+01:00

Today is the third anniversary of Mohammad Tommaleh ,,,, It has been three years already!

God how much I missed him. I dont miss him the way we miss writers , poets or celebrities ... But I miss him in the most personal way as if he was my friend , or my neighbour , or the guy who sat opposite me in a boring office.

It hurts me how , with the flow of days, we will run out of things to say about Mohammad ,,, we will run out of his texts ''that we have never read before'' ,,,, Mohammad is entirely between our hands and its a matter of how we administrate his memory ,,,

I miss him I miss him so bad , he used to say something , that little thing that always got clogged inside our minds as we tried to utter it ,,, he said it for us , he even said the dirty words for us because he knew we were so neutral to say them.

Please Rest in Peace Mohammad ,,, for once in your life , or better said: "for once in your existence".

سيارة اسعاف

تمر قربي سيارة اسعاف مسرعة جدا, وزعيقها يخيفني: جريمة. شجار أسفر عن كدمات ورضوض استوجبت تدخل الاطباء. سقطة عن الطابق الثاني نجم عنها جروح قطعية. تسمم بعد وجبة.

زعيق سيارة الاسعاف يخيفني: ما الذي يحدث في هذه اللحظة؟ انفجرت جرة غاز عند الجيران. سيارة دعست ولدا كان في الطريق الى الدكان. عجوز لم ينم ليلة البارحة من فرط السعال. جلطة اصابتني في مقتل. رصاصة طائشة. حجر طائش. موت طائش.

زعيق سيارة الاسعاف يشعرني بأنني ضعيف: ترى رجلا وقورا ومهيبا, ولكن انظر اليه اذا لسعته نحلة.

واذا اصابه زكام, واذا هرول في الطريق للحاق الباص, أين الهيبة؟ أين الوقار والوجاهة؟ اللعنة... ما أتفهني, أموت لأي سبب. هكذا:

"محمد طمليه" مات البارحة, هل دفنوه؟ لقد حملوه الى المقبرة, ولوحظ اثناء غسله قبل التكفين انه ضئيل جداً, وبائس جداً. هل كان حزينا؟ لم ندقق في وجهه, كنا على عجل من أمرنا, فأمامنا جثمان آخر وقبر مفتوح على الدوام.

اسمع زعيق سيارة الاسعاف, وأتساءل متى يحين دوري؟.

محمد طمليه بتاريخ 17-9-2008

Stepping on New Land

2011-10-12T23:24:00.002+01:00

Today -and after a very long and tiring effort to get the group together- we got our long awaited Conversation class .

God , how happy I am!!! I thought it would be a cool class , but I also kept in mind that it might be a tremendous failure as I struggled making the games. Its haaaaard to make conversation games for Level 1!!! Each word I put looked horrifying and extremely hard.

But as the groups got together the performance of the boys astonished me!! I knew they had it in them but when I actually saw them having a Proper conversation mostly in Spanish with the Spaniards I was flying in joy inside me.

Today is the day 12 of October ,,, Dia de la Hispanidad , which is the day in which Columbus discovered America , he stepped on a new land. And so did I!!

Estoy super Orgullosa de mis niños , tengo fe en ellos y me siento muy satisfecha ... Alhamdulillah

I love my Board :))))

2011-10-12T00:14:00.001+01:00

And I love my Board ,,, it reminded me of my first board ,,, God I was shaking in that far far day , and now am as confident as ''Confident Mothers"

October Blue Cafe: Finally Something that Respects The Taste

2011-10-11T18:37:00.003+01:00

Finally!!!

Ala took us today to a new Restaurant close to the University , and the Sandwich tasted as good as it looked in the Menu ,,,, I am just gonna cry in emotion!!! It has been sooooo long since I last ate something thats worth the calories ,,,, I love October Blue :)))

Those who give a meaning to our simple existence

2011-10-10T04:33:00.000+01:00

A couple of days ago I had my morning coffee with Rashati . When I went back home I found this picture on Facebook.

I have always said: Those who truly love you are the ones who take pictures of you while you are not looking , because for them your existence is worthy of a celebration.

Thank You Rashati ,,, You are the best Coffee Mate Ever :)

My Mp5 Is Back: I am The Queen of The Road

2011-10-09T11:20:00.003+01:00

For a week I had to go down the streets without my Mp5!!! It was soooo hard ,,, streets were so long and boring , and the University!! Oh the University!! So Loud and annoying with all kinds of peoples trash-conversation pouring through my ears ,,, Boys thinking they are so funny making you hear their craaaaaaaaaaaaaap ,,, God I cant believe that my Mp5 is Back ,,,,

Am so sorry for all the times that I pulled you from the computer without ''safely remove hardware" option ,,, Please forgive me ,,,

Something I wrote a while ago

2011-10-08T22:32:00.002+01:00

Sometimes I find things that I wrote and I get surprised by my sudden honesty. Sometimes I write eloquent things just because I love writing , but sometimes I feel that some eloquent texts do Write me ,,, they dictate my true feelings on me and the liberate me from the heaviness of unuttered words.

His soul is so warm ,,, his existence is thick and deep , you can penetrate his horizon with a huge sigh. He is a person ,, he is even a Persona ... Good enough for a novel or a poem ,,, He says cheesy things in a manly tune ,,, he is TRUE ,,, God I wanna cry infinitely ,,, I cant believe that there is a chance that I might read this after a while and look at myself without him ,,, I will hate it then ,,, I already hate everything ,,, I feel so so so weak ,,, so impotent towards fate , towards not having control over the things that mean the most.

New Facebook Profile Picture: I Am Too Young For This

2011-10-07T09:58:00.002+01:00

So this is my new Facebook Profile Picture ,,, I did not write anything under it and have not given it much of a thought. This is why -as its facebookly proven- the things least thought are the things that get most ''likes'' and comments!!!

As I looked at the picture I thought its misleading. I look ''Astute" ,, I look as if I own the dance-floor and I know where exactly to put me feet. But that is not me ... I am mainly the ''Clumsy'' girl who drops things , pumps into tables , drops coffee on her clothes , falls in love and out of love in a couple of days , never gets the hints and laughs on the least funny jokes.

Lately I got into a conversation with an old friend concerning some unresolved topics,,,I was told things that made me ''universally distracted'' as I got to fill the gaps of an old story. I was startled with my ability to ignore the signs, my ability to not bring the parts together ,,, mainly I was startled with how naive I am and how I can be simply fooled by crusts.

I am too young for all of this ,,, I always run to my Mama's wisdom , but now I cant ask her because I still need time to figure out what to share with her because I dont want to go ''breaking her icons'' I want her to keep respecting the people who confuse me , until my confusion is over.

I am so young for all of this ,,, I still need an other life added to mine to be able to believe that ''evil slutty bitches'' look just like any simple standard girl.

So I had to take that street?

2011-10-06T11:39:00.002+01:00

So this Thursday , after I was done with my classes and was left alone in peace I wandered down the university looking for a place to pray. I thought I wanna go pray in a new faculty in which I have never prayed before. I tried to enter the IT faculty but it was closed, so I asked two girls who were leaving Biologu building if there were a close oratory , they said IT ,I said its closed so they said: Then go to the library.

I have prayed in the library many many times , and I could have simply kept walking towards the south but I went to the library taking the ''Students Deanship" street , and as I passed by I saw a group of 7 boys and girls and each of them had a Oud on their backs , so I flew the staris to ask them were do they rehearse and who teaches them.

So there he was a fine young man who presented himself as the Ex-president of Arts Club of the Deanship , he runs a project called Bait Al-Oud and he said that he is running for next weeks clubs' election and that if he wins then the project will go on and he will be able to take me in the group.

I got listed for the elections and am going to vote next week. This Oud thing has not worked for the last 4 years in spite of all my enthusiasm towards it .. I am just thinking that maybe I wandered around , asked the girls and took the same old street just to be there on time to find the group and feel immediately good about it.

I Hope it works this time and I get to play the Andalusi art that I have always wanted to play ,,, Ya Rabb :)))

Yesternight I had a dream

2011-10-05T23:43:00.002+01:00

Yesternight I had a dream ,,,,

I need to mention that I woke up so upset. Efffftttttt ,,, what is it now!!! ...

So the dream goes like this: Am sitting on the top of a staircase in a place that looks like King Hussein Cancer Centre - but its so big and perfect- and the busy street -where I almost got run over by a car the day before- was so calm in the dream.

One of my students -the one whom I used to hate- comes to me and gives me his car keys and he says that he is gonna go in , do some work and then he will come back so we will take the class.

The silence in this dream had a Body!! It was so silent , and I was sitting on the stais watching a florescent light for I dont know how long ,when a far door opened and all my stuedntes came out running. They were racing to the car. So I stood overlooking them ad I jiggled the keys ,,,, I wanted them to remember that I had the keys and that there is no point of running towards the car but they raced anyway.

Emad was the first to give up the race and he gently stopped and moved away , then Tareq stopped ... as for Khaled and Matt they almost got there together but Matt got to the car one step before Khaled. Then they started looking for the jiggling sound ... we laughed a little then Matt came up to me and I gave him his keys , he said: yalla we will see in class. And they all went.

I tried to get to the class but I could not ,,, My hair grew so thick , long and heavy and each time I tried to wrap my Hijab I just could not . After trying and trying I just gave up and I did not go to class!!

What the hell does that mean!!!

I woke up grumpy and even worried , I even felt the urge to call Emad. The way he gave up on the race worried me , I thought it might have something to do with their applications to USA hospitals or something .... But then I was like , it will go away ,,, it will go away ,, Besm allah Erahman Eraheem ,,,, what does that mean

A page from my paper Diary

2011-10-05T22:36:00.003+01:00

ما أضيق العيش .. و دعوني من فسحة الأمل، لا أريد أن أشغل نفسي بها. الأمل يُضجرني ، كلّ شيء يضجرني ، و الشيء الوحيد الذي أرغب في عمله هو النوم.

النوم مُذْهِب للعقل و حلال و أنا متعبة جداً جداً جداً، مجرّد فكرة الاستمرار في اليقظة ترهقني .. يرهقني التواصل الاجتماعي بكل أشكاله، بدءاً من التعايش مع والديّ في البيت و انتهاءً بآليّة التقاء عيوني مع عيون الغرباء عندما أمشي في الشارع.

بالأمس نمتُ كما لم أنم منذ زمن. ذلك النوع من النوم كالبحر الذي له ظُلل. طبقاتٌ و طبقاتٌ من اللاوعي، و ذلك التعب الذي كان متجمعاً في أطرافي أخذ ينسحب مني كمصرفٍ فُتِحَ فجأة.

أعرف أن هذا ليس التشبيه الأكثر توفيقاً و لكنه الأقرب إلى تجمُّع النعاس و التعب و القرف و الاستياء، الذي كنت أحس به عمليّاً و فيزيائياً في أول خط في جسدي بعد الجلد مباشرة.

مع ذلك عندما استيقظت، شعرت بأمواج النعاس تطوّحني في عالم اليقظة. أهنالك بشرٌ غيري ممّن ينزلقون على الموكيت و يرتطمون بالأثاث بشكل يومي؟ و بعد ذلك هنالك طابور الموج الذي يرتطم بأغشية أذني من الداخل .. الدّوار .. الدّوار يأتي واضحاً واضحاً لا شية فيه، يسحب الأرض من تحت قدميّ و يلصقها على الجدران ، لا شيء في مكانه سواي ...

أراني ضعيفة، ضئيلة وسط دوّامة لحمي و دمي ، هرموناتي و إنزيماتي التي تنهش معدتي شخصياً.. أمشي في بيت أهلي كروحٍ قديمة ، أرى الصالون شاسعاً و الممر ممطوطاً لانهائياً ،و الحمام بعيد جداً جداً,,,

يؤسفني أن أقول هذا بعد كل هذا العمر ، و لكنني أشعر بالـ

antipatía

حيال المكان بكل تفاصيله، و لا أسميه إلا بيت أهلي .. ما عاد بإمكاني أن أسمّيه "دارنا" كما كان دائماً .. ما عاد كذلك! ما عاد كذلك ، و أشعر بالتشرّد ، و بشي ءمن الأسى ... و الكثير الكثير من النعاس.

كنت أنام إلى جوار جدّتي عند باب السطح . كنت انام سعيدة جداً جداً بالقرب منها ، و من حرارة جسمها ، و من رائحتها التي تتداخل مع الريحان و القرفة. و لكننا الآن ننام متفرقين في الطابق السفلي منذ انشغل طابقنا بالضيوف.

اففففففت,,,,

توقفت للحظة لأتذكر لماذا قلت كل هذا؟

كنت أريد أن أقول أنني ضجرة من الأمل ، ضجرة من ملامح وجهي، و من عدم إخلاصي لاستيائي ... من انتقالي الأوتماتيكي من مزاج إلى مزاج لأتجنّب المقالب الاجتماعيّة و الحوارات التي قد تأخذ منحىً عميقاً قد يؤدي في التالي إلى قلب معدتي.

أريد أن انام حقاً على سرير يريحني في غرفة أحبها و على وسادة حقيقية، لعدد لانهائي من الساعات ، و دون ان تفتح أمي الباب كل قليل لتنظر إليّ بقرف و استياء يطرد ملائكة النوم...

و أريد أن أستيقظ لأجلس على طاولة تريحني في غرفة أحبها و أدرس كما ينبغي ، و أريد ألّا يكلمني أحد..

أنا ، تقوى ناجح مساعدة أقول و أنا بكامل قواي العقلية أنني لا أريد أن يكلمني أحد و لا أريد أن أكلم انا أحداً.

خلص

finitto

قلت كل شيء ، استهلكت اللغات .. اهترأ الكلام يا جماعة، و لا أجد بداخلي -مهما نقّبت- لا الرغبة و لا القدرة على أن أقول شيئا بعد.

خلص. قلت كل شيء. كتبت كل شيء .. أصلاً لو كانت اللغات رجلاً لقتلتْنِي ... أرهقتها و أنا أهرطق ، عن كل شيء و عن كل أحد ... عن أكبر التجارب و عن أبسط المشاعر ، عن المدن الكبرى و عن أصغر الزقاقات و عن أتفه المقاهي و حتى عن كرة القدم.

لقد قُلت كل شيء، و رغم إيماني بأن الطاقة لا تفنى و لا تستحدث و إنما تنتقل من شكل إلى آخر، إلا أن كل تلك الطاقة التي وضعتها في الكلام ضاعت في الفراغ ... ضاعت .. ضاعت...أنا لا أتكلم لغة أحد.

أنا ...

تلك الطفلة ذات الشعر المنشور المتشابك ، الحافية التي تدور في الحواكير لتعذّب الجنادب و تقطع لكل عنكبوت قدمه السابعة و الثامنة لتلحقه بمجموعة "الحشرات " ... تلك الطفلة هي أنا بلا زيادة و لا نقصان ، و كلّ ما تعلمته منذ ذلك الحين حتى الآن لم يقربني ولا خطوة واحدة من "الآخرين" .

كلُّ الآخرين معاً ، و أنا "معي" ، و يقتلني الضجر ... الضجر ... الضجر و النعاس .

٥-١٠-٢٠١١

Tara Lynn is Fluffy Too , she Stands for me ...

2011-10-05T21:19:00.002+01:00

An article I received on Facebook ... It stands for me:

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)

You are Nobody

2011-10-05T00:41:00.002+01:00

Years ago , I would have opposed the discourse of this song. I would have opposed the mere idea of considering one's self anything based on what others consider him/her. But now , actually today I feel so deeply deeply deeply ''nobody''.

I happen to be a smart funny interesting person , but apparently it is not enough.

This is how those things work,,,,They happen , you cant make them ,,,so no skills nor powers are useful , its just a turn on fate's line , and it did turn my way.

It just did not :)

You Dont Know My Name

2011-10-04T15:57:00.001+01:00

Will you ever know? This is a good question indeed

But for Now : It feels so Oooooo Ooooooo

At whatever Age: A Balloon always makes you happy

2011-10-03T15:58:00.002+01:00

Today Orange were distributing balloons for their new campaign ,,, The street was all Orange and everyone were happy with their balloons. I took one , and gave it to Sara ,,,, It was weird in Gardens street though.

One Fine Day

2011-10-02T17:37:00.006+01:00

Today I had what we can call ''One Fine Day'' . It was so simple yet so surprising.

This year I was prepared to be BORED to death. Everyone said so , and I thought so as my friends have graduated and nobody my age is left but Mays , and Ala who happens to work in the university.

But suddenly those friends to whom I only used to say ''Hi/Bye'' to , come to the spot of light and astonish me with the great potential of ''humanity'' they have in them!! Maybe I did not see that before , maybe I was so absorbed into my own ''group'' that I did not give others a chance!

I had my morning cofe -my for ever LONELY activity- with Sasha ,,, we had a great conversation , she is sooo smart and pure ,,, I never knew that!! Then came Mays and Fatimah , and I wanted to eat breakfast in JUs Tables Restaurant -this is how we call it- but we got there late , so Fatima was like: Why not go to the 3amade Cafeteria? and I was like: Does 3amade even have a Cafeteria? ,,,, 5 years in Ju and I did not know that -not even thought about eating somewhere else!- .

We went to the 3amade and met some cute friends of Fatima's ,,, they are all writers -you could actually hear people reciting poetry in the background while eating in the cafeteria- painters , musicians or actors. (I am gonna write SOMETHING , one big thing about why and how I isolated myself from anything culture related and ended up blogging and writing diaries , this is an important topic) ... The ambient was good!! Surprisingly.

Then Fatimah took us to the Painting Hall to show us her paintings.

When we entered -Mays and I- we remembered when we were freshmen and came to the same place to learn to draw!! (How arrogant , or Dreamy was that!!) ... We hung around there for like 3 months and then we stopped going. Being back there brought me back to those days , when I used to draw and listen to Yazan Erousan and gaze infinitely in the existence!! How Pure was my soul by then!!

Even the Hall's director remembered us , she said: you were here 3 years ago! She told us we can come anytime and pick up from where we left ,,,, (Am so coming back!!!)

Look at our pictures :))))

Fatimah with her paintings

Mays is just a Beauty!!! Mashalla !!!

Afterwards we went to a Linguistics Symposium in Language Centre and there we assisted a lecture about translation , that was presented by Dr Luis Miguel Canada who is the Director of ''La Escuela de Traductores de Toledo'' ... A very very prestigious and fine school related to La Universidad de Castilla La Mancha which has a good program for translators between Arabic and Spanish.

The lecture was just great , ad the ambient was soooooooo SMART ,,,, there were 4 -not 1 not not 2 not 3 but 4 - interpretation booths as they were translating the symposium to English , Arabic , Spanish , German and French.

I was so proud of my faculty ,,, It was so amazingly special!!! Dr Hussien presented a paper about the translation of the word ''Sheikh'' in Arabic English and Spanish. You know those little mind notes you put aside while reading a translation? Those are the things that make a very great paper on translation!!!

Afterwards I talked to Dr Hussein on the stairs of Language Centre and I showed him some of my questions on the interpretations. He asked me about the conference - the one in Prince Hamza Hospital- and I told him: Everybody was thrilled about my translation, but I was not satisfied. So he said: Hija mia, en el trabajo de un traductor nunca se llega a la satisfaccion , siempre hay algo mejor. (Oh daughter, in a translators work , you will never reach satisfaction , there is always something better) .

*********

Afterwards Mays and I went to have a cup of coffee in the Milk Bar , and as I was sitting on the pavement I saw Rose. Rose is an old school friend whom I have been trying to meet for the last two months but never really got to fix a date. I ran to her and we went on yelling , jumping , hugging and talking for very nice 15 minutes ,,,, I love this picture ,,, I dont look good but I look happy as I used to be when I was a child ,,, I am blessed to have the friends I have,,,

Actually today as I was wandering around with Mays I told her: We were deprived one ENTIRE JU YEAR ,,, I know that we were in Spain , but our Jordanian University experience is one years shorter than everybody else's , and that we are now getting a new chance to retrieve everything we missed.

I am so blessed ,,, blessed to the deepest point of my Existence ,,, Alhamdullilah

Adele if Fluffy!!!

2011-10-01T21:02:00.004+01:00

I have never seen a picture of Adele although I have been a big fan of her great voice and perfect choice of words.

I never thought that the world of ''celebrities'' would welcome a girl my size in it. I know hiw this might sound , but anyway am happy , happy that a fluffy person gets a chance in this anorexic world.

I feel so represented and proud,,,, I love you Adele

A Quote from My Show: Grey's Anatomy

2011-10-01T11:36:00.004+01:00

Although I loathe and detest both of them Derek and Meredith for their dull and unconvincing love story , but I loved this quote , he said this to her when she asked him why he did not sign his divorce papers to terminate his marriage with Addison:

I was married for eleven years , Adison is my family, that is 11 thanksgivings , 11 birthdays and 11 Christmases and in one day I am supposed to sign one piece of paper and end my family .. A person does not do that not without a little hesitation ... I am entitled to a little uncertainty here , just a moment to understand the magnitude of what it means to cut somebody out of my life, I am entitled to at least one moment of painful doubt and a little understanding from you would be nice.

The Sky Today ...My heart now

2011-09-29T00:45:00.006+01:00

Today I went to see Sara in Gardens Street and then came back in Taxi. It was so crowded and so I asked the driver to drop me infront of the University's Hospital gate , thinking that I will walk from there to my class on the northern gate. (Silly me!! O

f course I would not do that , especially not in 30 minutes!!)

I bought a cup of coffee from a very very angry couple in the Hospitals Kiosk (That was loads of fun to watch!!! This is what I love about the Hospital's zone - althouhgt this might sound so selfish but! - there you get to watch life in its true course.

I sat there , looking at the hazy sky , on the stairs that remind me of an old story ...I sat there thinking.

Maybe it was 1991 or 1992 , by then I was so little , I did not even go to school yet , my uncle Wael was sick and was admitted to JU's hospital ,,, I was visiting , maybe because I was so little they did not let me in -cant actually remember- and I just looked at the stairs and the busy people , then there was a couple of doctors , a guy and a girl , they came down the stairs looking at each other and smiling dearly ,,,, exactly when they crossed from infront of me the air blew and their white -white white white- lab-coats flew and I felt that they can fly.

This is a very very far image from the depth of my hazy memory ,,, but I remember it as if it was yesterday , in times when I thought that love was simple and reachable....

If anybody has told that child that many many moons later she would be standing here alone and distant, she would not have believed.

But in spite of everything -and here am not mentioning any of those things- I feel that there is sun behind all that sand. I believe Strongly ,,, I believe

Erasmus Once Erasmus Forever

2011-09-26T22:36:00.002+01:00

A french friend of mine , whom I met in Granada posted this video today.

It made me laugh a little , remember things and sigh. I dont suffer nostalgy or the usual Pos-Erasmus Trauma ... I just dont.

I feel represented by a part of this Erasmus culture but am not that entirely. I am an Hispanista ... my story with Spain has many many pages , and those two scholarships were nothing more than a preface. I still have a lot to do ,, a lot of travelling , a lot of hunger and insomnia on the uncomfortable beds, but I have a Legend to fulfil and I will enshalla.

How Dare You!!!

2011-09-25T22:43:00.004+01:00

Today I went to JU's Clinic because I was feeling unwell for the last three weeks.

I usually tend to hate going to see doctors. I get so confused , a bit defensive , and the smell ,,, Oh The smell kills my nerves. But I was getting dizzy so I felt like I have to go. You know, because now I go to classes with people that I dont know , If anything happens to me , its gonna be extra humiliating to fall in front of a bunch of strangers lol!!

The doctor who saw me was nice, but he said something after he saw my urine analysis -yet another humiliating moment- that pissed me off. He said that its an alleged pain!! and thats nothing is going on with me ,,, he said to me and I quote: Are you under any type of pressure? Do you have problems? You need to Relax , go to Aqaba , spend a few days then come back!!

I cant believe that this was said to ME !! ME!! I manufacture and export happiness and relaxation !!!

.........

.......

.....

...

Is it possible that I am that worried?!!!

Out in the Open

2011-09-25T00:49:00.003+01:00

This is a picture of me smoking in Madrid a week after the Spanish national smoking ban in all bars and restaurants. I never published this picture , although I loved it and it was a very funny moment , when I was trying to look like am inside while I am outside. I never published it anywhere because my family did not know that I smoke.

I have smoked for the last 7 years. I am not a heavy smoker, neither do I d like those who smoke a lot. For me smoking is a pleasure that I practice a couple of times a week.

Today my parents found out about it. They were too astonished with the mere thought that ''their little angel'' smokes. They were mad , even furious but I was happy.

I hate all things that are hidden, I just hate them. For the last 7 years I reached the point where I stopped thinking about ''my smoking'' ... It was my morning ritual that I dont share not even with my best friends and there is no need to accompany such moment with explanations to anybody. But It just annoyed me , that am a 22 years old girl and that I still have hidden files.

Today I am happy ,,, I came clean ,,, They dont accept me by the way , but this is who I am , whether they like it or not.

My Heart right now

2011-09-24T23:31:00.002+01:00

I feel that my own Anatomy has betrayed me ,,,

My own heart beat tricked me ,,,

My Adrenaline went pouring over nothing ,,,

But I can also say , that there is some light at the end of the tunnel...

I dont know where did I see that , but sometimes hope obliges the existence,, Obliges the sequence of actions to bring something our way ,,,

I have always thought about this prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference

And now I think: Maybe I cant change anything about it , but I am still eager to take my chances. It might not be wise , neither will it grant serenity to my heart but I cant just let all that slip away from my hands.

God ,,,, Give me courage to keep going on this un-wise , un-serene track ,,, God ,, God ,,God ,, Listen to me ,,,Hold my heart ,,, You know better than anybody how tormented I am and how much I need your hand to guide me ,,, God God God ,,,,

If I Wanna Dance on a Pole Am not Asking for Anybodys Permession

2011-09-23T16:54:00.003+01:00

See this article:

http://www.almadenahnews.com/newss/news.php?c=519&id=106655

So what if a woman wants to learn to dance on a pole? What If I wanna learn to do anything?

Who are you to tell me what should I and what should not I do?!!!

I hate this ranting and yelling tune , but such articles and discussions drive me nuts. So a muslim woman in England decides to dance on a pole and then publishes a picture of her earing Niqab next to the pole and to her trainer. And people start ranting about it , and they go with the usual ''insulting Islam" tape!!!

Now , What I think about it:

The lady should not have published such a picture. It is not that I am saying it Haram or wrong, I just say its inappropriate. With all the connotations related to pole dancing it would be so confusing for everybody to see the picture of a girl with Niqab next to one.

And for heavens sake: If you are so open minded -and am really happy for you- to learn such a fine type of art -according to me- how come you forget the opinion of your entire culture about it? Why would you think that everybody sees the same way as you did? How did you forget how people tend to be in such topics , and why -On Gods Name- do you care to show them what you have learned?

About those who ranted and got all worked up with the news , Specially that ''fine'' lady that said: A true muslim women would not accept it to herself to learn such a type of dancing. For that woman among all I say: Shut the Hell Up!!!

Stop asking all muslim women to be a copy of each other!! Who ever said that we are supposed to be alike? To like the same things , do the same things and treat our men and family through the same exact steps?

Not all women who wear Hijab are alike , they dont wear it the same way , nor do they wear it for the same motives. If a Muslim woman learns to dance whatever type of dance and performs it based on Gods regulation and Shariaa (Not infront of men with whom she is not related ,and without being dressed provocatively) then its a skill that she has , a pleasure that she experiences ,,,,and guess what: an extra point for her that makes her better from you , YOU bitter sad helpless woman who blames her lack of confidence on Islam.

See this video ,,, tell me that this is not art , and that a woman who dances like Shakira is just as appealing to her husband as a woman who does not!

ka ma8ha sa3éer ho el 7obb

2011-09-23T16:53:00.003+01:00

كمقهى صغير هو الحب

محمود درويش - فلسطين

كمقهى صغير علي شارع الغرباء
هو الحبّ... يفتح أَبوابه للجميع.
كمقهى يزيد وينقص وَفْق المناخ
إذا هَطَلَ المطر ازداد روَّاده،
وإذا اعتدل الجوّ قَلّوا ومَلّوا...

أَنا هاهنا يا غريبة في الركن أجلس
ما لون عينيكِ؟ ما اَسمك؟
كيف أناديك حين تمرِّين بي ،
وأَنا جالس في انتظاركِ ؟

كمقهى صغيرٌ هو الحبّ.
أَطلب فنجانيّ قهوة
وأَشرب قهوتي وقهوتك.
أحمل قبَّعتين وشمسيَّة.
إنها تمطر الآن.

تمطر أكثر من أيِّ يوم،
ولا تدخلينَ
أَقول لنفسي أَخيرا:
لعلَّ التي كنت انتظر
انتظَرتْني... أَو انتظرتْ رجلا آخر
انتظرتنا ولم تتعرف عليه اوعليَّ،
وكانت تقول: أَنا هاهنا في انتظاركَ.

ما لون عينيكَ؟ أَيَّ عطرٍ تحبّ؟
وما اَسمكَ؟
كيف أناديكَ حين تمر امامي

كمقهى صغير ... هو الحب

A page from my paper Diary

2011-09-21T22:39:00.006+01:00

صباح الخير يا أنا ...

ما أغرب هذا الصباح، كنت أودّ أن أقول أن "الوحدة تمتدّ شاسعة حولي" و لكن الأمر ليس هكذا.

إنني و بعد كل هذه السنين من الغوص في الكتب و الروايات و الملاحم و المعاجم أجدني عاجزة عن إيجاد كلمة تصف غرابة هذا الصباح.

ما أغرب هذا الصباح ...

حتى القهوة بلا طعم ، و ضجة الناس في كافتيريا المستشفى تخترقني كما لو كنت ورقة... حتى ذلك الطبيب الصغير الذي كان يتنفس فوق كتفي بفضول في طابور القهوة بدا لي مُحزِناً و بائساً.

في النهاية ما هو الفضول؟

هو شهوة كشف الحجاب عن الأنصاف المحجوبة من كل القصص.

هذه الشهوة التي تدوخني ...الشهوة التي قادتني طوال سنين حياتي...الشهوة التي حددت نيابة عني كل المقاعد التي جلست عليها في المقاهي و المطاعم و الحافلات و الأعراس و المحاضرات ، الكرسي الأقرب إلى ما يثير فضولي...

لكن بالأمس أصابني فضولي في مقتل. كان نهاري طويلا جدا، و كان النعاس يهدهد دماغي داخل جمجمتي.

جلست أمام عمارة خليفة أشرب علبة ميراندا أراقب سيل السيارات و زحمة المساء. ربما استمعت إلى أغنية

Jueves

قرابة العشر مرات.

كنت أشعر بالتعب ... شيء يفوق حدود الجسد. حتى أشجار الجامعة الأردنية كانت تتنهد نيابة عني.. كل عمان كانت تتوهج أمام عيني كاللقطة الأخيرة من فيلم يتوهج قبل أن تسودّ الشاشة.

كنت أحس بشعور واحد فقط واضح المعالم هو الدهشة.

ما الذي يجري تحديداً؟ أيعقل أنني لم أكن أحس بشيء، أم أنها مرة أخرى تلك المشاعر التي لا اسم لها؟ ...

فكّرت حينها بأن إعاقتي النفسية لم تسمح لي على مرّ السنين أن أشعر بشيء غير الدهشة، و أن كل المشاعر الأخرى هي مجرّد محاكاة لما يصفه الناس، أو لشيء عرطه علينا الكذاب الكبير كاظم الساهر، أو لشيء وصفه العرّاط الأكبر جابرييل جارسيا ماركيز...

لا أذكر أن شيئاً نبع فعلاً من أعماق ذاتي دون أن يخرج مشيّعاً بموكب علامات الاستفهام.

لحظة يقين واحدة .. لحظة يقين واحدة تكفيني لأموت هانئة.

لا أعرف لماذا وجدت السلوى في الأغنية .. ظللت أعيدها و أكررها و أفكر بدهشة الأطفال التي كانت تغرق كلّ خلاياي عندما يقترب المترو من الرصيف محمّلاً بكل احتماليات القدر ذاك!!

مدريد ...يا مدريد ... خذيني

شيء بداخلي قد مات ... شيءٌ بداخلي قد مات.. شيء لوى عنقه بالأمس بداخلي و سقط. سقط في اللحظة التي كنت أقف فيها أمام طلابي على وشك أن أبدأ حصتي.

شعرت بالرغبة في أن أقول العبارة التي عاهدت نفسي أن أقولها لطلبتي مطلقاً... شعرت بالرغبة في ان أقول: ''شباب، اليوم مش قادرة أعطي ،خلوها ليوم ثاني ''

المعلمة أمّ و الأمّ لا تعطّل و لا تستقيل و لا تتقاعد.

و هكذا أكملت كلامي...

كنت أفكّر بالدكتور أحمد نوفل عندما قال: ''التعليم يعدل مزاجي'' "أنا عندما أتعب أتعافى أمام طلابي" .... كانت حصة عادية .. فاتنة، كما هو التعليم دوماً... و لكنني شعرت بالأسف مبكراً قليلاً عما ينبغي..

أنا أرى وجوه طلبتي كما لو كانوا زهور كاميليا تطفو على مياه نهر ... متحفزّون ، تهزهم يد الشغف ، جميلون و أنقياء ... هكذا أراهم دائماً.

و لكن التعب يومها أخذ مني فرحي بهم، و شعرت أن مياه النهر تجري أسرع بكثير مني ، و أنني -كما كنت دائماً- سأبقى مع كتبي على جانب النهر لوحدي.

أهذا ما يشعر به مربّو الأجيال؟ أيشعرون بوحشة الكون هذه؟

معتصم كان تعيساً و مبعثراً ، و عماد كان يشعّ بنور الطبيب الإنسان الذي يزين حاجبيه دائماً ، و خالد في زاويته جالساً على طرف مقعده كما لو أنه لا يريد أن يزعج العالم ، شأنه في ذلك شأن كل الأطفال الذين تربوا بين حضارتين، و طارق ينقَّل ضحكته المشاكسة بين غمازتيه و تلك العقدة الطريفة بين حاجبيه.

و أنا؟ أين كنت انا؟

كنت منطفئة إلى أبعد نقطة في تكويني.

هل سيأتي يوم أستطيع فيه أن أروي القصة كاملة، دون أن أقتطع أي شيء من الحقيقة؟

يا رب أريد الحق ... كل الحق ... و لا شيء سوى الحق...

يا عالماً بحالي

عن يوم الثلاثاء

٢٠-٩-٢٠١١

تقوى

Back to Square one?

2011-09-20T23:47:00.004+01:00

Today I came back running from work to get to my English Novel Class. I love this class -although it was our first class today- but I adore this teacher Miss Inas Ababneh ,,, I tend to call her inside my head Miss Perfect :)))

I love how she analyses literature, how she goes through the text line by line giving it new life. She is not the traditional literature passionate emotional teacher , she is more of a ''geisha doll'' with very few facial expressions , still she is one of the most expressive people I have ever met. She gets to put a lot of meaning in so little words ,,, She IS perfect.

After class when I went out and looked at the university I felt the huge gap between me and everything,,, I AM the eldest of all!! And all of this people around me are just kids that most probably would never ever enter my circle ,,, I felt as if the university world is their's and am just an intruder ,, I felt as I dont belong , and I felt as lost as when I was a sanfoora 4 years ago!!

In some way , I feel so minority like , so vulnerable and I feel like am back in Square One!!

I am the interpreter: I rule :)

2011-09-20T22:14:00.003+01:00

For the last three days I have been working in Prince Hamza Hospital as an interpreter of a workshop presented by a Spanish nurse to a class of Jordanian nurses. The course was more of an Administrational course than a sanitary one , this is what made it easier to interpret.

I need not go through all the details of the three days but It was a big experience , not only on my linguistic level but also on my sense of ''I am able to do anything as long as I decide so''.

Words used to scare me as they came out of the lecturer's mouth , but as I searched gently inside my head I always managed to find the translation. I have worked hard throughout the last 4 years of my life , and this is my reward. I was able to interpret three days in a row without a pause , tuning my voice with the lecturer's voice tune , pausing as she pauses , and laughing as she laughs or cracks jokes.

I know I still have a lot a head of me to learn. This experience made me aware of many fields that I need to study their vocabulary , but for now I feel satisfied and eager to learn more ,,, to go ahead and follow my own ''personal miracle''.

A Real Beautiful Woman

2011-09-19T00:06:00.001+01:00

Today one of my students sent me this song. I loved it a lottttttttt!! I felt like I have known it even before learning Spanish ,,,but most of all I loved the girl in the clip. Seeing a mother who is also a fighter is so primitive and savagely beautiful.

Una Cuenta Retrasada de todo El Llanto que he perdido

2011-09-17T17:39:00.004+01:00

Hoy me fui al Balad con los estadounidenses del CIEE. Hicimos cometas de papel y las hicimos volar en el Qala. (Citadel)

Me sentí mas feliz de cuando era niña ...

Estaba feliz del todo y con ganas verdaderas de volar y llorar.

Llorar eternamente por todas las cosas que no había llorado antes

Llorar por todas las canciones tristes que había oído , por el llanto de todas las canciones flamencas del Albayzín

Por todas las novias de boda al salir de las casas de sus padres

Por todos los momentos de partir ...

Por Todas las caras ausentes

Por todos los amigos que se han ido

y por todos los amigos que se irán

y por aquellos amigos que aún no he conocido

Pero más que todo me encuentro con ganas eternas de llorar por lo enamorada que estoy

Me encuentro con el corazón hecho de papel

Dispuesto a rasgarse por un solo suspiro

Dispuesto a quemarse por una sola llama de nostalgia

Mi corazón de papel vuela ..

Vuela tanto como mi cometa...

recorre el cielo de mi ciudad y se va engrandeciendo

Lo cobre todo y luego tu ausencia lo desmorona como se fuera hecho de espuma

******

*****

****

***

Una niña soy. Una niña que esta de pie ante su ciudad, con una cometa colorada en la mano , un sueño en la mente , un suspiro en el pecho , un amor pseudo- imposible en el corazón y un solo nombre entre los labios.

Bajo este cielo todo es posible. ¿crees?

Takwa

17 de Septiembre de 2011

I am Tired

2011-09-16T20:38:00.003+01:00

I wanna be that little girl again ,,,, I wanna feel -again- that this world belongs to me ...

More: I wanna feel that am not the eternal alien.

About Sex in Jordan

2011-09-16T02:00:00.002+01:00

So today a friend of mine posted this cartoon on Facebook. O paused for a moment to think, I thought that this was so brave to do. We dont talk ''Sex'' in Jordan! We just dont ,,, and I also thought: It was so brave of the artist to portray such a sad aspect of our life.

God how accurate is that! Men are not willing to smile unless their brains are in between their thighs , and that so temporal. They are grumpy otherwise!!

It is not that am repeating the dull stupid cliché of ''Men are pigs and all what they think about is sex''. No, Simply because that is not accurate. But I just feel a wicked type of satisfaction when I see men unsatisfied with their sexual lives. They raise girls to think that sex is a manly topic , and if they think about it then they are not as pure as they should. At the end of the day when men are bored in their bedrooms , and when they are lonely in their own intercourses I would just like to look at them in the eye and say: Those are the girls you raised , and thats all what you gonna get Nyahahahahahahahaha!!!

I have a lot to say on this topic, A LOTTTTT , things I came to realize after going to Spain and coming back here , things that I have noticed while observing the difference between the ''sex culture'' in each country and I will come back with more posts on the topic, but for now lets just enjoy one big laugh ,,,, laugh over the sad circle of pathetic sexual culture.

Facebook Status

2011-09-16T01:57:00.002+01:00

Does it say in your Human Resources file if you

are the type of person who puts back the cover

on the toothpaste tube after using it?

... If it does not mention that then maybe

no one ''actually'' knows you.

I have not been Mad In a Long Time

2011-09-15T10:17:00.003+01:00

I dont get mad. Maybe I use the words ''Mad'' , ''Pissed off'' or ''annoyed'' here in the blog but actually I am a person who does not get mad.

Why? Because I dont take life seriously. This is the only thing that would make me ''really'' mad , to find that I take life as if it was a battle that I bother about winning.

But recently I noticed myself being mad , and it came so strong last night in class.

It has happened in my class since for ever that one of my students say something in a very very low voice and then his friend bursts into laughing that his face goes purple!!!

It did not bother me a lot ,I was curious of course , but not mad. Yesterday , boy number 1 said something and the other one crackeddddddddd and I felt the huge urge to kick both of their sorry culos a la calle!!!

God!! How unpleasant it is to be mad!!! It makes you vulnerable!!!

Its that its the same boy each time!! The same boy who pisses me off , he pisses me off he pisses me off ,,, sometimes I feel like stuffing my fingers inside his eyes!!!

(This is so creepy!! Although I heard many educators through out the years whining about ''a boy'' in class that drives them crazy , but I never thought that this would happen to me!! I teach a class of 26 years old!! I am not a kindergarten teacher!!)

But yet the same boy -out of nowhere- says: Why did I waste all that time not studying Spanish? ,,, and I go -inside my head- : Thats so sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!

God I hate him I hate him he puts me on the edge each time , an then he says something nice ,,, so I hate him ,,,

Ps: But , I ADORE being a Teacher.

Major Fight with The Only Mom I Have

2011-09-15T10:00:00.002+01:00

Yesterday I had a fight with Mom. Why am I blogging about that? Because it was yesterday!!! Two days ,,, I have not had a fight with her that lasts two days since FOR EVER!!

I remember the days when I was a teenager,,, We used to fight all the time,, I used to openly hate her , everyone knew it. I always had the image inside my head that she is the thing , the only things that forbids me from having a normal life just like everyone else.

Later on I got her. I stopped opposing her , I knew that she is so wise and she foresees things , and I understood that she has a hard style. Thats it ,,, I knew that she loves me , and I was able to love her ,,, even trust her with things , and be proud of her ,,, Entirely!

But there was a thing that we never managed to work out. Its her sense of superiority...I think it runs in the family , Grandpa has it , all my uncles have it. My students - Spanish students- were students of my uncle and they hated him for the same reason.

Her sense of superiority comes from her astonishing talent of doing things PERFECT. So when she looks around to the world and sees how imperfect it is it just disgusts her. This disgusting world includes me , my brother and simply everything.

I always had the nerves to put up with her. You know , she would criticize EVERYTHING I do ,,, she would make me unsatisfied about anything I do and I would just smile to her , or let it pass gently.

What happened yesterday was so simple , but it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

She asked me to peel eggplants and fry them. I did not do it right(yeah, I am that retarded) , and she got into her monologue: ''you are not any good for anything ,,, you don't know the first thing about cooking... you dont do anything with enough care,,,, if you only care to look or listen while I show you , you would have got something ,,,, you are a disgrace ,,, I don't know why I never managed to get anything into your thick skulls you and your brother'' ...

This happens everyday , everyday for the last 22 years , but yesterday I did not find it in my heart to consent. I was just fed up. I am not a child any more, I don't want to be yelled out for eggplants issues!!

I am acting out in the stupidest of all ways: I isolated myself. I don't talk to her , I don't offer any kind of help , I dont make eye contact of any level and I am just sitting inside my head.

I am not perfect , do I have to apologize for that? Why , why why she cant see not in the most far hypothetical situation that she might be wrong? why?

She is my Mom , its rude to tell her whats right and wrong , but What happens when I run out of my human power of enduring her crushing me.

What happens now? My poor Dad trys to talk us into talking to each other, but he is just making it worse ...

I dont know what to say more ,,, I hate being in this position , its sinful , God is mad of course , and I love her and I understand her health condition ,,,, she must not be annoyed for her diabetes and her high blood pressure , but Walla it is not me who misses those up!!!

Ya Rabb

New Facebook Profile Picture

2011-09-14T01:12:00.004+01:00

Por un momento de mi vida -aunque sea corto- he estado

segura de que estoy feliz del todo ,,

, Felicidad pura , completa , profunda y verdadera ,,,

Todo gracias a una ciudad singular que se llama Granada

My Baby ....

2011-09-13T01:16:00.001+01:00

Today I bought the Grand Arabic Spanish Dictionary for my Translation work.

This is the big book that I will be holding in my arms for the coming 13 months at least.

I will be hopping from a bus to another holding it , and I think its gonna be the only thing I can read during the ride.

I feel as if am committing to something ,,, It scares me , but as I love Spanish infinitely I go ahead with my heart full with courage.

El Español es mi vida =)

Facebook Status

2011-09-12T10:27:00.002+01:00

I Love Rajab Ardogan , not because Turkey kicked out the Zionist ambassador and not because

of its infinite support to Gaza. Those things are examples of the actual human conscious. I love

him ,because he sits example for a Real Muslim Leader, the leader who does not steal , does

not lie for votes and gets in the game of politics with the least coincidences possible.